I really needed this at this particular time. I'm like a weird alien too and I've finally learned how to morph and become invisible without feeling like I'm rejecting myself. It's more that I don't want to show all my cards to people who may not be able to handle it. I get rejected a lot and I feel it. I don't take individual rejections personally but the collective weight of all of them is hard to bear. But if anything, this article has given me the strength needed to keep going and keep my heart open to potential connections.
Yes I feel you. It's hard to not concretize beliefs about yourself and your place in the world from the consistent messages from many different people that you're weird, unwanted, mistrusted that you've received throughout your life. To live openly and peacefully in your existence requires you to continuously survey outside influences and resist internalizing any influence that would burden you and push you to shut in. You have to always be aware of what might be creeping in you that does not server you. This is exhausting and crippling lol. Our being feels incompatible with existing in the confines of a social hierarchy.
"To live openly and peacefully in your existence requires you to continuously survey outside influences and resist internalizing any influence that would burden you and push you to shut in."
And it also means welcoming the influences that build you up! If someone makes you feel confident and more like yourself, deliberately prioritize that relationship.
There is bad in this world, but there is also good. Running towards the good and being greedy for joy is a waaaay less exhausting strategy than constantly guarding against the bad.
Indeed! In my circles, full of delightful neurodivergent goblins/aliens, there's a lot of talk about rejection sensitivity dysphoria... I joke I have the opposite, I get almost euphoric when someone rejects me or cuts me down..and I realize it's because it means they're paying attention. Maybe not to what I want them to, but to *something* and I always say a little blessing for their curiosity and need to be seen. Doesn't mean I have to stay and convince them of their reality or be boxed in by limiting binaries... And sometimes rejection is useful feedback too. Keeps us humble when taken in stride 💖
You said it so well, Danielle. Navigating this spiritual being having a human experience thing is exhausting. The two layers (nature and culture) are often conflicting and it’s exhausting to be in the middle of it all!
In defense of (kindly) rejecting people: we all only have so many hours in the day and so much energy to put toward relationships. Sometimes you might try to get close to a person who just doesn't have the capacity for the type of relationship you want with them. They might like you and appreciate your differences even as they keep you at arm's length.
I sometimes find myself declining overtures from friends of my loved ones and I don't think it's because I dislike them or fear intimacy. I'm introverted and love my alone time. I also enjoy having "medium friends" who I hang with just a few times a year--keeps life spicy! But I think some people feel the need to be super close to everyone their loved ones' are close with. They find it threatening for their bestie to have other besties who are just their friendly acquaintances. So they try to force intimacy even if that organic spark just isn't there. I'd love to shake a few people and say, "I do like you! As a friend of a friend! (Or as my mom's neighbor friend!) And if you slowed down and took a breath, I think you'd realize you don't really like me more than that either!"
Take a beat and consider whether you feel rejected because you genuinely desire the connection or because you have some people-pleasing/anxious attachment compulsions. If the latter, maybe work to turn the volume down on those and join us in the happy fun rejects club <3
Medium or light friendships can be really meaningful, especially when they span across life phases. I love popping in and out of each other's lives like delightful character actors doing cameos. It's like, look, Ten Danson! And now he has a wife and a kid, isn't life grand.
Thank you to KL and to you, Jessica, for saying this. I have a couple of close friends and beyond that, i love having meaningful medium and light friendships that span decades.
Moreover, maybe it's because I am very shy...but being half of a conversation is overwhelming to me. I love talking/texting or socializing with at least 2 friends. One on one is very hard. Small groups are great for me.
I relate so much to this. I feel like I spend a lot of time rejecting people/keeping them at arms length, but it's not because I think they're terrible! I just don't have the capacity for that many close friendships, and I want to spend my energy on the people who feel like my soul matches
I understand the need to have and want alone time (I am an ambivert, so have both intro- and extro-vert leanings), however, I have to say, I really don't like the idea of ranking friends such as "medium" or any other label that has recently seemed to crop up. Either someone is your friend, or they are not. They are an acquaintance. (Mom's neighbor friend is an example). We are already suffering from an epidemic of loneliness and surveys/studies have shown that people have fewer friends than ever. On top of that, we have a culture that overemphasizes and prioritizes romantic relationships over platonic ones. Ranking our friends or the people we know doesn't seem to help. What if a "medium" friend thinks of the other person as a "close" friend? Just a food for thought.
I hear you! I think ranking could be helpful to some people because they tend to give everything to their closest friends, and sometimes confuse acquaintances for people they should drop everything to serve. I also think I've been guilty of believing in the past that every friend should treat me like a top priority. It's actually been helpful for me to consider that some friends see me as a fun acquaintance or light friend. This is how a lot of people do it - they think through who they feel closest to, and who they have energy for. Even though I'm much more all or nothing about friendships, the truth is that my fantasies about how other people SHOULD haven't served me that well. I mean, I'll always be idealistic about how the world should be, it's just who I am. But I'm working hard to live in reality and accept what is, and that includes dropping my recurring narratives that interpret differences as something hurtful or unfair or unjust, and moving towards more compassion for the fact that no one is immune to pain and rejection and we all have very different defenses in play.
This question really cuts to what I'm trying to say: What if a "medium" friend thinks of the other person as a "close" friend?
That is the sort of "rejection" I think is helpful to learn to tolerate. Just this weekend, I went to a dinner party of a friend who left my last two text messages on read over six months. We went to college and grad school together and even lived together for a year. I have tried to be close friends with him, but years of evidence suggests he prefers my company in groups of six or more. But we really do have a great time when we see each other, so I've accepted that maintaining this connection is worth the occasional pang of insecurity or ego bruise. I cultivate more secure, close friendships with people who are open to it. For me, experiencing friendship as a spectrum helps me take "slights" less personally.
I think the loneliness epidemic would be helped if society recognized that social rejection happens to literally everyone. If we were taught that when our bids for connection don't pan out how we wished, it isn't an indictment on our likeability. We can appreciate what we did get from the interaction and try with others, and chances are, we will eventually connect with compatible people looking for the same sort of friendship. I learned that during several lonely, socially awkward years after moving to a city where I had no friends.
What you said about being personally fearful really affecting relationships is extremely true. I'm ruled by a lot of shame I'm tryna sort out, (its so hard), mental illness, and I left university and I'm with my emotionally abusive family again to finish community college. It ended up being the right choice because 1) no more anxious metldowns daily and 2) no more tearing my hair out after tying it in knots, a habit I had for a year I was enrolled and is now entirely gone. But when I was pursuing a major I hated, my friend (ha, remember you talking about how you reacted so badly to people who explored the world boldly, taking risks, working hard? My friend is that. President of an agriculture club, always trying new things and new events, very busy, but passionate. ) noticed how I wasn't passionate about techat all. He said I never talked about my major, and while he understood I wanted a secure job, coding had very little I enjoyed. And I often had distant reactions to him, interpreted his concern as him misunderstanding me, because I didn't validate my own fears and feelings so how would I listen to his correct observations? It made my friendships a little dissatisfying because I had this whole area of my life (my future career) I was trying not to think about, and it really made me anxious and sad and sick. You can understand this, Polly, because you did this with romantic relationships when you were younger.
I still feel sad, weak, and broken . I have an extremely firm group on some bad stories that I can't do the basic things needed to thrive (pushing back on it a little by crocheting, going to therapy...). But I thought the world would end if I left my university/major, and it didn't. Now that the personal fear is gone, I can interact with people better since I'm being honest--Im terrified of the future, and figuring out if mental health is a field I wanna go into. goddamnz I had a date, and I didn't want to talk about my classes when they asked because I instantly experienced a knot in my stomach! I will probably relearn this lesson of not avoiding my problems over and over again, but Now I really understand how personal fear can affect intimacy and the way I react to people
I get where you are coming from and, on a spiritual level, I mostly agree. But that is often not true on a political, societal level, in regards to marginalized groups. Ask the trans community, for example, if "rejection" is impacting their lives in a directly toxic way. The question, for non-members of a marginalized community, is whether we are willing to risk personal rejection for embracing any such marginalized community.
What I struggle with is when I feel rejected by someone (even if I didn’t even liked them that much), I reject them too and am mean to them in my head. It‘s a weird defense mechanism. I wish I could still treat them like a normal person and sometimes that happens with time, but my first reaction is to make them my enemy… (in my head, not to their face, but that doesn’t make it better)
Learning to not take rejection personally (and basically everything else in this post) was one of the biggest moments of growth as I’ve gotten older. “Not taking it personally” is more of an ongoing practice than an accomplishment - old patterns always show back up and test me.
Same here! There are always new tests that dig up old issues/patterns/reactions, and they usually appear just as I'm sure I've got it all figured out, at last!
People are weird about status. I had a friend who one day decided to invite me over and let me drive, tearing around on gravel roads in the back woods near her house, without my having a license, her classic Mustang, but for years, she wouldn't be seen with me in public. She actually liked me. She decided fuck it, and she told me. You may never know.
I really needed this at this particular time. I'm like a weird alien too and I've finally learned how to morph and become invisible without feeling like I'm rejecting myself. It's more that I don't want to show all my cards to people who may not be able to handle it. I get rejected a lot and I feel it. I don't take individual rejections personally but the collective weight of all of them is hard to bear. But if anything, this article has given me the strength needed to keep going and keep my heart open to potential connections.
Yes I feel you. It's hard to not concretize beliefs about yourself and your place in the world from the consistent messages from many different people that you're weird, unwanted, mistrusted that you've received throughout your life. To live openly and peacefully in your existence requires you to continuously survey outside influences and resist internalizing any influence that would burden you and push you to shut in. You have to always be aware of what might be creeping in you that does not server you. This is exhausting and crippling lol. Our being feels incompatible with existing in the confines of a social hierarchy.
"To live openly and peacefully in your existence requires you to continuously survey outside influences and resist internalizing any influence that would burden you and push you to shut in."
And it also means welcoming the influences that build you up! If someone makes you feel confident and more like yourself, deliberately prioritize that relationship.
There is bad in this world, but there is also good. Running towards the good and being greedy for joy is a waaaay less exhausting strategy than constantly guarding against the bad.
"greedy for joy" 🙌🏼
Indeed! In my circles, full of delightful neurodivergent goblins/aliens, there's a lot of talk about rejection sensitivity dysphoria... I joke I have the opposite, I get almost euphoric when someone rejects me or cuts me down..and I realize it's because it means they're paying attention. Maybe not to what I want them to, but to *something* and I always say a little blessing for their curiosity and need to be seen. Doesn't mean I have to stay and convince them of their reality or be boxed in by limiting binaries... And sometimes rejection is useful feedback too. Keeps us humble when taken in stride 💖
You said it so well, Danielle. Navigating this spiritual being having a human experience thing is exhausting. The two layers (nature and culture) are often conflicting and it’s exhausting to be in the middle of it all!
In defense of (kindly) rejecting people: we all only have so many hours in the day and so much energy to put toward relationships. Sometimes you might try to get close to a person who just doesn't have the capacity for the type of relationship you want with them. They might like you and appreciate your differences even as they keep you at arm's length.
I sometimes find myself declining overtures from friends of my loved ones and I don't think it's because I dislike them or fear intimacy. I'm introverted and love my alone time. I also enjoy having "medium friends" who I hang with just a few times a year--keeps life spicy! But I think some people feel the need to be super close to everyone their loved ones' are close with. They find it threatening for their bestie to have other besties who are just their friendly acquaintances. So they try to force intimacy even if that organic spark just isn't there. I'd love to shake a few people and say, "I do like you! As a friend of a friend! (Or as my mom's neighbor friend!) And if you slowed down and took a breath, I think you'd realize you don't really like me more than that either!"
Take a beat and consider whether you feel rejected because you genuinely desire the connection or because you have some people-pleasing/anxious attachment compulsions. If the latter, maybe work to turn the volume down on those and join us in the happy fun rejects club <3
I really enjoy medium (or even light?) friends who seem present in the moments we're together, without needing more from me.
Medium or light friendships can be really meaningful, especially when they span across life phases. I love popping in and out of each other's lives like delightful character actors doing cameos. It's like, look, Ten Danson! And now he has a wife and a kid, isn't life grand.
Thank you to KL and to you, Jessica, for saying this. I have a couple of close friends and beyond that, i love having meaningful medium and light friendships that span decades.
Moreover, maybe it's because I am very shy...but being half of a conversation is overwhelming to me. I love talking/texting or socializing with at least 2 friends. One on one is very hard. Small groups are great for me.
I relate so much to this. I feel like I spend a lot of time rejecting people/keeping them at arms length, but it's not because I think they're terrible! I just don't have the capacity for that many close friendships, and I want to spend my energy on the people who feel like my soul matches
Yes! Me, too.
I understand the need to have and want alone time (I am an ambivert, so have both intro- and extro-vert leanings), however, I have to say, I really don't like the idea of ranking friends such as "medium" or any other label that has recently seemed to crop up. Either someone is your friend, or they are not. They are an acquaintance. (Mom's neighbor friend is an example). We are already suffering from an epidemic of loneliness and surveys/studies have shown that people have fewer friends than ever. On top of that, we have a culture that overemphasizes and prioritizes romantic relationships over platonic ones. Ranking our friends or the people we know doesn't seem to help. What if a "medium" friend thinks of the other person as a "close" friend? Just a food for thought.
I hear you! I think ranking could be helpful to some people because they tend to give everything to their closest friends, and sometimes confuse acquaintances for people they should drop everything to serve. I also think I've been guilty of believing in the past that every friend should treat me like a top priority. It's actually been helpful for me to consider that some friends see me as a fun acquaintance or light friend. This is how a lot of people do it - they think through who they feel closest to, and who they have energy for. Even though I'm much more all or nothing about friendships, the truth is that my fantasies about how other people SHOULD haven't served me that well. I mean, I'll always be idealistic about how the world should be, it's just who I am. But I'm working hard to live in reality and accept what is, and that includes dropping my recurring narratives that interpret differences as something hurtful or unfair or unjust, and moving towards more compassion for the fact that no one is immune to pain and rejection and we all have very different defenses in play.
This question really cuts to what I'm trying to say: What if a "medium" friend thinks of the other person as a "close" friend?
That is the sort of "rejection" I think is helpful to learn to tolerate. Just this weekend, I went to a dinner party of a friend who left my last two text messages on read over six months. We went to college and grad school together and even lived together for a year. I have tried to be close friends with him, but years of evidence suggests he prefers my company in groups of six or more. But we really do have a great time when we see each other, so I've accepted that maintaining this connection is worth the occasional pang of insecurity or ego bruise. I cultivate more secure, close friendships with people who are open to it. For me, experiencing friendship as a spectrum helps me take "slights" less personally.
I think the loneliness epidemic would be helped if society recognized that social rejection happens to literally everyone. If we were taught that when our bids for connection don't pan out how we wished, it isn't an indictment on our likeability. We can appreciate what we did get from the interaction and try with others, and chances are, we will eventually connect with compatible people looking for the same sort of friendship. I learned that during several lonely, socially awkward years after moving to a city where I had no friends.
Holy moly, I've never felt more seen., and caught out for the way I reject others and the stories I tell myself when I'm rejected.
What you said about being personally fearful really affecting relationships is extremely true. I'm ruled by a lot of shame I'm tryna sort out, (its so hard), mental illness, and I left university and I'm with my emotionally abusive family again to finish community college. It ended up being the right choice because 1) no more anxious metldowns daily and 2) no more tearing my hair out after tying it in knots, a habit I had for a year I was enrolled and is now entirely gone. But when I was pursuing a major I hated, my friend (ha, remember you talking about how you reacted so badly to people who explored the world boldly, taking risks, working hard? My friend is that. President of an agriculture club, always trying new things and new events, very busy, but passionate. ) noticed how I wasn't passionate about techat all. He said I never talked about my major, and while he understood I wanted a secure job, coding had very little I enjoyed. And I often had distant reactions to him, interpreted his concern as him misunderstanding me, because I didn't validate my own fears and feelings so how would I listen to his correct observations? It made my friendships a little dissatisfying because I had this whole area of my life (my future career) I was trying not to think about, and it really made me anxious and sad and sick. You can understand this, Polly, because you did this with romantic relationships when you were younger.
I still feel sad, weak, and broken . I have an extremely firm group on some bad stories that I can't do the basic things needed to thrive (pushing back on it a little by crocheting, going to therapy...). But I thought the world would end if I left my university/major, and it didn't. Now that the personal fear is gone, I can interact with people better since I'm being honest--Im terrified of the future, and figuring out if mental health is a field I wanna go into. goddamnz I had a date, and I didn't want to talk about my classes when they asked because I instantly experienced a knot in my stomach! I will probably relearn this lesson of not avoiding my problems over and over again, but Now I really understand how personal fear can affect intimacy and the way I react to people
I get where you are coming from and, on a spiritual level, I mostly agree. But that is often not true on a political, societal level, in regards to marginalized groups. Ask the trans community, for example, if "rejection" is impacting their lives in a directly toxic way. The question, for non-members of a marginalized community, is whether we are willing to risk personal rejection for embracing any such marginalized community.
I forwarded this to every person I love. It's that good.
Lovely piece. Hit home to my very soul. Sums up exactly where I am in my life in realizing everything you said.
What I struggle with is when I feel rejected by someone (even if I didn’t even liked them that much), I reject them too and am mean to them in my head. It‘s a weird defense mechanism. I wish I could still treat them like a normal person and sometimes that happens with time, but my first reaction is to make them my enemy… (in my head, not to their face, but that doesn’t make it better)
loved every word of it. everyone should read this.
You speak the truth, an experienced truth. Thank you for confirming my suspicions.
Learning to not take rejection personally (and basically everything else in this post) was one of the biggest moments of growth as I’ve gotten older. “Not taking it personally” is more of an ongoing practice than an accomplishment - old patterns always show back up and test me.
Same here! There are always new tests that dig up old issues/patterns/reactions, and they usually appear just as I'm sure I've got it all figured out, at last!
Totally! The timing is impeccable
This is great advice. Well done :)
Thank you! I needed this so much today.
Oh but it feels so personal.
Beautiful piece.
People are weird about status. I had a friend who one day decided to invite me over and let me drive, tearing around on gravel roads in the back woods near her house, without my having a license, her classic Mustang, but for years, she wouldn't be seen with me in public. She actually liked me. She decided fuck it, and she told me. You may never know.