72 Comments

I’m 80 now and lived my small life, following a path I couldn’t quite see ahead, and have always been lucky to have a little-or a lot more-than enough. I just had to have whatever amount of freedom I could pay for. The beauty was free. And you’re SO RIGHT: this is the most luminous time of my life. Thank you for saying that

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I love your comment! I’m just shy of 40 and have mostly lived my life not knowing what’s ahead more than about six inches, but have almost always been blessed with enough, or a surfeit. Glad to read a comment from someone older who has lived this way.

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Agree!

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So much wisdom here, Substack is amazing 🧡

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Go Unlimited, go, go, go!!! You sound like the type of person that will never regret nerding the fuck out for a few years and learning as much as you can about learning itself and ideas (I am that type of person). You can get a PhD and try academia and if it doesn’t work, do something else with your talent and skills. Don’t confuse your vocation or your true self—which is an intellectual, a perpetually curious person—with a job. They can be related or even the same for some of us. But they need not be. So, go go go!!

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PS: And when or if, in the course of the PhD program you find yourself surrounded by people who love to complain they are in a PhD program, get out from under there, get a therapist, keep a bestie that like you knows how to feel glad, and remember the dream you dreamed, remember HK, keep that at the center.

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Very wise words. You can be nerdy and curious and keep on learning in many ways. Keep an open heart and let a path unfold for you.

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I love this. Polly, are you writing a book about art and creativity yet? Each time you write a column about what it means to be an artist/believer I feel newly alive. I was just sitting here at my desk wondering how on earth I was going to get anything worthwhile done today, I felt so blah, but now I feel like I can.

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Thank you, it's so good to hear this!

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This ❤️

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Polly's advice is lovely. I also want to add one thing from someone in their 40s - this isn't a single choice! Life isn't set up such that if you don't perfectly follow your dreams NOW you never can or if you DO follow your dreams you can't possibly make different decisions in the future. There are options and choices everywhere you turn - no one can tell you your right path, the right balance between desires and you don't choose once - you are ALWAYS choosing.

For example - perhaps I've turned my back on "dreams" twice - I considered leaving my academic undergrad to pursue music (but didn't) and then I spent a year in grad school to pursue academics but left for the "normal" work world.

Yet I also had multiple times when I could have "gone back" after having the more "stable job" and made a personal choice not to! I've also made choices that let me pursue some passions - just this weekend I performed in my 20th musical / play.

I think having this more expansive view of your life's timeline will help you envision a fuller life versus feeling that what is happening right now is your entire future. I know it's hard when you're younger - certainly it's something I struggled with.

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This is such an important addition! When you are in your 20’s you may feel you are setting your little engine on a track that you will be stuck on until you are elderly. Not true! You’re putting your little boat out to sea. Chart a course, try a thing, learn how that goes and feels, then stay on course or switch. I’ve followed my inclinations in several directions over the decades: toward academic pursuits, toward staying home with my small and growing brood of children, toward a demanding professional career, toward a less-demanding professional career. You may find you can live in a magical world of rich intellectual freedom that makes up for the financial uncertainty you might (or might not!) experience as part of that life. You may grow disenchanted with academia and move toward a different enchantment. And then another. Take to the seas!

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Great response. I’m so pleased Unlimited got to have their HK experience too. Living abroad expanded my brain, my worldview but critically my self-confidence. If you have the opportunity to do it again, take it. Or go find it. Sometimes you have to get away from home and what’s ‘expected of you’ to discover who you really are — and what you’re capable of. I guarantee it’s more than you think.

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Emma, agree with you—Living abroad really can be transformative indeed!

May I ask what was the most surprising thing you learned about yourself during your time living abroad? 🤔

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Hey Sol, sorry for the delay I somehow missed this in the notifications feed. Biggest learning: the world doesn’t revolve around me & my point of view. I think we underestimate how much we are conditioned to think of wherever we live / are from as the centre of the universe even if it’s very unconscious. Moving from the UK to a country I knew little about (Singapore - is that where you’re from?) was a huge eye opener for me, I literally felt my brain expand. I wrote on this & a few other reasons just a few weeks ago if you want to read more. Cheers

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All good Emma!

That’s such a valuable insight—realizing that our perspective is just one of many can be so humbling. Moving to a new country really does expand your understanding, and it’s like discovering that the world is much bigger and more diverse than you ever imagined. Yes, I'm from Singapore, and it must have been a fascinating place to experience that shift!

Thank you for sharing your POV, Emma :))

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As an academic who found out too late that I could be what I really wanted to be - a writer- please take Polly’s advice. I took so much bad advice because I had no confidence in myself. If you can’t have confidence, make your passion your guide. I probably shouldn’t offer advice, having said that - but if there’s any job in HK that you can do and not hate, try it out. You don’t have a mortgage or kids, so now is the time to try things out! I wish you all the luck in the world.

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My only word of advice would be to make sure you do not have to pay tuition in your PhD program, and do not go into debt. Luckily PhD programs in Europe are very different from the US in that you often basically get paid to be there. They advertise PhD student positions like jobs, in particular areas. European PhDs also seem to take less time to complete than American programs. In the US, it's also possible to do it for basically free but you need to get into a program that will provide you will a full fellowship. It sounds like you definitely have the capability to get one, so don't sell yourself short!

Also suggest checking out Versatile PhD for info on how people have made their way outside of academia. Go for your dreams!...but it is indeed wise to have a Plan B these days if you are an academic without a trust fund or wealthy spouse/family. (And the Plan B does NOT mean a life of adjunct hell!) Also keep in mind that training to be an academic is training for a *profession.* It's easy to glamorize that life but it's also work and a job like anything else. (As my PhD advisor once told me, it's like becoming a dentist.) Definitely not trying to be a buzz kill! but believe me, I have been in your shoes, and in the end I was deeply grateful for my ability to pivot and be flexible about how I was going to use my academic training. (And I do use it, every day, even though I am not a professor.) I also think the world is more open to "versatile PhDs" than they were 10 years ago, so you might be heading into that arena in a very interesting and productive time.

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I think it's a good idea to remind people (young ones especially) that even "living your dream" is just... living every day. I don't think of that as a buzzkill, just a helpful reminder when you're visualizing the future you don't usually include taking out the trash every week haha. And when your expectations of what real life will feel like on the day to day get too gauzey, you'll miss all the joy and beauty that happens in the small boring lives of the world.

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You can even co-partner with the universe and determine: if I get a full scholarship, I'll do it. If not, that means there's another path for my desire to read, think, learn. A lot of people go into PhD with absolutely no realistic idea about what actually comes next. So it's also good to dream a little with some inside info at hand about what that is. Reading Times Higher for 3 months will give you a glimpse into the realities of that world.

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A quote that has been my life’s mantra, and that seems applicable here as well: “How often I found where I should be going only by setting out for somewhere else.” (R. Buckminster Fuller)

Hold your hopes and dreams tight, and each step will lead to the next and to the next, and before you know it you’ll look back and be amazed at the winding journey that led you to exactly where you need to be.

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Thank you, this was for me. :)

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I also have immigrant parents, so I relate about not having healthy communication and secrets and all that. And the idea of security - to do something that gives you financial security is drilled into our heads. So guess what! I got the mundane government job 😂 (in Toronto) It's fine though. I started at age 29, not 24 - maybe that makes a difference because after undergrad I also moved back home, mainly because I didn't know what to do with my life. I also did a masters but I wasn't so into academia. Then I did some short term contracts and then applied to the internship program in government and have been there ever since, doing different things. Living with your immigrant parents who expected more of you, and who don't quite understand life as a second gen person, will certainly stifle you. I think that's part of your issue. In HK you were on your own, you were talking ideas with your professors, experiencing a new part of the world. And honestly, those undergrad days where it was all about new experiences and meeting people and not having to worry TOO much about adulting - we're never going to get that experience back. Even if we do a second undergrad. Even if we do a master's. There's nothing quite like leaving your parents' home for the first time, on the cusp of adulthood, experiencing that with thousands of people in the same boat.

So you need to transform all that you experienced into somehow carving out a life path for yourself that will have those things. That's the hard part. That's the part that I never quite mastered, because of lack of confidence, self-limiting beliefs, childhood trauma, etc. I don't have a bad life now by any means, but I wasn't able to translate what I experienced into carving out my own life. You don't really learn how to do those things, and our immigrant parents don't teach us either - while they were able to pick up and move and immigrate, their main goal was security and wanting a better life. Your goal is different. Like I said, that undergrad experience you're never gonna have again. You can't sign up for a study exchange and you go and you meet tons of people and have it all paid. Now you have to organize that yourself and it just isn't the same. So maybe you start your masters and you get funding to go somewhere and undertake research. See? Not the same as applying for a year abroad. But that doesn't mean you can't have big life experiences like that again. It'll just be a little different. There are also visas that you can get as an under 30 year old to work abroad so maybe look into that too.

You're starting your masters in September. I don't know when you wrote your letter but that's only a month away now. You've had a year of living at home and working for the gov so it's completely understandable that you feel stifled and you miss your year in HK. Will you be living at home as you do your masters, maybe to save money? If so, I'd look into trying to travel as much as you can while you do your masters and meet other academics. E.g. on breaks, doing field study somewhere else.

You absolutely CAN be an academic that inspires undergraduates to do the same - so many people are doing it. So why not you? Because of money? Then you have to get financially savvy and learn about money. Maybe have a look at Ramit Sethi's work. Maybe make personal finance your hobby. Also have a look at this site about life in academia: https://theprofessorisin.com/

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May we never lose the childlike wander to dream all the big dreams and believe in them, too. May we not let those who've given up on their dreams, and therefore, salty, infect our well of dreams with their negativity - which in truth is just regret. May we forever dream, believing that just as expansive as the sky is, so is our ability to dream and that's a beautiful thing. 🥰

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Just came back from a 1 month solo trip from Europe and as I read this, I felt so stirred. I can definitely understand Unlimited's feelings. I'm so grateful for her experiences. And so stirred by Polly's answer.

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Go find it again. Dont stay tied to unhappy to family and old stories and problems.

Create and take opportunities, build connections with kind, generous people who enjoy your happiness.

Make your own expectations and feel wonder often. Wishing you all the best in your exploring and enjoying.

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"You are someone who needs dreams more than you need nice things."

That right there.

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Deeply obsessed with this, as always. This column has sustained me time and time again, throughout so many seasons of my life - and today is no different. Here's to the dreamers.

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I completely agree with Polly. Life may find ways to stifle you - or not - but there's no point in beating it to the punch and stifling yourself before you have even got started. If you give your dreams your best shot while you can, that brings its own satisfaction, AND you get used to living life expansively - which will set up mental habits that will carry you even if you do end up having to compromise.

I chased the academic dream knowing that it was a little like dreaming of winning the lottery. You do have to be realistic. But I am living proof that you can make it.

Just a few things, in the interest of realism: make it your aim to publish some stuff in academic journals as early as possible; maybe find a mentor who will guide you through this; and consider a public-facing outlet for your work, such as a podcast, YouTube channel, magazine column, etc which will break down the specifics of your field for a general audience and might lead to some good opportunities. Nothing is guaranteed in life but I can see that you need to do this. Good luck!!!

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