I enjoyed this interview format quite a bit and found it useful and enlightening. I'm glad the piece ended with a bit about knowing perhaps when to let go. A big hardship as a former anxious attacher who is now disorganized, is that even when I can understand that the other person is just busy and not spin a narrative out of my sad feelings, is that you're still left with the weight of your unmet need for connection. And that's hard to endure repeatedly. It can feel like you're just meant to learn how to accept and tolerate that those needs are going to to unmet. Knowing that the other person may not be shifting toward more secure functioning or be unwilling to negotiate something that works for both people to feel good is a helpful to not have grace become a sacrifice
I think attachment theory is useful but it only captures the human side of the puzzle. Many of our souls come to this planet looking for adventure and evolution and we may need to move to a big, cool city or live abroad or seek out some torrid love affairs to understand the human experience more fully. I don’t think this comes from being broken or wounded, it comes from the soul’s desire for adventure and awareness and intensity. There are people who can be completely happy staying in their hometown with a high school sweetheart, but I don’t that experience would suit everyone. I also don’t believe that people who are securely attached are unequivocally happier. Sometimes we make tradeoffs in this lifetime. You can get the secure attachment of your family and your community but you must conform to their expectations—maybe they want you to take over the family business, or become a doctor/lawyer, or marry someone from your religion/class. I am sure there are some healthy family systems where there are no strings attached to the attachment hehe, but I don’t think that is the norm. There are some repressed souls who stayed in their hometown, got the relationship, had community and family, etc. but towards the end of their life had regrets for not listening to the nudges of their own soul. I do think there is a lot of value in understanding our attachment style and I love the advice in here about how to move more towards secure attachment if that’s what you’re craving. But I think sometimes this conversation (Not this article per se) is framed as secure attachment = good and happy and insecure attachment = wounded and unhappy and I think it is so much more nuanced than that. We're all such different creatures and we require different human experiences in order to meet our soul's needs.
hmm I don't know if people outside the "big cool cities" are more likely to be securely attached, but I do think they're less likely to have access to all this language about relationships. anyway I'm not moving away from NYC to find a partner hahaha
This was really interesting, and really useful once you actually find someone who you want to attach to. It kind of reminds me a lot of this TikTok creator who is a licensed trauma therapist (@somymomsatherapist) who talks about dating a relationships a lot. One of the things she talks about a lot is that people are so wierd during initial conversations and first dates, and that the goal of those conversations and initial dates should just be to see if you can enjoy another person's company. I think a lot of the reason that people over 35 are single because they put so much pressure on first dates to determine everything. Like, how am I supposed to know if some guy from Hinge is my husband over two drinks? And I would never ask a friend of a friend at a party if he's "family-oriented" or where he sees himself in five years. I guess, in my old age (almost 40), I'm starting to realize that maybe dating is supposed to be fun and a romantic relationship is supposed be for the most part pleasurable and generative. As an avoidant--who used to be an anxious--the idea that a realtionship should feel good most of the time is sort of revolutionary.
This was really interesting, thank you! There was one piece of advice I stumbled over a bit because I've tried it and I don't think it's the whole story (for me at least!): "Insecure people transform their relationships when they just let their thoughts and feelings be there, and instead take the actions and say the words that a secure person would." This sounded to me like 'fake it till you make it', which is a strategy that actually drove my anxious self further and further into anxiety. I agree it's good to choose the secure behaviour whenever possible. But I also think it's important to be open about your struggles and e.g. to say to a partner, if necessary, "I'm actually feeling anxious right now, could you reassure me that everything is okay?"
Anyway, thank you for your always very insightful newsletter, Heather! Sending love to all my fellow insecurely attached people :-)
Speaking of getting our needs met, THIS PIECE met my needs as a thinker/feeler/Polly commenter in a way I didn't even realize was possible to get them met. Thank you! And, judging from ALL the comments that have occurred in the four hours since this was posted, it met lots of people's needs as well. Also, Tracy McMillan: how fucking inspiring that you, growing up in foster care and having to form this kind of intense anxious attachment to survive, have made your way not only to security but to this position where you offer security to others, as well. Finally, I didn't know "double-texting" was a thing. This morning I had the idea to invite three families over for an impromptu housewarming party, wrote a long text, immediately wrote another text to correct an error in that text, and then, twenty minutes later freaked out because no one wrote me back immediately. However, they're probably just having a pretty busy day, getting their needs met. :D
This was great! But I'm still perplexed over some parts. I find myself to mostly be in the secure-functioning arena but my anxious self tends to get triggered around certain people or certain situations. How would a really securely attached person respond to an extremely avoidant person? Would they not even care that much to begin with? I tend to find myself in relationships where in the beginning, the other person is very consistent in meeting my needs but over time grows distant and THIS seems to trigger my anxious self because it wants to go back to when my needs were being consistently met. Back to when I felt seen and heard. What would a secure person do in such a situation? And what if even after bringing their concerns up to their partner, things don't change?
"I think that when I’m at my worst, I have a fundamental disrespect for other people’s choices."
Damn Heather! I want to say, 'how dare you read my diary!,' but honestly this is an articulation of something I can't say I was consciously aware of until I saw the sentence staring back at me (aka right the fuck now).
A very helpful reminder the next time I'm sitting in judgement of my husband or anyone else. xo
I am an anxiously attached person who does ACT secure. It's good because I don't mess anything up in relationships...but I just wish I wouldn't be anxiously attached in the first place. It just doesn't feel good. If someone doesn't text me back, I feel devastated and sad for hours but I don't do anything about it because I know I might mess things up with the person.
this was an enlightening and interesting read for me. i've been pretty secure in my romantic relationship for a long time now, but i find myself triggered and anxious with friendships lately. it's interesting how there is a difference in the two types, for me personally.
"But weirdly, the more secure actions I’m able to take — especially in the face of the other person's insecure actions! — the more the relationship moves toward stability and contentment for both of us.
And if it doesn't move in that direction over time, then that's when you know you should let go. Because sometimes other people just aren’t meeting you where you are. "
This spoke to directly to my soul. I recently had to pull back from a work friendship, and I struggled to articulate why. These perfectly describes the situation, where the relationship never moved toward stable, despite all my efforts to make it so. Letting go was the right thing to do.
What a great interview, I'll be thinking about this one for some time. I've known for some time that I function from a place of anxious attachment. I've done a ton of work to make some progress on that, what I don't understand is how to cultivate an attraction to secure people. That would be most helpful.
I enjoyed this interview format quite a bit and found it useful and enlightening. I'm glad the piece ended with a bit about knowing perhaps when to let go. A big hardship as a former anxious attacher who is now disorganized, is that even when I can understand that the other person is just busy and not spin a narrative out of my sad feelings, is that you're still left with the weight of your unmet need for connection. And that's hard to endure repeatedly. It can feel like you're just meant to learn how to accept and tolerate that those needs are going to to unmet. Knowing that the other person may not be shifting toward more secure functioning or be unwilling to negotiate something that works for both people to feel good is a helpful to not have grace become a sacrifice
I think attachment theory is useful but it only captures the human side of the puzzle. Many of our souls come to this planet looking for adventure and evolution and we may need to move to a big, cool city or live abroad or seek out some torrid love affairs to understand the human experience more fully. I don’t think this comes from being broken or wounded, it comes from the soul’s desire for adventure and awareness and intensity. There are people who can be completely happy staying in their hometown with a high school sweetheart, but I don’t that experience would suit everyone. I also don’t believe that people who are securely attached are unequivocally happier. Sometimes we make tradeoffs in this lifetime. You can get the secure attachment of your family and your community but you must conform to their expectations—maybe they want you to take over the family business, or become a doctor/lawyer, or marry someone from your religion/class. I am sure there are some healthy family systems where there are no strings attached to the attachment hehe, but I don’t think that is the norm. There are some repressed souls who stayed in their hometown, got the relationship, had community and family, etc. but towards the end of their life had regrets for not listening to the nudges of their own soul. I do think there is a lot of value in understanding our attachment style and I love the advice in here about how to move more towards secure attachment if that’s what you’re craving. But I think sometimes this conversation (Not this article per se) is framed as secure attachment = good and happy and insecure attachment = wounded and unhappy and I think it is so much more nuanced than that. We're all such different creatures and we require different human experiences in order to meet our soul's needs.
hmm I don't know if people outside the "big cool cities" are more likely to be securely attached, but I do think they're less likely to have access to all this language about relationships. anyway I'm not moving away from NYC to find a partner hahaha
This was really interesting, and really useful once you actually find someone who you want to attach to. It kind of reminds me a lot of this TikTok creator who is a licensed trauma therapist (@somymomsatherapist) who talks about dating a relationships a lot. One of the things she talks about a lot is that people are so wierd during initial conversations and first dates, and that the goal of those conversations and initial dates should just be to see if you can enjoy another person's company. I think a lot of the reason that people over 35 are single because they put so much pressure on first dates to determine everything. Like, how am I supposed to know if some guy from Hinge is my husband over two drinks? And I would never ask a friend of a friend at a party if he's "family-oriented" or where he sees himself in five years. I guess, in my old age (almost 40), I'm starting to realize that maybe dating is supposed to be fun and a romantic relationship is supposed be for the most part pleasurable and generative. As an avoidant--who used to be an anxious--the idea that a realtionship should feel good most of the time is sort of revolutionary.
This was really interesting, thank you! There was one piece of advice I stumbled over a bit because I've tried it and I don't think it's the whole story (for me at least!): "Insecure people transform their relationships when they just let their thoughts and feelings be there, and instead take the actions and say the words that a secure person would." This sounded to me like 'fake it till you make it', which is a strategy that actually drove my anxious self further and further into anxiety. I agree it's good to choose the secure behaviour whenever possible. But I also think it's important to be open about your struggles and e.g. to say to a partner, if necessary, "I'm actually feeling anxious right now, could you reassure me that everything is okay?"
Anyway, thank you for your always very insightful newsletter, Heather! Sending love to all my fellow insecurely attached people :-)
Speaking of getting our needs met, THIS PIECE met my needs as a thinker/feeler/Polly commenter in a way I didn't even realize was possible to get them met. Thank you! And, judging from ALL the comments that have occurred in the four hours since this was posted, it met lots of people's needs as well. Also, Tracy McMillan: how fucking inspiring that you, growing up in foster care and having to form this kind of intense anxious attachment to survive, have made your way not only to security but to this position where you offer security to others, as well. Finally, I didn't know "double-texting" was a thing. This morning I had the idea to invite three families over for an impromptu housewarming party, wrote a long text, immediately wrote another text to correct an error in that text, and then, twenty minutes later freaked out because no one wrote me back immediately. However, they're probably just having a pretty busy day, getting their needs met. :D
This was great! But I'm still perplexed over some parts. I find myself to mostly be in the secure-functioning arena but my anxious self tends to get triggered around certain people or certain situations. How would a really securely attached person respond to an extremely avoidant person? Would they not even care that much to begin with? I tend to find myself in relationships where in the beginning, the other person is very consistent in meeting my needs but over time grows distant and THIS seems to trigger my anxious self because it wants to go back to when my needs were being consistently met. Back to when I felt seen and heard. What would a secure person do in such a situation? And what if even after bringing their concerns up to their partner, things don't change?
"I think that when I’m at my worst, I have a fundamental disrespect for other people’s choices."
Damn Heather! I want to say, 'how dare you read my diary!,' but honestly this is an articulation of something I can't say I was consciously aware of until I saw the sentence staring back at me (aka right the fuck now).
A very helpful reminder the next time I'm sitting in judgement of my husband or anyone else. xo
I am an anxiously attached person who does ACT secure. It's good because I don't mess anything up in relationships...but I just wish I wouldn't be anxiously attached in the first place. It just doesn't feel good. If someone doesn't text me back, I feel devastated and sad for hours but I don't do anything about it because I know I might mess things up with the person.
OMG two of my favorite writers/creators in one space? *lays down*
this was an enlightening and interesting read for me. i've been pretty secure in my romantic relationship for a long time now, but i find myself triggered and anxious with friendships lately. it's interesting how there is a difference in the two types, for me personally.
"But weirdly, the more secure actions I’m able to take — especially in the face of the other person's insecure actions! — the more the relationship moves toward stability and contentment for both of us.
And if it doesn't move in that direction over time, then that's when you know you should let go. Because sometimes other people just aren’t meeting you where you are. "
This spoke to directly to my soul. I recently had to pull back from a work friendship, and I struggled to articulate why. These perfectly describes the situation, where the relationship never moved toward stable, despite all my efforts to make it so. Letting go was the right thing to do.
What a great interview, I'll be thinking about this one for some time. I've known for some time that I function from a place of anxious attachment. I've done a ton of work to make some progress on that, what I don't understand is how to cultivate an attraction to secure people. That would be most helpful.