9 Comments

Everything you wrote is true and is the advice I most often hear (although a bit more direct). Thing is, I've never been willing to cultivate friendships. Even my relationships have come second to my work, which is the ONLY place I feel validated. I suppose that sounds sad, but close relationships aren't for everyone. I'm even a little surprised myself how happy I am in my house with my dog. I do have a couple of friends, hundreds of miles away and that go back decades, and whom I know I can count on and whom I would be there for if they ever called on me. We only lightly stay in touch, and it works. So, yes, if you want friends or more (and all young people do, I think), this is a great article. If you don't, I hope that's OK, too. Thanks for posting.

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Intimacy has always been difficult for me. I grew up with a strong fear of not being loved. As a teenager, I never shared my thoughts, sins, or fantasies with my friends—except for one, who I still keep. However, she became Christian and doesn’t approve of my Tarot studies, LOL.

With age, I've been learning to open up to friends who, due to life's circumstances, have gotten closer. I’m a true introvert; I can be on my own for extended periods. I’m more myself now with my friends and more willing to cultivate and nurture the close relationships I have. I've noticed that when these close friends do things for me, call me, and listen to what I have to say (unlike many past friends who were a one-way street), I feel so loved and touched. That's why I know I need my friends—that I need love. Lovely writing Polly 💖

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Hi Cheryl....I can relate a little as I´m a gringo living in Mexico without close local friends. My friends in the states say I need more friends, but ya know what -- I´m satisfied with my life as is. All of us are so different and need such different things, and I think we have to honor who we are rather than trying to fit some generic mold. Good for you for doing what works for you.

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There is much that I can relate to from your writing about friendship. I have friends that I’ve had for over 20 years and at times I have struggled with walking away from all of the relationships because of my severe health issues. At times I wanted to walk away because I felt like in no way could they understand me since they hadn't experienced anything close to what I’d been through. But then I put myself in their shoes and realized to do that isn't fair to them. How could I expect them to understand something so rare? At times they showed up when I needed them most doing the best they could. My introversion doesn't help my struggle, struggle to make a phone call, struggle to answer one. You are right about what you said about texting. It seems like the coward’s way out. What you wrote is perfectly lined with my day. I am about to call one of my friends who I’ve been friends with since 1997 grieving the passing of her mother and her mother’s birthday is tomorrow. Then later after 5 pm, my friend since I was 4 years old is coming by and I haven't seen her in months. What you wrote is perfect for my day and for the rest of my days. You are right, we will never ever get it right, ever. Just when it seems that we have gotten it right, something shows up showing us that we are wrong. And I find myself forgiving myself over and over again.

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The connection between being able to have intimate, rewarding, close relationships and the ability to admit that you’re a messy, fearful, cranky, irrational, imperfect person who fucks up sometimes cannot be overstated. It always surprises me when someone cannot do this - when they’re willing to torch a friendship or strain a marriage or alienate an adult child because they can’t say “I’m sorry.” I’d love to read more of your thoughts on this someday. In the meantime, thanks as always for sharing your spot-on wisdom — and welcome reminders that life should also be fun and silly alongside all this seriousness, too.

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this is so relatable . I am currently in my early twenties and I have had a fair share of experiences with different friend groups.

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❤️🌟💃🏻👯‍♀️🤗💕🙏

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I enjoyed this a lot, and related so strongly too! Especially about having expectations that are too high of both others and myself sometimes. Thank you as always for your wisdom.

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I feel this. My closest friends are people I’ve known for 20 yrs and we barely talk and see each other. We all have kids and schedules.

I never want to feel like I’m being needy or anxious, which I’ve gotten that vibe in the past, so I just shy away and let them interact at their comfort level. I wish I had closer friendships, but it sometimes feels like everyone has found their friends at my age and don’t want new ones.

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