Urgh. GOD. I could have written this letter myself. The only slight difference between the writer and I is that I, for reasons unknown to me, developed a sense of pride quite early in life that I had been through all that I went through with my mum and made it out the other side. Of course, I've had my negative thoughts and feelings of shame just like everyone else, but I've always had a feeling that there was something about people like us that was kind of... I dunno, cool? Like oh your mum baked cakes? Well my mum got arrested, so I think my weekend might have been just a liiiittle more interesting, Sarah.
It didn't occur to me when I first started dating in my early 20s that this would make me less attractive to some people. And it didn't! I think because I thought I was pretty cool most other people around me did as well. But the wheels started to come off when my first serious boyfriend witnessed one of my mum's abusive rages firsthand while we were on (a very ill-advised) holiday together. Previously we'd had cute little agreements like if we ever got married he'd take my (cool, exotic) last name that had been handed down from my mum. Suddenly he wanted us to have his (boring, sounds-like-a-first-name) last name. It went downhill from there, culminating in him saying maybe it would be best when we had children if we didn't use my eggs at all. Just my womb! Wouldn't want to risk my mum's crazy genes getting in there!
The irony was his family were all mad as a bag of cats. The only difference I could see was that they were all swallowing each others' bullshit and living in deep denial of how unhappy they all were. It feels unfair but I think sometimes the fact that we're willing to tell the truth about our family's dysfunction makes us a target for other people's projection and feelings of inadequacy that surround their own upbringings.
And FYI I know I said he witnessed the episode of abuse firsthand, but during the ordeal, when she really reached her crescendo, she told him to leave so she could be alone with me. You know what he did? He turned tail and SCAMPERED OFF. To think that I was the one with the weak genes is, quite frankly, laughable.
Now in my early 30s as everyone is looking to settle down I'm encountering these attitudes more and more, also from people with their own messed up families! It's as if some of them, instead of dealing with their shit, aspire to marry themselves into a perfect family. As if that's going to save them from themselves (Personally I think your guy's tennis fantasy was a dead giveaway for this. Mine wanted to be able to go jetskiing... lol). I don't feel I can do much about this except to look forward to the day I finally meet my match, who thinks I'm really great. But rest assured that greatness is going to INCLUDE the fact that I've had to deal with a lot of crap in my upbringing.
I am dead certain I am going to meet this person, and you are going to meet your person. Because I can tell you now, there is absolutely no fucking way I went through everything that I did so I could come out the other side and end up with some snivelly little twerp who can't handle the fact that I was dealt some tough cards and still managed to grow into a wonderful person. If that's what the universe has planned for either of us, it can shove it up its ass. It is ludicrous, LUDICROUS to me, that anyone could look at a strong young woman who's dealing with her shit and think that that is anything less than very cool and intriguing, or that she has to make herself smaller and less complicated to be acceptable. I know there are plenty of these people out there and someone has to end up with them, but sorry! I refuse to be that bored.
Amazing and so true. The truth about the wounds a mother can leave is that all of the movies, tv shows and holiday campaigns, let you know that you can never be whole without the love of a 'good' mother. The truth is that we were always whole and their are a lot of people who just pretend they were the apple of their mother's eye. That said, unraveling all that has been knit around you when you were not nurtured as a small person, is the best /hardest work of a lifetime, and will let you love and see people in a way that may be deeper than those who have never know this particularly tight knit sweater dress
Thank you for this excellent column, Polly. NBD, please investigate Al-Anon ASAP. The meetings are filled with daughters like you. The old-timers will teach you the hows and wise of baking and living graciously in the present. Your life will grow deeper and wider. Other's narrow opinions of your life will shrink, and you will be less inclined to seek them out. Your view of yourself will lovingly expand. Self-compassion and kindness change everything. My best wishes to you.
Jun 1, 2023·edited Jun 1, 2023Liked by Heather Havrilesky
I used to feel the way you do, I also grew up with a single mother who was extremely invalidating, threatening, emotionally unavailable, and that has left scars as numerous as stars in the sky. She absolutely did not bake either, the thought of it makes me laugh because it's so ridiculous to imagine. But then I finally found the person who was strong enough and caring enough to be with all dimensions of me and my life, not just the cherry-picked parts. He's better than all the guys who couldn't. By far! Kinder, smarter, more resilient, stronger, more stable, more mature, the list goes on and on. Just be patient, know that there's a better future ahead.
You're better than the guys who have no understanding of the importance of overcoming obstacles in life, and you're better than your mother who didn't take responsibility in raising you. Lift yourself up, you're worth it! Someone more worthy will make space for you, and they'll also be mature enough to make space for all of life's struggles. Don't settle for these weak guys who didn't value you.
Jun 1, 2023·edited Jun 1, 2023Liked by Heather Havrilesky
When my ex started seeing someone, I worked so hard to be so welcoming and the ex [who is, by absolute logistical necessity, still v much in my life] even noticed and was like “it’s a bit much…” and now I see WHY I WAS DOING IT. Hard to read but also very helpful to read, thank you.
Also this — a running theme — is a constant welcome reminder:
“ You have to let reality in, so you can feel more joy… You have to surrender to what is, and relish it, and enjoy it, and create from it, and grieve it, too. ”
Don’t usually comment on Polly posts but this one spoke to me. I’m not sure if I can stand to introduce another partner to my family again, and I know that’s because (some of) the people I’ve dated just haven’t had the capacity to not make a horrible family all about their experience of it (this was due to their own horrible families) but it is hard enough to figure out those relationships myself than to add them to the cess crock pot of love. It’s a heartbreaking level feeling of rejection, but the inverse experience of someone knowing you in this way and loving you and supporting you would be worth it (I imagine).
I am and I know of a lot of women with similar experiences and I know many of them who have found someone after many dinky duds who they were “too much” for.
The specifics of LW's life aren't ones I can relate to (my own mother baked, but was deeply flawed in her own ways and I don't feel like my childhood was either shining perfection or tragic). But reading Polly's response really dredged up memories of how it felt to go out into the dating world as a young divorcee. I got divorced in my twenties, and when I pulled myself together enough to go out and attempt to flirt and socialize, it was shocking to realize that in spite of still having youth on my side, most of the (immature, naïve) boys around me had zero interest in "damaged goods" like me. I felt like the butt of their joke...like it was hilarious to them that I would even be out on a Friday night embarrassing myself trying to compete with the fresh and uncomplicated 22 year old college grads that arrived in that place every summer (strong college to industry pipeline there). Even though I know now that those boys were not worth my time, I still remember how much it hurt.
I wish I had known then that those boys were DEEPLY boring (not to mention cocky, self-important assholes) and I had all the agency in the world to disregard their bullshit. The things I went through make me MORE interesting, more capable of real connection and intimacy. (To be fair, it's also their right to not be interested in those things and to just want dumb superficial connections.) But Polly absolutely nails it that you have to stop trying to hide your scars and be something you're not. There are people out there who can love and appreciate your whole self, and complicated, opinionated people like us need that kind of connection to thrive. Stepford bullshit will not suffice.
Also, this letter and comments are calling to mind Clarissa Pinkola Estes' writing (Women Who Run with the Wolves). So much goodness in that book about learning to be real, to find a lover who can appreciate darkness as well as light.
Yes Polly!! Looking for tenderness and softness in LW’s life makes so much sense... and the baking wife seems like a good archetype... but I feel the key to cultivating your own true gentle state comes with accepting what YOUR life is, who YOU are, and letting someone see and accept that, as you see and accept them. 💗
"Phew, you’ve unlocked WARLOCK POLLY, are you happy now?
The cure is simple. Start reading Updike and Nabokov. Read Vladimir by Julia May Jonas and Big Swiss by Jen Beagin. A MOM WHO BAKES! IN-LAWS TO PLAY TENNIS WITH! Holy god, what strange things to put your faith in! But I love your letter so much. I love your thoughts and the way you express them. Listen to me, smart woman: Life is not a bakery or a tennis court."
The myth of 'cooking baking mothers' is much beloved by those who choose not to see what is real. No one has a "perfect' childhood - you can a 'real' and really good childhood, and some have better than others but to think there is a problem free existence immature.
I agree with all of this-honesty with yourself with what is and what was will set you free. When meeting new people and we get to childhood talk I just like to say “I had a tumultuous childhood” and leave it at that until the relationship evolves a bit more. It’s also confusing bc now my mom is less abusive/or more to the point I’m an adult. but she’s still incredibly childish. It’s helped to bond with my siblings over this, though one is a holdout who wants to deny reality, but that’s ok too I guess, it’s her journey. Surrendering to the reality that we are never going to convince her otherwise has been freeing too. Plus it’s petty but nicknames for narratives are your friend (for the parent not the tennis shorts girlfriend or guy).
My own mother had an upbringing very much like NBD's. All of her relationships have been very deeply complicated by the VAST dysfunction within her family of origin.
I love Heather's advice and I hope that the LW takes it to heart. I also just want to add one thing: Boundaries are going to be NBD's best friend - now, and especially as she gets older. It could be that all of NBD's exes have run at the first sign of trouble, but I think it could also be that NBD hasn't yet created a space for herself that is separate from and insulated from her mother. If she's able to be sympathetic and caring toward her family without assuming responsibility for all of the problems that arise from dysfunction and alcoholism, her partners are more likely to not see those issues as threatening to the lives that they want to build.
As an adult now, I can better understand the stress that my mother's family put on her marriage. Part of that was that my dad wasn't the best at supporting her, and part of it was that she let her family's problems become our problems to a certain extent. They were both young and were both doing the best they could with the ways that they were raised. It's dysfunctional to be raised in a family where everyone is an alcoholic who has trouble controlling their emotions, but it's also dysfunctional to be raised in a family where image matters a lot and feelings never get discussed.
It may feel strange for her to think about, but it's entirely possible that NBD will, herself, end up as a mother who bakes one day. Baking is fun, and not all that tough. It sounds like she's doing everything she needs to do to put herself and her future loved ones on a better path. The difference between deep dysfunction and a happy life isn't so vast - it can be bridged in one generation. My mother grew up around poverty and abuse, but she baked with me. When her family would call, drunk and in a rage, she would just hang up and come back to the kitchen and help child-me measure and stir and set the oven timer.
At first I couldn't fully relate to the LW, although felt deeply for them, but after reading Heather's response, the connection to my own life was made instantly. Another great example of how Heather can take one individual's short description of a point in time, written specifically for that person/place/thing, and leave us all at the end feel as though we were the original LW.
Separately, 'Our whole country has a hard on for pedigree at the moment, and honestly, it’s just so stupid and shallow and bad.' Yes! I've noticed this too. Everyone is looking for 'thoroughbreds' like they're sold in a catalog. Not just in romance, but socially. Yuck.
Urgh. GOD. I could have written this letter myself. The only slight difference between the writer and I is that I, for reasons unknown to me, developed a sense of pride quite early in life that I had been through all that I went through with my mum and made it out the other side. Of course, I've had my negative thoughts and feelings of shame just like everyone else, but I've always had a feeling that there was something about people like us that was kind of... I dunno, cool? Like oh your mum baked cakes? Well my mum got arrested, so I think my weekend might have been just a liiiittle more interesting, Sarah.
It didn't occur to me when I first started dating in my early 20s that this would make me less attractive to some people. And it didn't! I think because I thought I was pretty cool most other people around me did as well. But the wheels started to come off when my first serious boyfriend witnessed one of my mum's abusive rages firsthand while we were on (a very ill-advised) holiday together. Previously we'd had cute little agreements like if we ever got married he'd take my (cool, exotic) last name that had been handed down from my mum. Suddenly he wanted us to have his (boring, sounds-like-a-first-name) last name. It went downhill from there, culminating in him saying maybe it would be best when we had children if we didn't use my eggs at all. Just my womb! Wouldn't want to risk my mum's crazy genes getting in there!
The irony was his family were all mad as a bag of cats. The only difference I could see was that they were all swallowing each others' bullshit and living in deep denial of how unhappy they all were. It feels unfair but I think sometimes the fact that we're willing to tell the truth about our family's dysfunction makes us a target for other people's projection and feelings of inadequacy that surround their own upbringings.
And FYI I know I said he witnessed the episode of abuse firsthand, but during the ordeal, when she really reached her crescendo, she told him to leave so she could be alone with me. You know what he did? He turned tail and SCAMPERED OFF. To think that I was the one with the weak genes is, quite frankly, laughable.
Now in my early 30s as everyone is looking to settle down I'm encountering these attitudes more and more, also from people with their own messed up families! It's as if some of them, instead of dealing with their shit, aspire to marry themselves into a perfect family. As if that's going to save them from themselves (Personally I think your guy's tennis fantasy was a dead giveaway for this. Mine wanted to be able to go jetskiing... lol). I don't feel I can do much about this except to look forward to the day I finally meet my match, who thinks I'm really great. But rest assured that greatness is going to INCLUDE the fact that I've had to deal with a lot of crap in my upbringing.
I am dead certain I am going to meet this person, and you are going to meet your person. Because I can tell you now, there is absolutely no fucking way I went through everything that I did so I could come out the other side and end up with some snivelly little twerp who can't handle the fact that I was dealt some tough cards and still managed to grow into a wonderful person. If that's what the universe has planned for either of us, it can shove it up its ass. It is ludicrous, LUDICROUS to me, that anyone could look at a strong young woman who's dealing with her shit and think that that is anything less than very cool and intriguing, or that she has to make herself smaller and less complicated to be acceptable. I know there are plenty of these people out there and someone has to end up with them, but sorry! I refuse to be that bored.
Amazing and so true. The truth about the wounds a mother can leave is that all of the movies, tv shows and holiday campaigns, let you know that you can never be whole without the love of a 'good' mother. The truth is that we were always whole and their are a lot of people who just pretend they were the apple of their mother's eye. That said, unraveling all that has been knit around you when you were not nurtured as a small person, is the best /hardest work of a lifetime, and will let you love and see people in a way that may be deeper than those who have never know this particularly tight knit sweater dress
Thank you for this excellent column, Polly. NBD, please investigate Al-Anon ASAP. The meetings are filled with daughters like you. The old-timers will teach you the hows and wise of baking and living graciously in the present. Your life will grow deeper and wider. Other's narrow opinions of your life will shrink, and you will be less inclined to seek them out. Your view of yourself will lovingly expand. Self-compassion and kindness change everything. My best wishes to you.
I used to feel the way you do, I also grew up with a single mother who was extremely invalidating, threatening, emotionally unavailable, and that has left scars as numerous as stars in the sky. She absolutely did not bake either, the thought of it makes me laugh because it's so ridiculous to imagine. But then I finally found the person who was strong enough and caring enough to be with all dimensions of me and my life, not just the cherry-picked parts. He's better than all the guys who couldn't. By far! Kinder, smarter, more resilient, stronger, more stable, more mature, the list goes on and on. Just be patient, know that there's a better future ahead.
You're better than the guys who have no understanding of the importance of overcoming obstacles in life, and you're better than your mother who didn't take responsibility in raising you. Lift yourself up, you're worth it! Someone more worthy will make space for you, and they'll also be mature enough to make space for all of life's struggles. Don't settle for these weak guys who didn't value you.
When my ex started seeing someone, I worked so hard to be so welcoming and the ex [who is, by absolute logistical necessity, still v much in my life] even noticed and was like “it’s a bit much…” and now I see WHY I WAS DOING IT. Hard to read but also very helpful to read, thank you.
Also this — a running theme — is a constant welcome reminder:
“ You have to let reality in, so you can feel more joy… You have to surrender to what is, and relish it, and enjoy it, and create from it, and grieve it, too. ”
Thank you!!
Don’t usually comment on Polly posts but this one spoke to me. I’m not sure if I can stand to introduce another partner to my family again, and I know that’s because (some of) the people I’ve dated just haven’t had the capacity to not make a horrible family all about their experience of it (this was due to their own horrible families) but it is hard enough to figure out those relationships myself than to add them to the cess crock pot of love. It’s a heartbreaking level feeling of rejection, but the inverse experience of someone knowing you in this way and loving you and supporting you would be worth it (I imagine).
I am and I know of a lot of women with similar experiences and I know many of them who have found someone after many dinky duds who they were “too much” for.
The specifics of LW's life aren't ones I can relate to (my own mother baked, but was deeply flawed in her own ways and I don't feel like my childhood was either shining perfection or tragic). But reading Polly's response really dredged up memories of how it felt to go out into the dating world as a young divorcee. I got divorced in my twenties, and when I pulled myself together enough to go out and attempt to flirt and socialize, it was shocking to realize that in spite of still having youth on my side, most of the (immature, naïve) boys around me had zero interest in "damaged goods" like me. I felt like the butt of their joke...like it was hilarious to them that I would even be out on a Friday night embarrassing myself trying to compete with the fresh and uncomplicated 22 year old college grads that arrived in that place every summer (strong college to industry pipeline there). Even though I know now that those boys were not worth my time, I still remember how much it hurt.
I wish I had known then that those boys were DEEPLY boring (not to mention cocky, self-important assholes) and I had all the agency in the world to disregard their bullshit. The things I went through make me MORE interesting, more capable of real connection and intimacy. (To be fair, it's also their right to not be interested in those things and to just want dumb superficial connections.) But Polly absolutely nails it that you have to stop trying to hide your scars and be something you're not. There are people out there who can love and appreciate your whole self, and complicated, opinionated people like us need that kind of connection to thrive. Stepford bullshit will not suffice.
Also, this letter and comments are calling to mind Clarissa Pinkola Estes' writing (Women Who Run with the Wolves). So much goodness in that book about learning to be real, to find a lover who can appreciate darkness as well as light.
This is good Heather, really good!
Yes Polly!! Looking for tenderness and softness in LW’s life makes so much sense... and the baking wife seems like a good archetype... but I feel the key to cultivating your own true gentle state comes with accepting what YOUR life is, who YOU are, and letting someone see and accept that, as you see and accept them. 💗
Heather I love you so much.
I literally squealed with delight when I read
"Phew, you’ve unlocked WARLOCK POLLY, are you happy now?
The cure is simple. Start reading Updike and Nabokov. Read Vladimir by Julia May Jonas and Big Swiss by Jen Beagin. A MOM WHO BAKES! IN-LAWS TO PLAY TENNIS WITH! Holy god, what strange things to put your faith in! But I love your letter so much. I love your thoughts and the way you express them. Listen to me, smart woman: Life is not a bakery or a tennis court."
You're the mom a lot of us didn't have.
And then men wonder why they’re more alone than ever. SMH.
This! This! This! Warlock Polly casting REND ARMOR
A great read to start my day!
The myth of 'cooking baking mothers' is much beloved by those who choose not to see what is real. No one has a "perfect' childhood - you can a 'real' and really good childhood, and some have better than others but to think there is a problem free existence immature.
I agree with all of this-honesty with yourself with what is and what was will set you free. When meeting new people and we get to childhood talk I just like to say “I had a tumultuous childhood” and leave it at that until the relationship evolves a bit more. It’s also confusing bc now my mom is less abusive/or more to the point I’m an adult. but she’s still incredibly childish. It’s helped to bond with my siblings over this, though one is a holdout who wants to deny reality, but that’s ok too I guess, it’s her journey. Surrendering to the reality that we are never going to convince her otherwise has been freeing too. Plus it’s petty but nicknames for narratives are your friend (for the parent not the tennis shorts girlfriend or guy).
My own mother had an upbringing very much like NBD's. All of her relationships have been very deeply complicated by the VAST dysfunction within her family of origin.
I love Heather's advice and I hope that the LW takes it to heart. I also just want to add one thing: Boundaries are going to be NBD's best friend - now, and especially as she gets older. It could be that all of NBD's exes have run at the first sign of trouble, but I think it could also be that NBD hasn't yet created a space for herself that is separate from and insulated from her mother. If she's able to be sympathetic and caring toward her family without assuming responsibility for all of the problems that arise from dysfunction and alcoholism, her partners are more likely to not see those issues as threatening to the lives that they want to build.
As an adult now, I can better understand the stress that my mother's family put on her marriage. Part of that was that my dad wasn't the best at supporting her, and part of it was that she let her family's problems become our problems to a certain extent. They were both young and were both doing the best they could with the ways that they were raised. It's dysfunctional to be raised in a family where everyone is an alcoholic who has trouble controlling their emotions, but it's also dysfunctional to be raised in a family where image matters a lot and feelings never get discussed.
It may feel strange for her to think about, but it's entirely possible that NBD will, herself, end up as a mother who bakes one day. Baking is fun, and not all that tough. It sounds like she's doing everything she needs to do to put herself and her future loved ones on a better path. The difference between deep dysfunction and a happy life isn't so vast - it can be bridged in one generation. My mother grew up around poverty and abuse, but she baked with me. When her family would call, drunk and in a rage, she would just hang up and come back to the kitchen and help child-me measure and stir and set the oven timer.
At first I couldn't fully relate to the LW, although felt deeply for them, but after reading Heather's response, the connection to my own life was made instantly. Another great example of how Heather can take one individual's short description of a point in time, written specifically for that person/place/thing, and leave us all at the end feel as though we were the original LW.
Separately, 'Our whole country has a hard on for pedigree at the moment, and honestly, it’s just so stupid and shallow and bad.' Yes! I've noticed this too. Everyone is looking for 'thoroughbreds' like they're sold in a catalog. Not just in romance, but socially. Yuck.