36 Comments

I enjoyed this interview format quite a bit and found it useful and enlightening. I'm glad the piece ended with a bit about knowing perhaps when to let go. A big hardship as a former anxious attacher who is now disorganized, is that even when I can understand that the other person is just busy and not spin a narrative out of my sad feelings, is that you're still left with the weight of your unmet need for connection. And that's hard to endure repeatedly. It can feel like you're just meant to learn how to accept and tolerate that those needs are going to to unmet. Knowing that the other person may not be shifting toward more secure functioning or be unwilling to negotiate something that works for both people to feel good is a helpful to not have grace become a sacrifice

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Whew, yeah. I'm right there with you and I go back to that place a lot, even just philosophically, because I don't love feeling like we're all meant to manage ourselves perfectly in a vacuum and ask as little as possible from each other. That said, I do find that simply noticing when my jittery, anxious machinery is set into motion helps me a lot. Because the more I notice, the more I observe that small things - hassles, stressors, frustrations - can set me into a state where I'm grinding my gears and even pointing fingers in the same ways I would when something bigger knocks me down.

Understanding that I've got oversensitive machinery, basically, makes the big picture less personal. It also clues me into the quirks of other people's strange mechanisms and gears and pulleys and how they can be set off by seemingly innocuous remarks or requests -- things that, to me, feel like friendliness or kindness or concern. When you understand that and take it to heart, the world actually feels *less* callous. Because people often act not out of a lack of concern or love or understanding, but out of their own barely conscious wiring and their own quirky mechanisms. You think you're helping but their gears are throwing off sparks.

The other thing I've learned is that I sometimes tell the story, when I'm anxious, that I need connection and help in that moment, when in fact the rest of the time I feel too busy to connect with the people who want to connect with me. So it's sometimes like I leave my bag of gold at home and go out to a street corner to ask for spare change anyway. Part of trying not to incite your anxious or disorganized side and draw from your secure systems instead relies on reflection: You sit and look at the bag of gold. You notice how you sometimes do things that CREATE the sensation that you have no gold, things that make you FEEL poor and lost and needy when you're actually completely fine.

So it helps a lot, I think, to watch how often the little pressures and also distractions and also weird incandescent longings of the day *lead you back to the street corner where you're tempted to beg for spare change*, or, to use another metaphor from this week's column, *lead you back to an empty well.* It's not as much about "Who will show up for me?" as it's about "Who does show up for me, actually?" and also "Why do I repeatedly tell myself that no one is on my side at the exact moment when I need my own support, when I need to hear *from myself* that I'm doing fine and life isn't as bad as it seems when I'm upset?"

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Aimee and Heather. This interview and your comments are my bag of gold. It’s transformative to be able to frame the inner workings of anxious attachment style this way. Also did anyone realise how hard it is to find examples of what a move towards secure functioning looks like? May I ask for more of this? Please please please!

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I think attachment theory is useful but it only captures the human side of the puzzle. Many of our souls come to this planet looking for adventure and evolution and we may need to move to a big, cool city or live abroad or seek out some torrid love affairs to understand the human experience more fully. I don’t think this comes from being broken or wounded, it comes from the soul’s desire for adventure and awareness and intensity. There are people who can be completely happy staying in their hometown with a high school sweetheart, but I don’t that experience would suit everyone. I also don’t believe that people who are securely attached are unequivocally happier. Sometimes we make tradeoffs in this lifetime. You can get the secure attachment of your family and your community but you must conform to their expectations—maybe they want you to take over the family business, or become a doctor/lawyer, or marry someone from your religion/class. I am sure there are some healthy family systems where there are no strings attached to the attachment hehe, but I don’t think that is the norm. There are some repressed souls who stayed in their hometown, got the relationship, had community and family, etc. but towards the end of their life had regrets for not listening to the nudges of their own soul. I do think there is a lot of value in understanding our attachment style and I love the advice in here about how to move more towards secure attachment if that’s what you’re craving. But I think sometimes this conversation (Not this article per se) is framed as secure attachment = good and happy and insecure attachment = wounded and unhappy and I think it is so much more nuanced than that. We're all such different creatures and we require different human experiences in order to meet our soul's needs.

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hmm I don't know if people outside the "big cool cities" are more likely to be securely attached, but I do think they're less likely to have access to all this language about relationships. anyway I'm not moving away from NYC to find a partner hahaha

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I'm in my hometown and I love it but I would also like to move to NYC immediately. So, yes! I think the ideal is to split your time between city and country AND secure and insecure. I would also like to be half single and half married, while we're at it.

And look, one of the reasons the city works for me is that I love the sorts of hungry, restless, ambivalent people who live there -- I consider them uniquely qualified to tolerate my conflicted soul! So all of this stuff *always* goes back to noticing what you enjoy and whether or not your behavior patterns are standing in the way of your enjoyment.

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right! I just can't imagine looking at the culture of my suburban hometown as anything but extremely avoidant -_-

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This was really interesting, and really useful once you actually find someone who you want to attach to. It kind of reminds me a lot of this TikTok creator who is a licensed trauma therapist (@somymomsatherapist) who talks about dating a relationships a lot. One of the things she talks about a lot is that people are so wierd during initial conversations and first dates, and that the goal of those conversations and initial dates should just be to see if you can enjoy another person's company. I think a lot of the reason that people over 35 are single because they put so much pressure on first dates to determine everything. Like, how am I supposed to know if some guy from Hinge is my husband over two drinks? And I would never ask a friend of a friend at a party if he's "family-oriented" or where he sees himself in five years. I guess, in my old age (almost 40), I'm starting to realize that maybe dating is supposed to be fun and a romantic relationship is supposed be for the most part pleasurable and generative. As an avoidant--who used to be an anxious--the idea that a realtionship should feel good most of the time is sort of revolutionary.

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This was really interesting, thank you! There was one piece of advice I stumbled over a bit because I've tried it and I don't think it's the whole story (for me at least!): "Insecure people transform their relationships when they just let their thoughts and feelings be there, and instead take the actions and say the words that a secure person would." This sounded to me like 'fake it till you make it', which is a strategy that actually drove my anxious self further and further into anxiety. I agree it's good to choose the secure behaviour whenever possible. But I also think it's important to be open about your struggles and e.g. to say to a partner, if necessary, "I'm actually feeling anxious right now, could you reassure me that everything is okay?"

Anyway, thank you for your always very insightful newsletter, Heather! Sending love to all my fellow insecurely attached people :-)

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Tracy probably has her own angle and response for this, but for me, it's less about pretending than it is about expressing the truth of who you are and what you feel in a secure way that acknowledges the other person's boundaries and needs (and their freedom and autonomy). It's less about HERE'S HOW IT'S GOING TO HAVE TO BE and more about HERE'S WHAT I LIKE or HERE'S WHAT WORKS FOR ME. I think that for me personally, once I started to say "I'm like this but that might not be your thing and that's fine! No harm no foul!" there was a shift in how I connected with people. I didn't present myself as a person who might have to change you if you didn't serve me -- like you're a broken appliance and I'm here to fix you so you do my bidding. Instead, it was just LET'S SEE IF THIS WORKS and also LET'S SEE IF THIS IS FUN and also LET'S TELL THE TRUTH and also LET'S BE HONEST ABOUT OUR NEEDS WITHOUT STIGMATIZING THEM.

Generalizing makes it all sound so simple, and it's not always so simple. But loosening your grip on what you believe you should be "getting" from a person tends to open the windows and let in a lot of air.

There's also something to be said for honoring and enjoying another person's flaws and quirks and weird needs, but that's a subject for another time. I will just say that even flaws and weaknesses can be enjoyed if you truly honor and accept someone from top to bottom. But being able to do that goes back to not acting out of an anxious, jittery place and instead, reaching for your more secure, more calm self, the one that loves other people for exactly who they are (and the one that loves herself for who she is, too).

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I basically just transcribed this entire reply into my diary. This X 1000.

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Thank you!

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Thanks for saying that, Hannah! I tripped over that, too - it seemed to me to be the kind of behaviour that might leave the anxious-attacher feeling like her needs are never getting met, and also like she's not being honest about what she's really feeling, and so not really "showing up" in the relationship. I don't think it's a good idea to repeatedly ask someone, particularly not an avoidant! for reassurance, but letting them know, "I realize this isn't necessarily your fault, but I get insecure when X happens", seems good for both parties.

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I agree! :-)

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I am anxious in many ways and I read one book about anxiety where the whole point was "don't give in to it". If you take anxiety-driven action (e.g. to protect yourself from some fear, or ask for reassurance), it only makes the anxiety worse. That's the theory. It sounds good to me, but how does it work in practice?

"Just say no to anxiety"? Did not work for me, and made me feel worse about myself when it didn't work.

Maybe I'm just arguing for my limitations, but ever since reading about PTSD (The Body Keeps the Score), I have given myself permission to have trauma from my seriously damaging childhood and to need help/time to heal from it. All that self-help stuff that smacks of "just choose happiness" pisses me off. I have a friend who is now texting me stuff like that and it seems like passive aggressive "help" where the subtext is "why can't you just get your shit together like me, or at least stop your whining." Do I tell her I don't enjoy that kind of self-help or just try to learn how to let it flow through my cellphone without reacting to it?

Anyway, perhaps that is not what was meant here. It is quite possible I am reacting to things that were not intended. I am happy that people can get help in whatever way they can! I just don't want people to feel bad if they are not able to talk themselves out of anxious attachment easily.

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I absolutely read that as “fake it til you make it” but with a small twist of “feel and acknowledge your REAL feelings but do/say the better choice so you don’t trigger them” which, duh, I’m anxiously attached. Just this weekend I had my anxiousness triggered and I kind of sat with it diarying “I know he likes me but his feeling overwhelmed by work has made me feel insecure” and I knew it had nothing at all to do with me yet still felt it. So I played Cool Girl and gave him space and when we talk in person next I’ll share how he actually mitigated my anxiety by being clear that his stress was about work not me.

Both Tracy and Heather skipped over what disorganized attachment is but I’ll look it up, I wonder if I’ve progressed to that?

Anyway, I co-sign every trembling word of gratitude and praise in the comments!

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Speaking of getting our needs met, THIS PIECE met my needs as a thinker/feeler/Polly commenter in a way I didn't even realize was possible to get them met. Thank you! And, judging from ALL the comments that have occurred in the four hours since this was posted, it met lots of people's needs as well. Also, Tracy McMillan: how fucking inspiring that you, growing up in foster care and having to form this kind of intense anxious attachment to survive, have made your way not only to security but to this position where you offer security to others, as well. Finally, I didn't know "double-texting" was a thing. This morning I had the idea to invite three families over for an impromptu housewarming party, wrote a long text, immediately wrote another text to correct an error in that text, and then, twenty minutes later freaked out because no one wrote me back immediately. However, they're probably just having a pretty busy day, getting their needs met. :D

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This was great! But I'm still perplexed over some parts. I find myself to mostly be in the secure-functioning arena but my anxious self tends to get triggered around certain people or certain situations. How would a really securely attached person respond to an extremely avoidant person? Would they not even care that much to begin with? I tend to find myself in relationships where in the beginning, the other person is very consistent in meeting my needs but over time grows distant and THIS seems to trigger my anxious self because it wants to go back to when my needs were being consistently met. Back to when I felt seen and heard. What would a secure person do in such a situation? And what if even after bringing their concerns up to their partner, things don't change?

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I have the same issue. I feel like I’m much more conscious of my attachment style since reading up on them about a decade ago, and, in the past few years, trying to be supremely patient since I tend towards disorganized attachment. I keep thinking I’ve found men who will be consistent and securely-attached, and no matter how I conduct myself (doing yoga, journaling, hanging with friends when I feel triggered so I don’t act from a insecure place), the men tend to pull away sooner or later and it all just feels like an impossible puzzle. I was talking to a friend the other day who said he somehow always had a sixth sense for women in need, and he kept thinking he’d “finally” found one who’s confident only to have each one fall apart on him and demand to be saved a few dates in. I can’t help feeling like despite my best intentions, it’s just a subconscious pattern I can’t be rid of. It also feels shameful to not have a partner at my big age. Like she said, the securely-attached around me must be so baffled and think me defective. It’s embarrassing. : /

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There's nothing embarrassing about insecure attachment. Most of my friends are anxious, avoidant, or disorganized because I like intense people and that's them. If anything, I tend to find myself talking to someone interesting and then discover OH, YOU'RE SECURE! It's more of an anomaly.

When your friend says these women "demand to saved," that feels like a key point -- and this goes back to what another reader was asking, regarding "Do I really have to hide who I am or pretend?" A person can be confident AND tend to be anxious AND ask for what they need openly instead of demanding or requiring salvation. I'm extremely upfront about my preferences and needs, and becoming more secure has only made me more casually comfortable with expressing myself, to new friends and old. Being direct should not be a liability at all. And honestly, you don't want the dudes who can't tell the difference between directly stating who you are and what you want and demanding to be saved.

Now, I recognize that plenty of people *do* demand to be saved. I mean, I see it all the time. But it's important not to let someone's casual assessment of what he sees lead you to believe that your simple assertion of your needs or preferences is somehow a liability. A smart man knows that a confident woman asks for what she wants. She doesn't hide her true needs and then spring them on him down the road. She's straightforward about who she is and how she is.

When a man views these things as demanding or needy, that's his issue. Suffice it to say that you energy is best spent elsewhere.

It's hard, but the goal here is to recognize patterns without pegging yourself as broken. These terms are really about understanding what shoves you off balance and how you can get your balance back. It's about finding ways to stand up for your needs and trust yourself. I totally get the "I'm defective" phase -- I lived there for a while. The more I allow space for how I am without blaming myself for it, the more generous and easy going I am with other people. Likewise, it's exceedingly difficult to quell your insecurities if you believe there's something deeply shameful or wrong with you.

These issues are as common as mud! Look around and you'll see. Just make sure to tell accurate stories about yourself and others, because most people's storytelling is reductive and merciless, and when you're brutal with your own story, you tend to tell brutal stories about other people and the world, too. Nothing makes you more compassionate with others than forgiving yourself for being who you are and accepting and loving that person, flaws and all.

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Just to clarify: my friend is one of the most excellent people I know. He's been married for a bunch of years to a badass former-ballerina-turned-vet. The other day, we were discussing how our childhood environments predisposed us to have these invisible antennae for certain types of people: me, for charming people who aren't emotionally present and quickly withdraw affection; him, for women who activate his "care taking" impulse. He knows that he has a little too much of a tendency to manage the problems of people around him to his own detriment.

And when it comes to shame -- it's ironic because I know that pretty much all my single friends are fly as hell. I don't judge them at all for their singleness. It's just that shaming comments from family and "friends" activate that response in me, and I'm trying to manage that. And of course, all the societal narratives of single women "past a certain age" are rather damning even if they're completely off-base. I do try to be gentle with myself day-to-day despite all of that judgment, so I can extend that gentleness with others, but society does generally cast a more respectful eye on people who are married, so that's a real thing.

Gonna read this interview a couple more times, as there are such gems in it. Loved her line about how capitalism likes you cut off from your social bonds. And as she said -- whatever progress I have made has come from managing my behavior, since I can't manage my thoughts. And that's felt freeing, even if it hasn't all fully "worked out" for me yet with a loving partnership. We'll see.

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While believing that your friend is awesome, I also want to cast a little side-eye on his actions here... because couldn't he have also said to these women, "I think you're asking me to save you, and I'm not going to do that"? If he either got drawn in and started "saving" them or immediately got up and left rather than lovingly setting a boundary, that's his own insecure action. I also, while loving this whole piece, feel that McMillan's framing here was a little too much like "being single past *a certain age* means you're doing something wrong." I think someone can be secure in their behavior and be a great catch and just not be partnered, even when they want to or hope to be partnered, and it's not necessarily a circumstance that is *wrong.*

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I didn’t say anything about his actions. He had a few serious relationships, including an engagement (which the woman broke off, to everyone’s relief, because no one liked her), before marrying his current partner. He is well aware of his habit of over-extending himself to help others. I don’t recall him hurting anyone badly; he was mostly, if anything, acting in a detrimental way to himself. He still catches himself when he wants to swoop in and rescue people — these days, that’d be friends and family and his wife. All anyone can do is be aware of their weaknesses…

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Ah, yes, that makes sense!

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Hi SC, big love to you! You are not defective :'( we are not defective! I really resonate with what you wrote - that sometimes, no matter how hard we try to stay grounded and guard our needy hearts by rewiring our thoughts, the people we date can eventually sorta sense our neediness. But it also got me thinking, maybe the people we we are seeing, while they may come across as securely attached in the beginning, they are actually in fact emotionally unavailable? Because i think neediness would not drive an emotionally available person, or atleast I'd like to think so. Anyway I think that in the first couple of dates, it's all about the exhilaration of the chase and the vision of what-could-be. Once reality settles, I think it takes a certain mindset as well as level of maturity and intention to want a build a relationship with someone and I think not a lot of people are prepared for that. And so they pull away once they realise that it's becoming serious. And it's not because of anything defective with us. Either the people we date are not ready/dont realise that they're not ready to enter into a relationship OR they're emotionally unavailable. I know it's hard to keep one's spirits up; I've had this happen to me recently, twice. Sometimes i wonder why a good thing had to crash and burn. But then i console myself by telling myself that it didn't work out for a reason (does the reason really matter if they didn't want to be with me?i think not) and the sooner it'd ended the better for me to move on. And maybe it was a good thing. But maybe it was a temporary good thing: an experience where i got to learn more about myself and about another individual. I don't have to look it as a failure. Just a sweet, short, memory.

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"I think that when I’m at my worst, I have a fundamental disrespect for other people’s choices."

Damn Heather! I want to say, 'how dare you read my diary!,' but honestly this is an articulation of something I can't say I was consciously aware of until I saw the sentence staring back at me (aka right the fuck now).

A very helpful reminder the next time I'm sitting in judgement of my husband or anyone else. xo

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Thank you! I felt embarrassed as I was typing that one, but I feel like it's my DUTY (too grandiose?) to admit these things, because it's so much easier to recognize this stuff when someone else expresses it about themselves. I've been under a lot of stress this year and I've noticed, so many times, how stress makes me disrespectful of other people's limits. It's a hard thing to look at, but it's necessary. And honestly, it just feels good to see it, because then I can say to myself: "We're all free here. No one needs to be forced into becoming a new person. We can all just be our strange flawed selves and fuck shit up in the old ways and everything will still work out just fine. Put away your impossible standards and expectations and just let the people around you be who they are."

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Polly, I love that you have this DUTY. I feel that I similarly have this DUTY, I realize, but it wasn't until this exchange with Erin that I realize I was not admitting to myself my DUTY.

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My gal pals and I all characterized what kind of ghost we would be after we died and I’m Judgy Ghost and this photorealistic depiction of me by Heather made me squee at being seen and cringe at being found out.

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This is so great, but also (as the daughter of an anxious attacher) sad, because it helps me see how my choices / needs that are a bit avoidant are not seen as valid.

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I am an anxiously attached person who does ACT secure. It's good because I don't mess anything up in relationships...but I just wish I wouldn't be anxiously attached in the first place. It just doesn't feel good. If someone doesn't text me back, I feel devastated and sad for hours but I don't do anything about it because I know I might mess things up with the person.

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OMG two of my favorite writers/creators in one space? *lays down*

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this was an enlightening and interesting read for me. i've been pretty secure in my romantic relationship for a long time now, but i find myself triggered and anxious with friendships lately. it's interesting how there is a difference in the two types, for me personally.

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I'm also secure in my romantic relationship and triggered and anxious in some new friendships (not old ones, anymore!). When I notice I'm sort of spinning my wheels about a friend I try to just back up and say "this will feel completely different in a few days." And it's always true. I'm also avoidant with some of my anxious friends (which I didn't notice for a long time) so I look at how I feel when I'm cornered or confronted by a more anxious friend and I try to consider that but also cultivate compassion for all the different ways of being a friend.

ALSO!! I think that when you're secure in your primary love relationship, it gives you more freedom to befriend all kinds of people you might not have felt safe with before -- people with strong opinions, people with needs that they're willing to voice, people who ignore you mostly because they're very very busy and successful, people who give you exactly what you need in ways that remind you that you're a little less able to show up than they are, etc etc. And I think that's how it should be. You should be able to savor a wide range of humans and notice how different they are from you without taking everything personally. That's what helps you grow and accept yourself and connect. BUT OF COURSE IT COMES WITH STRESS. Because it's all new! And challenging!

Putting stress on yourself can be fine, even when it's uncomfortable, if you understand some of the mechanisms involved and you enjoy learning more about who you are, even when what you're learning can be disappointing or disheartening at first. It's all a way of making space for new things to grow, a way of breathing new life into your life, a way of feeling more alive and inspired and forgiving and free. Gently pushing your own limits without shoving yourself into a state of overload or terror is... kind of what it's all about, really? When you feel up for it.

When you don't? Retreat to safety and be good to yourself. I mean, I was there for maybe three months and I just got back? It's all about noticing and adjusting and being patient with yourself.

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"But weirdly, the more secure actions I’m able to take — especially in the face of the other person's insecure actions! — the more the relationship moves toward stability and contentment for both of us.

And if it doesn't move in that direction over time, then that's when you know you should let go. Because sometimes other people just aren’t meeting you where you are. "

This spoke to directly to my soul. I recently had to pull back from a work friendship, and I struggled to articulate why. These perfectly describes the situation, where the relationship never moved toward stable, despite all my efforts to make it so. Letting go was the right thing to do.

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What a great interview, I'll be thinking about this one for some time. I've known for some time that I function from a place of anxious attachment. I've done a ton of work to make some progress on that, what I don't understand is how to cultivate an attraction to secure people. That would be most helpful.

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