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Aimee Ortega's avatar

I enjoyed this interview format quite a bit and found it useful and enlightening. I'm glad the piece ended with a bit about knowing perhaps when to let go. A big hardship as a former anxious attacher who is now disorganized, is that even when I can understand that the other person is just busy and not spin a narrative out of my sad feelings, is that you're still left with the weight of your unmet need for connection. And that's hard to endure repeatedly. It can feel like you're just meant to learn how to accept and tolerate that those needs are going to to unmet. Knowing that the other person may not be shifting toward more secure functioning or be unwilling to negotiate something that works for both people to feel good is a helpful to not have grace become a sacrifice

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Emily Fata's avatar

I think attachment theory is useful but it only captures the human side of the puzzle. Many of our souls come to this planet looking for adventure and evolution and we may need to move to a big, cool city or live abroad or seek out some torrid love affairs to understand the human experience more fully. I don’t think this comes from being broken or wounded, it comes from the soul’s desire for adventure and awareness and intensity. There are people who can be completely happy staying in their hometown with a high school sweetheart, but I don’t that experience would suit everyone. I also don’t believe that people who are securely attached are unequivocally happier. Sometimes we make tradeoffs in this lifetime. You can get the secure attachment of your family and your community but you must conform to their expectations—maybe they want you to take over the family business, or become a doctor/lawyer, or marry someone from your religion/class. I am sure there are some healthy family systems where there are no strings attached to the attachment hehe, but I don’t think that is the norm. There are some repressed souls who stayed in their hometown, got the relationship, had community and family, etc. but towards the end of their life had regrets for not listening to the nudges of their own soul. I do think there is a lot of value in understanding our attachment style and I love the advice in here about how to move more towards secure attachment if that’s what you’re craving. But I think sometimes this conversation (Not this article per se) is framed as secure attachment = good and happy and insecure attachment = wounded and unhappy and I think it is so much more nuanced than that. We're all such different creatures and we require different human experiences in order to meet our soul's needs.

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