Loved the part about how being around people even when they drive you nuts is good for you. Sometimes I feel like we rob ourselves of beautiful experiences and people in the name of “protecting our peace” but of course there’s nuance to everything and some people should be avoided LOL happy new year everyone!!
Absolutely agree that being around people even when they drive you nuts is good for you. Tolerance for frustration, quirks, and surprises is what keeps us resilient, evolving, and dynamic. And it prevents the an echo-chamber that algorithms have siloed us into in the modern internet age. It prevents loneliness! I've often found that people claim "protecting our peace” as a veiled excuse to be as comfortable as possible, an idea I'm vehemently against. After all, life is hard, might as well face it head-on and embrace the challenge instead of hiding. And if we're not able to tolerate ambivalence or frustration or other points of views, how can we learn to respect those who are different from us and expect to learn and grow, two inherently uncomfortable (but rewarding) things?
I’m a musician isolated in the mountains of North Carolina (with sketchy WiFi and cell service) but would be interested in being part of a community of other like-minded Polly/Molly people.
That would be lovely! I've been bookmarking small Polly quotes that stand out to me from way back - The Awl days of essays to now and it would be nice to share those with the Polly/Molly peeps here
My vibe shift this year will be No False Scarcity, No Rationing of Creativity.
Meaning, I can work on more than one creative project at once! Even within the same day!
There were seasons in my life where I did have to ration my energy and time, but now that my (leukemia survivor) kid is healthy and in college, and now that my own health is waaaaay better, I am entering a time of energy-abundance. I used to feel like I had to "save up" spare time and energy for everything I did, and the cost would hurt. But now....I'm rich in energy? I have time to be luxurious with...effort? I get to choose to spend that effort on the things that bring me the most sense of triumph and sensory joy? (I'm putting question marks after everything because I'm still figuring out if it's real!)
I like what you say about "false scarcity." I grew up with scarcity and it took a lot of effort as an adult to understand that all the work really did pay off, and I don't need to worry about not having what I need and not providing what I need to provide.
Being able to chat with people who also read Ask Polly would be rather wonderful. I am not a joiner, but mostly because I fail to find things in common (like, actually in common rather than performatively in common) with a lot of people. That’s because I don’t believe most people want to talk about psychology and/or philosophy most of the time. Perhaps this community might?
I've heard kids nowadays do Discord. Maybe there could be an 'Ask Polly' one of these? Something more chat/informal/followable than another substack comment?
I think I'd start by using the chat feature of Substack. I also think an explicitly friendship-focused offshoot that's free would be great. I started writing about this early this morning and I really want to make this happen!
I vote against Discord. I'm very comfortable with using Substack and Reddit in my privacy browser, but I have have zero interest downloading and learning a complicated app. Bless all you young people with with your Discords, enjoy your lives, I wish you nothing but the best. If you want to chat with me, you will find me in my rocking chair on the porch of the retirement community. Yell loud enough so that I can hear you without turning on my hearing aid.
I'd like to share more of my personal life and thoughts in these comments. I already do, sometimes, but I feel a little bit like...am I allowed to? Is it presumptuous? I hold back because I don't want to hog the spotlight or detract from the main content of the essay or letter. Is it an invasion of privacy to ask other commentators follow-up questions on their comments?
I've sort of made friends with some other commentators and even with you, Heather, but it feels like a sneaky little thing I'm getting away with on the side. ;-) heh heh heh
Maybe we need some extra bonus posts that are specifically open discussion posts. Like, "Here is a topic, discuss! Ask each other for clarification! Feel free to overshare and joke around!"
I get it! I’m actually determined to do more of those kinds of posts that open up a discussion because there’s so much we need to talk about, and we’re living through such a strange alienated time! Everyone should suggest topics here!
Here are my ideas! (I'm very into numbered lists recently)
1. I love hearing about other people's lifehacks or mindset shifts. There's a segment in the Guardian called "The One Change That Worked", and it would be cool to have the Ask Polly discussion version of that.
2. It's fun to share the books that help us make sense of our lives. Or bitchy reviews of books we hated, that's fun too.
3. Friendships and relationships--how do they work, practically? How do you adjust to different people while also asking them to adjust to you? I want gossipy specifics from all kinds of people.
4. What is everyone making, writing, drawing, singing? I want actual links so that we can complement and encourage each other.
BEGINNER’S MIND. A tai chi teacher decades ago taught us to appreciate beginner’s mind—that once you’re skilled at something you can never again experience the newness, awkwardness, tentativeness of practicing something brand new. To revel in that childhood freshness of watching your mind and body working so hard to do something badly, which with enough repetition will become unconscious, effortless.
I started studying Japanese right before college and now, 20+ years later, I still get flashbacks of that sense of newness, the novelty and amazement.
I'm still studying, there's always more to learn, but it's a different feeling when you're already used to the language and it's part of your work, so I really enjoy being able to remember those early days. I imagine it with a physical skil it would be harder to retain those memories.
Thank you for acknowledging that spending time with people can also be difficult, driving you nuts, while also being good for you. This is rarely acknowledged in our society, and I feel so validated in reading that.
I’m such a committed lurker rather than a commenter, but inspired by your post I have come to say - YES to all this - and thank you so much for saying so (not to mention all your other outstanding contributions over the last year), and especially I would love to build deeper community bonds here ❤️
I'm curious, what would tip the balance for you between being a committed lurker and a regular commentator? Or, maybe another way to ask is, what usually holds you back from commenting, and what would make you comfortable with commenting?
I'm sure there are a lot of lurkers who feel the same way as you right now, but also didn't say anything! ;-)
Thanks for asking KL- uncertainty about striking the right tone I guess- trying not to get too carried away or be too intense (lol) but I figure in this space we are pretty safe (with similar spirit animals perhaps (metaphorically speaking 🙂↕️) and the more we dip our toes in gently and test the water the more the right depth and flow for the conversation here will be revealed. In terms of comments sections in general, these days I am not always sure if any replies are from a living person or a bot, so I hope you are real (no offence intended)🤞because the thought of developing community with other people is deeply satisfying, but with AI not so much. I was moved to comment here specifically because I find Heather deeply insightful and her writing powerful and multi layered, and so I have hope that others out there following her (and in these comments), may have been drawn to her with a similar appreciation for what she does - and that that similar point of reference might inspire all sorts of interesting and enlivening online discussions. And I didn't want to be left out of that! Thanks again for reaching out 😊
The ambivalence vibe shift really spoke to me. Hitting mid-40s has been all about letting the grumpy old bitch in for a spell knowing she’ll eventually move on.
I’m having a bit of New Years vibe shift/resolution/intention whiplash. I’m need some time to absorb and reflect on the vibe shifts that are most desired! Can we start an open thread where we can post and discuss…maybe those of us with similar vibe shift desires could split off and stay loosely in touch in how the shifts are shifting?
I love this space and HH perspective/writing very much. It’s the only place I return to consistently on substack (other than a watercolorist I also love). But I’m sure I’m not alone in this…I need time to process! I’m still digesting the big baby post from last week (?) - it’s so good. It’s all highlighted and marked up in my notes app. It’s not about getting it all down or right but a space arranged by themes or vibe shifts to deep dive would be awesome. A little bulwark against the constant tide of new content streaming into our eyeballs/hearts and minds.
This place…space…community?…of sensitive, intelligent, complex people is my favorite because it speaks to me in a way I don’t often get in my day to day life even with close friends. I also really yearn for IRL over plonking out letters on my phone but love that we are all able to connect here and hope for more of it in 2026! ❤️
p.s. I live in Ventura/Ojai area in CA in case anyone close by!
Yes, I often think that it would be cool to have a theme for a week and keep a thread going around that theme all week, where we discuss different ideas, approaches, challenges, philosophies. I need to reflect on this and think about how to tackle it - might just have to dive in and experiment with it and see what works.
I make a podcast (Walk the Pod, if I am allowed to mention it) with a theme every month. We think about the theme, pay attention to what’s directly in front of us, and walk. Listeners send voicenotes about what the theme means to them. Sometimes it’s profound, sometimes really not.
There is often a book as a central source of wisdom for each theme. Ask Polly features regularly, and is probably the most quoted source of wisdom outside of books.
I just mention this in case it’s of interest. I love reading, but I feel tired of interacting by thumb-typing (plonking out letters, as Trish said!) Sometimes it’s nice to hear people’s voices.
I love the part about trying to be with other people, even as a non-joiner who loves (loves loves loves!) solitude. This is really hard for me. I mean, I enjoy people, but committing the time to it, which takes time away from writing/reading/making, has been a challenge my whole life. Truly enjoying solitude is a gift, but it means we have to really make an effort to break out of the solitude. I love the whole Substack "community" thing--where we get some of the connection, and the feels, without having to, you know, get dressed up for a party.
Finding something you can do around other people that's very casual, routine, and doesn't have to be incredibly social might help. I have often underestimated how much of a different acquaintanceships can make in my life and my mood!
Ah, yes, acquaintanceships! It's great to have those people you run into regularly (coffee shop, etc) that don't require a full friendship/planing relationship.
That’s why I started Ukuele club at my local rec centre. A group that is low commitment and just being around other people has been really great for my mental health. I’m very much a beginner so I also get the benefit of learning something new.
Thanks for putting into words what I have yet to articulate. One thing I will add to my intention is less control, more ease. 2026 is gonna be wonderful. I have good feeling about it. ✨
Loved the part about how being around people even when they drive you nuts is good for you. Sometimes I feel like we rob ourselves of beautiful experiences and people in the name of “protecting our peace” but of course there’s nuance to everything and some people should be avoided LOL happy new year everyone!!
Absolutely agree that being around people even when they drive you nuts is good for you. Tolerance for frustration, quirks, and surprises is what keeps us resilient, evolving, and dynamic. And it prevents the an echo-chamber that algorithms have siloed us into in the modern internet age. It prevents loneliness! I've often found that people claim "protecting our peace” as a veiled excuse to be as comfortable as possible, an idea I'm vehemently against. After all, life is hard, might as well face it head-on and embrace the challenge instead of hiding. And if we're not able to tolerate ambivalence or frustration or other points of views, how can we learn to respect those who are different from us and expect to learn and grow, two inherently uncomfortable (but rewarding) things?
Ha ha loved the clarity of “ some people should adjust be avoided”
Ha ha loved the clarity of “ some people should adjust be avoided”
I’m a musician isolated in the mountains of North Carolina (with sketchy WiFi and cell service) but would be interested in being part of a community of other like-minded Polly/Molly people.
That would be lovely! I've been bookmarking small Polly quotes that stand out to me from way back - The Awl days of essays to now and it would be nice to share those with the Polly/Molly peeps here
My vibe shift this year will be No False Scarcity, No Rationing of Creativity.
Meaning, I can work on more than one creative project at once! Even within the same day!
There were seasons in my life where I did have to ration my energy and time, but now that my (leukemia survivor) kid is healthy and in college, and now that my own health is waaaaay better, I am entering a time of energy-abundance. I used to feel like I had to "save up" spare time and energy for everything I did, and the cost would hurt. But now....I'm rich in energy? I have time to be luxurious with...effort? I get to choose to spend that effort on the things that bring me the most sense of triumph and sensory joy? (I'm putting question marks after everything because I'm still figuring out if it's real!)
I like what you say about "false scarcity." I grew up with scarcity and it took a lot of effort as an adult to understand that all the work really did pay off, and I don't need to worry about not having what I need and not providing what I need to provide.
Yeah exactly! If you had to white-knuckle it to survive, there's a season of loosening your grip, and it hurts! Hand cramps!
Being able to chat with people who also read Ask Polly would be rather wonderful. I am not a joiner, but mostly because I fail to find things in common (like, actually in common rather than performatively in common) with a lot of people. That’s because I don’t believe most people want to talk about psychology and/or philosophy most of the time. Perhaps this community might?
I've heard kids nowadays do Discord. Maybe there could be an 'Ask Polly' one of these? Something more chat/informal/followable than another substack comment?
I love discord! A great idea. What do you think, Polly?
I think I'd start by using the chat feature of Substack. I also think an explicitly friendship-focused offshoot that's free would be great. I started writing about this early this morning and I really want to make this happen!
I vote against Discord. I'm very comfortable with using Substack and Reddit in my privacy browser, but I have have zero interest downloading and learning a complicated app. Bless all you young people with with your Discords, enjoy your lives, I wish you nothing but the best. If you want to chat with me, you will find me in my rocking chair on the porch of the retirement community. Yell loud enough so that I can hear you without turning on my hearing aid.
I'd like to share more of my personal life and thoughts in these comments. I already do, sometimes, but I feel a little bit like...am I allowed to? Is it presumptuous? I hold back because I don't want to hog the spotlight or detract from the main content of the essay or letter. Is it an invasion of privacy to ask other commentators follow-up questions on their comments?
I've sort of made friends with some other commentators and even with you, Heather, but it feels like a sneaky little thing I'm getting away with on the side. ;-) heh heh heh
Maybe we need some extra bonus posts that are specifically open discussion posts. Like, "Here is a topic, discuss! Ask each other for clarification! Feel free to overshare and joke around!"
I get it! I’m actually determined to do more of those kinds of posts that open up a discussion because there’s so much we need to talk about, and we’re living through such a strange alienated time! Everyone should suggest topics here!
Here are my ideas! (I'm very into numbered lists recently)
1. I love hearing about other people's lifehacks or mindset shifts. There's a segment in the Guardian called "The One Change That Worked", and it would be cool to have the Ask Polly discussion version of that.
2. It's fun to share the books that help us make sense of our lives. Or bitchy reviews of books we hated, that's fun too.
3. Friendships and relationships--how do they work, practically? How do you adjust to different people while also asking them to adjust to you? I want gossipy specifics from all kinds of people.
4. What is everyone making, writing, drawing, singing? I want actual links so that we can complement and encourage each other.
Love these ideas! Thank you! I like the idea of sharing creative things a lot.
But also: Everything else you mentioned. All great!
I would absolutely shape the Discord around these topics! Who's with me? (waves torch, looks back at the crowd)
"Feel what you feel without turning it into a problem or project"
"No one gets anywhere or does anything worthwhile without being a flailing novice for years first"
"Endure the trials and tribulations of showing up for those communities in spite of their many taxing traits"
Words to live by!
BEGINNER’S MIND. A tai chi teacher decades ago taught us to appreciate beginner’s mind—that once you’re skilled at something you can never again experience the newness, awkwardness, tentativeness of practicing something brand new. To revel in that childhood freshness of watching your mind and body working so hard to do something badly, which with enough repetition will become unconscious, effortless.
I started studying Japanese right before college and now, 20+ years later, I still get flashbacks of that sense of newness, the novelty and amazement.
I'm still studying, there's always more to learn, but it's a different feeling when you're already used to the language and it's part of your work, so I really enjoy being able to remember those early days. I imagine it with a physical skil it would be harder to retain those memories.
Thank you for acknowledging that spending time with people can also be difficult, driving you nuts, while also being good for you. This is rarely acknowledged in our society, and I feel so validated in reading that.
I’m such a committed lurker rather than a commenter, but inspired by your post I have come to say - YES to all this - and thank you so much for saying so (not to mention all your other outstanding contributions over the last year), and especially I would love to build deeper community bonds here ❤️
I'm curious, what would tip the balance for you between being a committed lurker and a regular commentator? Or, maybe another way to ask is, what usually holds you back from commenting, and what would make you comfortable with commenting?
I'm sure there are a lot of lurkers who feel the same way as you right now, but also didn't say anything! ;-)
Thanks for asking KL- uncertainty about striking the right tone I guess- trying not to get too carried away or be too intense (lol) but I figure in this space we are pretty safe (with similar spirit animals perhaps (metaphorically speaking 🙂↕️) and the more we dip our toes in gently and test the water the more the right depth and flow for the conversation here will be revealed. In terms of comments sections in general, these days I am not always sure if any replies are from a living person or a bot, so I hope you are real (no offence intended)🤞because the thought of developing community with other people is deeply satisfying, but with AI not so much. I was moved to comment here specifically because I find Heather deeply insightful and her writing powerful and multi layered, and so I have hope that others out there following her (and in these comments), may have been drawn to her with a similar appreciation for what she does - and that that similar point of reference might inspire all sorts of interesting and enlivening online discussions. And I didn't want to be left out of that! Thanks again for reaching out 😊
No bot could successfully imitate me for any length of time--I'm too full of raw, obnoxious life force!!!
I hope you will grow to feel comfortable sharing your thoughts here, and maybe even comfortable getting too intense and too carried away at times. :-)
Would be into an NYC/Brooklyn chapter of Polly followers, if anyone’s interested.
That would be a vibe, I'm in Brooklyn.
I really like this, especially the idea of creating a community. Would love to meet like-minded people.
The ambivalence vibe shift really spoke to me. Hitting mid-40s has been all about letting the grumpy old bitch in for a spell knowing she’ll eventually move on.
I’m having a bit of New Years vibe shift/resolution/intention whiplash. I’m need some time to absorb and reflect on the vibe shifts that are most desired! Can we start an open thread where we can post and discuss…maybe those of us with similar vibe shift desires could split off and stay loosely in touch in how the shifts are shifting?
I love this space and HH perspective/writing very much. It’s the only place I return to consistently on substack (other than a watercolorist I also love). But I’m sure I’m not alone in this…I need time to process! I’m still digesting the big baby post from last week (?) - it’s so good. It’s all highlighted and marked up in my notes app. It’s not about getting it all down or right but a space arranged by themes or vibe shifts to deep dive would be awesome. A little bulwark against the constant tide of new content streaming into our eyeballs/hearts and minds.
This place…space…community?…of sensitive, intelligent, complex people is my favorite because it speaks to me in a way I don’t often get in my day to day life even with close friends. I also really yearn for IRL over plonking out letters on my phone but love that we are all able to connect here and hope for more of it in 2026! ❤️
p.s. I live in Ventura/Ojai area in CA in case anyone close by!
Yes, I often think that it would be cool to have a theme for a week and keep a thread going around that theme all week, where we discuss different ideas, approaches, challenges, philosophies. I need to reflect on this and think about how to tackle it - might just have to dive in and experiment with it and see what works.
I make a podcast (Walk the Pod, if I am allowed to mention it) with a theme every month. We think about the theme, pay attention to what’s directly in front of us, and walk. Listeners send voicenotes about what the theme means to them. Sometimes it’s profound, sometimes really not.
There is often a book as a central source of wisdom for each theme. Ask Polly features regularly, and is probably the most quoted source of wisdom outside of books.
I just mention this in case it’s of interest. I love reading, but I feel tired of interacting by thumb-typing (plonking out letters, as Trish said!) Sometimes it’s nice to hear people’s voices.
This sounds very cool!!
I love the part about trying to be with other people, even as a non-joiner who loves (loves loves loves!) solitude. This is really hard for me. I mean, I enjoy people, but committing the time to it, which takes time away from writing/reading/making, has been a challenge my whole life. Truly enjoying solitude is a gift, but it means we have to really make an effort to break out of the solitude. I love the whole Substack "community" thing--where we get some of the connection, and the feels, without having to, you know, get dressed up for a party.
Finding something you can do around other people that's very casual, routine, and doesn't have to be incredibly social might help. I have often underestimated how much of a different acquaintanceships can make in my life and my mood!
Ah, yes, acquaintanceships! It's great to have those people you run into regularly (coffee shop, etc) that don't require a full friendship/planing relationship.
That’s why I started Ukuele club at my local rec centre. A group that is low commitment and just being around other people has been really great for my mental health. I’m very much a beginner so I also get the benefit of learning something new.
What a great idea!
SF Ask Polly chapter, anyone?
What is a good way for us to meet up? Should we exchange email addresses and see what happens?
Sounds about right.. I’ll message you mine
Yes please!
heck yeah~~
I'm here for it (Berkeley)
Thanks for putting into words what I have yet to articulate. One thing I will add to my intention is less control, more ease. 2026 is gonna be wonderful. I have good feeling about it. ✨
I'm jealous that you can still drink! I hit perimenopause and suddenly couldn't hold a single drink without ruining my night and the next day.
I mostly miss wine with a meaty dinner...alas.
I admire your goal to build community. I had done so well, but then lots of people (ahem) left California during Covid.