I learned (not just in 2023 but in the last few years) to choose the path of most love, connection and growth. I learned to focus on the places where love is returned, where care is taken, where joy is the bottom line (thank you Beth McColl for that one). I learned that there will always be people who want to pull me into their particular brand of chaos, and to pull them, instead, into my peace. I learnt that not everyone deserves power over my emotions, and that I don't owe everyone who wants to talk to me as much time as they want. I learnt that I don't have to do things to 100% or even 80% of my ability, but that if I'm going to do less, I need to think more; to forgive more. I learnt to devour nice things. I learnt to put down the burdens that are too heavy to lift in order to enjoy this imperfect day. And at least half of all of that I learnt from your newsletter. Thank you Polly, as ever, and a very Happy New Year to you. In 2024, more exuberance, more joy!
"I learned that there will always be people who want to pull me into their particular brand of chaos, and to pull them, instead, into my peace. I learnt that not everyone deserves power over my emotions..."
I learned that some people don't *want* to be pulled into my peace; some want to struggle against what could be a peaceful flow, thrashing in the choppy water they've thrown themselves into. Those people will not see the value in peace, they will resent being "dragged" from their chaotic comfort zone where all the kicking and wailing and treading water feels like life itself. Not allowing those people power over our emotions can feel like abandoning someone who is drowning. Learning to feel free to swim away when someone fights against peace, ease, and connection, even if you need to swim alone to reach the really deep water, can be lifesaving.
Thank you April. I agree, it’s not so much pulling people into my peace as trying to radiate peace and giving people the option to join, or to carry on flailing around in their own special brand of chaos! Resisting the attraction of the chaos is the personal growth in comparison to my former self. Grateful to you for the extra wisdom.
Yes! Thank you for the beautifully succinct "Resisting the attraction to the chaos." Those 5 words just might become my biggest goal/personal mantra this year! <3
My psychoanalyst retired in July and I finished eleven years of intense therapy with him. I began working with him nine months after the sudden death of my brother. Our work saw me through that and the declining health and passing of my father at 94 and my mother at 97, eleven months later. It also helped me through menopause (I'm 56) and most importantly it got at the trauma and after-effects of the neglect and sexual /emotional abuse I'd experienced in my childhood in a way that nothing else I'd tried (and I'd tried a lot by that point) had managed to.
In the nine months of knowing that the end was coming I revisited every stage of our work and tried every trick I had in an attempt to dodge the pain of losing the only person I felt had ever truly seen and loved me, unconditionally. Didn't work; it was fucking painful. The surprise came after our last session when I found that I was left feeling elated rather than despondent. I'd never really experienced a conscious, formal ending to anything, nor had I been with any of my family members when they passed. I didn't understand the power of working through things to the point that they could actually be laid to rest and then...laying them to rest. I'm not saying that I'm some sort of fully evolved person who has no more work to do. That's an imaginary state, as far as I can tell. I'm saying that the past is no longer my constant companion. I'm saying I no longer have a bunch of unprocessed trauma rattling around in my brain at all times. I'm saying I finally get to have a life. Obviously this didn't all happen this year but I have long thought change happens slowly, impercebtibly and then all at once. And this year, this ending, has a sort of all at once quality to it. I love myself in a way I didn't know was possible. I am very proud of myself and so, so grateful. Nobody was ever luckier.
WOW! Congratulations, that is truly an amazing thing, to have that kind of closure. I love that it was so unexpected, after all of the pain of that loss! So happy for you!!!
This is an incredible share and I am so glad to know someone has done this great work and come out on the other side for the better. Congratulations and GO YOU!!! <3
Such a perfect and beautiful idea, Heather. I loved this post.
Something that came to mind for me, that I'm proud of, was that I was much better at being honest with people close to me when I felt hurt by them. Acting on it sooner and not dismissing it because I was being too sensitive again. It's brought me even closer to the people around me and I feel less shame around voicing how I'm feeling. It's a work in progress and I still bloody love a good rumination, but my giant inner baby doesn't, so I'm going to keep paying attention to that in 2024.
This is so great. I also plunged into a bunch of awkward conversations this year and voiced things that were kind of small and dumb and weird before they got bigger. It actually felt good to say "THIS IS SO SMALL, I AM NOT MAD, I JUST WANT TO SAY ONE LITTLE THING SO I DON'T SIT ON THIS, BECAUSE I TRUST YOU AND LOVE YOU." I used to think you shouldn't discuss anything conflict-adjacent unless there was a crisis, because you'd just make other people paranoid or defensive. But with people you trust a lot, you end up averting so many crises just by opening your mouth and daring to be vulnerable. Anyway: thank you for posting this, and congratulations!
Yes 100%. That's such a great way of putting it. Getting in early even though it feels small and dumb and weird, as you said. That's certainly been the barrier for me up until recent times.
Great to hear it's been a successful year for you too in that way. Congrats!
"Heartbreak can be something you feel good about." Dang, very true for me this year. The heartbreak felt well-earned, because I put my whole self into the love that led to it and miraculously didn't feel shame when it didn't work.
I got a lot better at living in reality instead of fantasy this year, in a way that felt even more fun & creative than I expected it to, because I brought more of my fantasies to life! I started a band (!!), grew community, stated my values & desires more clearly, & followed my heart. <3
i learned that you have to have the hard conversation - even when you feel like things arent going to change or improve - have the hard talk - I tormented myself with racing thoughts about how I was stuck and things couldnt improve between me and my mom - and then I got help...i started seeing a therapist and got brave and had a hard talk with my mom in July and many more terrible hard conversations. We had a terrible year...until December and we turned a corner and are doing better....and I have no more racing thoughts - and a clear head to embrace by big baby self!
reading your newsletter in 2023 was so good for my soul..thank you!
This is so true. Having the hard conversation is one of the biggest lessons I learned last year but despite knowing better, I still find it TORTUROUS and hard, especially when something is so far gone. But we can do hard things (I keep reminding myself of this fact!).
Ok not to brag but I often use a baby voice to express myself to my son who is 23 (well 24 this year). It started a while back in a fit of "this grown up shit is too hard, let's switch places, I am little!" He did not switch places with me but he graciously allowed me a (therapeutic, cathartic) baby persona. This year, here is what the baby (me) did well: publish a first book; start a newsletter; remain self-employment despite the terror of it; not drink alcohol; grieve my best friend unexpectedly; grieve my grandfather, expectedly but not less hard; launch my son out of the nest and downsize to tiny studio; be truthful with my mom about childhood trauma; be okay with all of this including lots of crying.
Thanks so much for the prompt, Heather, I knew a few pennies had dropped this year but it was a real eye opener to write them all down and realise how much I am learning. A big one for me has been to understand just how much of my personality is based around problem solving, and how allowing this part of me to stand down can give me peace and comfort, even in the worst of situations.
I learned that until I know how to truly *receive* and accept love and support, no achievement or relationship will feel fulfilling. I learned I have a long way to go, but the path isn't / doesn't have to be all shit, tears and pain.
Right?? So twisted! I have a feeling this is the what I'll be working on this year (and beyond). I hope you too are able to receive the love you crave (and deserve!) 💓
I had some great successes last year when I kicked goal setting to the curb to focus on improving small habits instead. Instead of setting lofty and unrealistic aspirations for my writing (which, at the point, was contained to my journal), I committed to writing for 30 minutes every single day. That single act produced more results, including my Substack, than any writing goal I'd ever set did. I'm taking this approach into 2024, not only for my writing, but also for my health (after a pretty wild year of injuries and illness). Looking forward to reading your next piece!
I don't like the New Year, because I don't feel the need to throw away the Old Year either.
The timeline is continuous, it doesn't jerk forward just because human beings have decided to institute a thing called a calendar. So for me it's about continuity and transition. That's why this will continue to be a stage in the timeline, in which I hope to listen very carefully to all my innermost needs, because most of the time, intuition is right
I love how you came up with this opinion. I just listened to this podcast where a psychologist was speaking and she said basically the same thing: forcing yourself to change is already doomed to be a failure.
Why? Simply because we resist change. And the worst part is that we keep diminishing ourselves, like saying that we are not enough as we are.
successfully launching a buncha artsy creations to spread joy in multiple random ways, nature walks with B, trip with M, opening my eyes to see beauty when possible, a lotta grieving of my m-i-l but i guess it's good that i did that so it is a positive ???, start the deal-with-the-mind by dealing-wtih-the-body process aka somatics or whatevs but it works better than the alternatives (I think this is related to your 'impossible baby' analogy!!), returning and returning to grace even though many things in the world feel painful.
wow it feels WEIRD to take a positive view, these are questions I normally do not ask myself because I'm so busy ... uh... doing the opposite of that, so here they are again:
"What did you do well? What did you get right? What did you learn? How did you grow? What do you feel proud of doing? What mistakes were made in pursuit of something honorable and real? What calamities occurred out of pure intentions?" Whew. It is all always in pursuit of something honorable and real, so that *is* gratifying to realize.
The movie is gorgeous and surprisingly tender in that Lanthimos way where the weird makes the tender more tender. And Emma Stone is telegraphing that performance specifically to the heart of every woman that ever lived and it's awesome to receive it.
I learned (not just in 2023 but in the last few years) to choose the path of most love, connection and growth. I learned to focus on the places where love is returned, where care is taken, where joy is the bottom line (thank you Beth McColl for that one). I learned that there will always be people who want to pull me into their particular brand of chaos, and to pull them, instead, into my peace. I learnt that not everyone deserves power over my emotions, and that I don't owe everyone who wants to talk to me as much time as they want. I learnt that I don't have to do things to 100% or even 80% of my ability, but that if I'm going to do less, I need to think more; to forgive more. I learnt to devour nice things. I learnt to put down the burdens that are too heavy to lift in order to enjoy this imperfect day. And at least half of all of that I learnt from your newsletter. Thank you Polly, as ever, and a very Happy New Year to you. In 2024, more exuberance, more joy!
Rachel, this is all so fantastic.
My biggest lesson this year expands off this bit:
"I learned that there will always be people who want to pull me into their particular brand of chaos, and to pull them, instead, into my peace. I learnt that not everyone deserves power over my emotions..."
I learned that some people don't *want* to be pulled into my peace; some want to struggle against what could be a peaceful flow, thrashing in the choppy water they've thrown themselves into. Those people will not see the value in peace, they will resent being "dragged" from their chaotic comfort zone where all the kicking and wailing and treading water feels like life itself. Not allowing those people power over our emotions can feel like abandoning someone who is drowning. Learning to feel free to swim away when someone fights against peace, ease, and connection, even if you need to swim alone to reach the really deep water, can be lifesaving.
Thank you April. I agree, it’s not so much pulling people into my peace as trying to radiate peace and giving people the option to join, or to carry on flailing around in their own special brand of chaos! Resisting the attraction of the chaos is the personal growth in comparison to my former self. Grateful to you for the extra wisdom.
Yes! Thank you for the beautifully succinct "Resisting the attraction to the chaos." Those 5 words just might become my biggest goal/personal mantra this year! <3
My psychoanalyst retired in July and I finished eleven years of intense therapy with him. I began working with him nine months after the sudden death of my brother. Our work saw me through that and the declining health and passing of my father at 94 and my mother at 97, eleven months later. It also helped me through menopause (I'm 56) and most importantly it got at the trauma and after-effects of the neglect and sexual /emotional abuse I'd experienced in my childhood in a way that nothing else I'd tried (and I'd tried a lot by that point) had managed to.
In the nine months of knowing that the end was coming I revisited every stage of our work and tried every trick I had in an attempt to dodge the pain of losing the only person I felt had ever truly seen and loved me, unconditionally. Didn't work; it was fucking painful. The surprise came after our last session when I found that I was left feeling elated rather than despondent. I'd never really experienced a conscious, formal ending to anything, nor had I been with any of my family members when they passed. I didn't understand the power of working through things to the point that they could actually be laid to rest and then...laying them to rest. I'm not saying that I'm some sort of fully evolved person who has no more work to do. That's an imaginary state, as far as I can tell. I'm saying that the past is no longer my constant companion. I'm saying I no longer have a bunch of unprocessed trauma rattling around in my brain at all times. I'm saying I finally get to have a life. Obviously this didn't all happen this year but I have long thought change happens slowly, impercebtibly and then all at once. And this year, this ending, has a sort of all at once quality to it. I love myself in a way I didn't know was possible. I am very proud of myself and so, so grateful. Nobody was ever luckier.
WOW! Congratulations, that is truly an amazing thing, to have that kind of closure. I love that it was so unexpected, after all of the pain of that loss! So happy for you!!!
Thank you Heather!! And thank you, always, for your work. I love it a lot.
This is an incredible share and I am so glad to know someone has done this great work and come out on the other side for the better. Congratulations and GO YOU!!! <3
Thank you Karina!!
Such a perfect and beautiful idea, Heather. I loved this post.
Something that came to mind for me, that I'm proud of, was that I was much better at being honest with people close to me when I felt hurt by them. Acting on it sooner and not dismissing it because I was being too sensitive again. It's brought me even closer to the people around me and I feel less shame around voicing how I'm feeling. It's a work in progress and I still bloody love a good rumination, but my giant inner baby doesn't, so I'm going to keep paying attention to that in 2024.
This is so great. I also plunged into a bunch of awkward conversations this year and voiced things that were kind of small and dumb and weird before they got bigger. It actually felt good to say "THIS IS SO SMALL, I AM NOT MAD, I JUST WANT TO SAY ONE LITTLE THING SO I DON'T SIT ON THIS, BECAUSE I TRUST YOU AND LOVE YOU." I used to think you shouldn't discuss anything conflict-adjacent unless there was a crisis, because you'd just make other people paranoid or defensive. But with people you trust a lot, you end up averting so many crises just by opening your mouth and daring to be vulnerable. Anyway: thank you for posting this, and congratulations!
Yes 100%. That's such a great way of putting it. Getting in early even though it feels small and dumb and weird, as you said. That's certainly been the barrier for me up until recent times.
Great to hear it's been a successful year for you too in that way. Congrats!
This is brave, and still one of the hardest things for me to do.
Thanks, Anna.
It feels cheap to list out what I should be celebrating
It feels good to admit that it feels cheap to admit that
Making it through the year feels good
Admitting that I still need help with things feels good
"Heartbreak can be something you feel good about." Dang, very true for me this year. The heartbreak felt well-earned, because I put my whole self into the love that led to it and miraculously didn't feel shame when it didn't work.
I got a lot better at living in reality instead of fantasy this year, in a way that felt even more fun & creative than I expected it to, because I brought more of my fantasies to life! I started a band (!!), grew community, stated my values & desires more clearly, & followed my heart. <3
i learned that you have to have the hard conversation - even when you feel like things arent going to change or improve - have the hard talk - I tormented myself with racing thoughts about how I was stuck and things couldnt improve between me and my mom - and then I got help...i started seeing a therapist and got brave and had a hard talk with my mom in July and many more terrible hard conversations. We had a terrible year...until December and we turned a corner and are doing better....and I have no more racing thoughts - and a clear head to embrace by big baby self!
reading your newsletter in 2023 was so good for my soul..thank you!
This is so true. Having the hard conversation is one of the biggest lessons I learned last year but despite knowing better, I still find it TORTUROUS and hard, especially when something is so far gone. But we can do hard things (I keep reminding myself of this fact!).
Ok not to brag but I often use a baby voice to express myself to my son who is 23 (well 24 this year). It started a while back in a fit of "this grown up shit is too hard, let's switch places, I am little!" He did not switch places with me but he graciously allowed me a (therapeutic, cathartic) baby persona. This year, here is what the baby (me) did well: publish a first book; start a newsletter; remain self-employment despite the terror of it; not drink alcohol; grieve my best friend unexpectedly; grieve my grandfather, expectedly but not less hard; launch my son out of the nest and downsize to tiny studio; be truthful with my mom about childhood trauma; be okay with all of this including lots of crying.
ARrrrrgh so many things, Janine! I feel proud of you just reading this list. What a year!!!!
Thanks so much for the prompt, Heather, I knew a few pennies had dropped this year but it was a real eye opener to write them all down and realise how much I am learning. A big one for me has been to understand just how much of my personality is based around problem solving, and how allowing this part of me to stand down can give me peace and comfort, even in the worst of situations.
I had colic when I was a baby. Does that mean I need to spend two hours a day simultaneously crying and walking? I think the answer might be yes.
I learned that until I know how to truly *receive* and accept love and support, no achievement or relationship will feel fulfilling. I learned I have a long way to go, but the path isn't / doesn't have to be all shit, tears and pain.
YES! It should be easy, since we obviously crave it, but it can be so hard!
Right?? So twisted! I have a feeling this is the what I'll be working on this year (and beyond). I hope you too are able to receive the love you crave (and deserve!) 💓
For all of us!💗💖
I had some great successes last year when I kicked goal setting to the curb to focus on improving small habits instead. Instead of setting lofty and unrealistic aspirations for my writing (which, at the point, was contained to my journal), I committed to writing for 30 minutes every single day. That single act produced more results, including my Substack, than any writing goal I'd ever set did. I'm taking this approach into 2024, not only for my writing, but also for my health (after a pretty wild year of injuries and illness). Looking forward to reading your next piece!
I don't like the New Year, because I don't feel the need to throw away the Old Year either.
The timeline is continuous, it doesn't jerk forward just because human beings have decided to institute a thing called a calendar. So for me it's about continuity and transition. That's why this will continue to be a stage in the timeline, in which I hope to listen very carefully to all my innermost needs, because most of the time, intuition is right
I love how you came up with this opinion. I just listened to this podcast where a psychologist was speaking and she said basically the same thing: forcing yourself to change is already doomed to be a failure.
Why? Simply because we resist change. And the worst part is that we keep diminishing ourselves, like saying that we are not enough as we are.
Great thought, wonderful wording!
successfully launching a buncha artsy creations to spread joy in multiple random ways, nature walks with B, trip with M, opening my eyes to see beauty when possible, a lotta grieving of my m-i-l but i guess it's good that i did that so it is a positive ???, start the deal-with-the-mind by dealing-wtih-the-body process aka somatics or whatevs but it works better than the alternatives (I think this is related to your 'impossible baby' analogy!!), returning and returning to grace even though many things in the world feel painful.
wow it feels WEIRD to take a positive view, these are questions I normally do not ask myself because I'm so busy ... uh... doing the opposite of that, so here they are again:
"What did you do well? What did you get right? What did you learn? How did you grow? What do you feel proud of doing? What mistakes were made in pursuit of something honorable and real? What calamities occurred out of pure intentions?" Whew. It is all always in pursuit of something honorable and real, so that *is* gratifying to realize.
Beautiful! Thank you for writing this down.
Heather, have you watched Poor Things yet?? It’s such a good visual, film manifestation of this!! You would LOVE it.
Thank you as always for all the wisdom, and hoping your baby has a good, cuddly, 2024!!
Thank you!! I've been anxious to see the movie! The book is amazing.
The movie is gorgeous and surprisingly tender in that Lanthimos way where the weird makes the tender more tender. And Emma Stone is telegraphing that performance specifically to the heart of every woman that ever lived and it's awesome to receive it.
Thanks for sharing the reminder to create joy.