Thank you for this -- it's a really great reminder that one never heals from a wound by focusing on the agent that caused it, but on tending the injury itself, i.e. if somebody stabs you, tending to the knife will never stop the bleeding. I've been working on letting go of old stories.
I believed in a "carrot man" who stood outside my window. The childhood fears of the carrot man and ghosts were recurring nightmares for decades. I've never felt safe. But as an adult in therapy, I realized he was real and that I hid in the bathroom to protect myself because it was the only room without windows and my parents weren't going to protect me. Now that I have cancer and a death-and-dying therapist, who has helped untangle ALL of it, I'm learning to admire the resilience and survival skills I had as a child. The "stories" don't stand up, but I found a way to fight what I didn't understand, and I need that will to live and fight
1. When I was a teenager: my dad just expresses his love through supporting the family financially and making money. That's fine and just as good as a dad who's present. (My dad was an ER doctor, which meant he had insane schedules and often missed family vacations, holidays, soccer games, dinner every night, etc. etc. Read on for how that turned out.)
2. No one will ever really understand me. The gulf between me and other people is too big to even try crossing. (As a gay kid with two mentally ill parents, an alcoholic father who took off when I was 15 and who I haven't seen in years, and a mother in crisis left behind, I had to keep, and still keep, a lot of secrets. It's very hard for me to let my guard down or be honest. I frequently get relegated to the "introverted listener role" in friendships with talkative people who are self-absorbed or kind but not able to pick up on many social cues, because I have no idea how to talk about myself or family, and those are the people who don't notice / don't care.)
3. You're just bad at being vulnerable. You have to try being more vulnerable if you want to connect with other people and make better friends. (Looking back, I did try to be vulnerable with friends throughout college, and it backfired-- again, see the type of people attracted to spending time with me in the first place. Realistically, a lot of people do not care enough to hear about your insane family lore, especially when they started being friends with you because you were the only one who would listen to them about their insane family lore. I put the onus on myself to just *muscle through* into emotional intimacy and take up more space, but vulnerability is not an individual practice, it is a social and shared one. My friends who ignored me when I tried to share things about my life were not being good friends. I wasn't asking for too much, or not trying hard enough.)
I must fit in to be loved --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe I must be my true self to be loved, and hated and anything in between, I am in full acceptance of my true self, and that is higher than anyone's approval
I must strive to be perfect --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe I must strive for things that rtuly matter to me
I must only hang out with people who are perfect --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe I must be where I am and when I cross paths with others, it is my opportunity to be my true self and allow them to be their true selves, to accept everyone who I meet as someone who is reflecting something about myself
I must make a world away from everything I know --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe I must make a world in the reality of what is
It's not okay to be me (my true self) --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe I cannot be anyone else except my true self, and I accept all the consequences of being my true self (it's worth standing up for)
It's not okay to pursue things other's deem frivolous - such as creativity --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe I must pursue things that call out my name, such as Creativity
It's not okay to be different --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe it's okay to be me
I struggle because I am not good --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe I struggle because it's a part of life sometimes, it's alright, and it's important to remember it's not all struggle
Success is when everyone's happy with you --> --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe success is when I am happy with myself, in integrity with myself
I must do as others do - I must learn from my elders --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe that the answers are not outside of me
It's rude to voice my opinions and concerns--> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe my voice belongs here and it's a gift to use it for the highest good
It's disrespectful to ask questions or challenge the status quo in any way --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe it's neccessary to ask questions or challenge the status quo if it will be helpful in anyway
Know your place (it's the one that others have given you) --> --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe it's okay not to know my place, and have the freedom to find it (it's always the one that brings be most peace)
Smile to make everyone else comfortable --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe it's my face, and I can choose whatever expression I feel like adorning at any moment.
When I was a kid, I was anxious and tended to overthink. When I would out-perform my brothers on tests, it became a family joke to say "If she weren't so neurotic, everyone would have to hate her." I swear, it felt like a joke, until it didn't. I realized at some point in my 20's that I was finding it really hard to break out of anxious thought patterns because some part of me wholly believed that neuroticism was the tax I needed to pay for finding both success *and* love as a woman. Not a useful story—didn't serve me well as a kid, definitely has hampered my relationships as an adult. I married someone who doesn't need or want me to pay the anxiety tax in order to be loved, but damn does it feel almost impossible to stop doing it.
As an explorer of authentic relating, presence, connection, and self discovery, I love this invitation! It’s very timely as I’m exploring this in my journaling practice as well.
Stories:
1. Everyone else gets love, connection, and touch, and whatever they want. Everyone else gets their needs and wants met. I don’t get that.
2. I don’t exist. Not really.
3. I don’t matter. If I hurt, or bleed, if I feel pain, it’s not important, and nobody will help me or be with me in it, and nobody wants to. I’m expandable.
4. I have to choose between being true to myself and connecting with others.
I think all of these have surfaced in adulthood, and I can tell as I write them, which still feel painful in me.
Those stories both draw me closer to others and keep me distant. As a result of being aware of them, and wanting to heal them, I’ve gone towards different approaches like authentic relating, presence practices, somatic therapy practices, bodywork, and energetics, and trained in a number of different modalities and incorporated a lot in my own practice, whilst also working as a coach and facilitator with others. I think it’s a case of the wound being the place that light can enter us.
It’s also been a case of: I think there’s something wrong with me, that I’m constantly striving to fix. And I’ve just recently, in the last few years, relaxed more into the idea that I’m actually okay, just as I am, and that whilst I have these stories, it’s because I experienced some serious trauma and neglect as a child, and didn’t have a choice or agency in the matter, and to let myself grieve this. Realizing that I already am (and always was) whole and complete in and of myself.
On the rougher days, I’m fleeing for my blanket fort, and my favorite TV show. 😂 Otherwise, I’m alive in the world, and appreciating the magic of life, and that’s amazing. (And sometimes it still feels like striving, and I just get to notice and be present with that.)
>> Do your stories bring you comfort when you feel rejected?
Yes! They have in the past and on occasion, still do. It’s a constant waking up to how this works in me, and being with myself in this with compassion and understanding.
>> Do they make you feel more capable and more resilient?
Yep. ‘If I don’t matter, and it doesn’t matter if I feel pain temporarily, I can do a lot and face a lot that other people might not be able to.’ That was my thinking and approach for a number of years. It took me years to see how I was really relating to myself through this, and how through this belief, I was hurting myself. However, I also was more resilient and capable, so both were true!
I stayed with the tension between the opposites, and I think the biggest breakthrough around this came recently when I admitted to myself that I should never have needed to be that capable. I shouldn’t ever have needed to be the one handling situations I handled, and that my parents were supposed to protect me and didn’t, so I became my own protector to survive. And I became the one who’d stand up for others as well.
In honoring this, I realized I actually love that part of me. She’s incredibly strong and resilient, and deeply cares about me and about others. It’s become about honoring all of the parts of myself, and inviting all of me to the table.
I am the best thing that has happened and will ever happen to me.
1. I continue to have experiences that reliably support the above beliefs. I have a hard time building trusting relationships with people. I am very cautious and watchful of people and tread (noticeably) slowly. This way has helped me decide for each moment and situation when I should stick around a bit more or jump ship.
2. These beliefs keep me isolated from people AND help me maintain an unperturbed sense of self that I haven't had before. I feel more attuned to myself than ever before. I trust myself to handle situations with more integrity and authenticity because I can peacefully choose who I want to be in each moment. Honestly, distance helps me stay inside myself and feel all my emotions and learn more deeply about different parts of me. I'll sometimes share my logic/thoughts with people but I still refuse to share my feelings with people.
3. I wouldn't say I feel comforted by these beliefs. They just exist. They just continue to confirm themselves even without me projecting them. They will always remain somewhat concretized as long as I have to participate in a White Patriarchal Individualist Capitalist society.
Human Connection is so momentary and fleeting that I am starting to not believe it is NOT worth all the hype everyone gives it. It is so hard to be human with other humans.
My child hood story is a rather dramatic story I suffered a subarachnoid hemorrhage on the left side of my brain at the age of 15 and still have residual paralysis on my right side. I have talked about this very unusual accident to any one who wants to hear about it. Nothing, I repeat nothing can prevent you from becoming what you want in this life…only yourself. I have attained a PhD, two beautiful daughters and am active in sports at the age of soon to be 70. I was told back when I had my accident that I would never walk again and that I would have to settle on some menial job. My comeback was tough but I had the support of good mother and father . So long as you have your health….you can do anything. Thank you for letting me go over my childhood memory .
Thank you for this -- it's a really great reminder that one never heals from a wound by focusing on the agent that caused it, but on tending the injury itself, i.e. if somebody stabs you, tending to the knife will never stop the bleeding. I've been working on letting go of old stories.
I believed in a "carrot man" who stood outside my window. The childhood fears of the carrot man and ghosts were recurring nightmares for decades. I've never felt safe. But as an adult in therapy, I realized he was real and that I hid in the bathroom to protect myself because it was the only room without windows and my parents weren't going to protect me. Now that I have cancer and a death-and-dying therapist, who has helped untangle ALL of it, I'm learning to admire the resilience and survival skills I had as a child. The "stories" don't stand up, but I found a way to fight what I didn't understand, and I need that will to live and fight
1. When I was a teenager: my dad just expresses his love through supporting the family financially and making money. That's fine and just as good as a dad who's present. (My dad was an ER doctor, which meant he had insane schedules and often missed family vacations, holidays, soccer games, dinner every night, etc. etc. Read on for how that turned out.)
2. No one will ever really understand me. The gulf between me and other people is too big to even try crossing. (As a gay kid with two mentally ill parents, an alcoholic father who took off when I was 15 and who I haven't seen in years, and a mother in crisis left behind, I had to keep, and still keep, a lot of secrets. It's very hard for me to let my guard down or be honest. I frequently get relegated to the "introverted listener role" in friendships with talkative people who are self-absorbed or kind but not able to pick up on many social cues, because I have no idea how to talk about myself or family, and those are the people who don't notice / don't care.)
3. You're just bad at being vulnerable. You have to try being more vulnerable if you want to connect with other people and make better friends. (Looking back, I did try to be vulnerable with friends throughout college, and it backfired-- again, see the type of people attracted to spending time with me in the first place. Realistically, a lot of people do not care enough to hear about your insane family lore, especially when they started being friends with you because you were the only one who would listen to them about their insane family lore. I put the onus on myself to just *muscle through* into emotional intimacy and take up more space, but vulnerability is not an individual practice, it is a social and shared one. My friends who ignored me when I tried to share things about my life were not being good friends. I wasn't asking for too much, or not trying hard enough.)
I don't need to be loved.
I'm strong.
Mind over matter.
I managed to survive a parent with a personality disorder, so the stories did their job. But the body keeps the score.
1) There's something gross and off putting about me
2) I want to be special which is shameful and embarrassing
3) I'm disposable and forgettable
I must fit in to be loved --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe I must be my true self to be loved, and hated and anything in between, I am in full acceptance of my true self, and that is higher than anyone's approval
I must strive to be perfect --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe I must strive for things that rtuly matter to me
I must only hang out with people who are perfect --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe I must be where I am and when I cross paths with others, it is my opportunity to be my true self and allow them to be their true selves, to accept everyone who I meet as someone who is reflecting something about myself
I must make a world away from everything I know --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe I must make a world in the reality of what is
It's not okay to be me (my true self) --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe I cannot be anyone else except my true self, and I accept all the consequences of being my true self (it's worth standing up for)
It's not okay to pursue things other's deem frivolous - such as creativity --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe I must pursue things that call out my name, such as Creativity
It's not okay to be different --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe it's okay to be me
I struggle because I am not good --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe I struggle because it's a part of life sometimes, it's alright, and it's important to remember it's not all struggle
Success is when everyone's happy with you --> --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe success is when I am happy with myself, in integrity with myself
I must do as others do - I must learn from my elders --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe that the answers are not outside of me
It's rude to voice my opinions and concerns--> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe my voice belongs here and it's a gift to use it for the highest good
It's disrespectful to ask questions or challenge the status quo in any way --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe it's neccessary to ask questions or challenge the status quo if it will be helpful in anyway
Know your place (it's the one that others have given you) --> --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe it's okay not to know my place, and have the freedom to find it (it's always the one that brings be most peace)
Smile to make everyone else comfortable --> INSTEAD I am choosing to believe it's my face, and I can choose whatever expression I feel like adorning at any moment.
When I was a kid, I was anxious and tended to overthink. When I would out-perform my brothers on tests, it became a family joke to say "If she weren't so neurotic, everyone would have to hate her." I swear, it felt like a joke, until it didn't. I realized at some point in my 20's that I was finding it really hard to break out of anxious thought patterns because some part of me wholly believed that neuroticism was the tax I needed to pay for finding both success *and* love as a woman. Not a useful story—didn't serve me well as a kid, definitely has hampered my relationships as an adult. I married someone who doesn't need or want me to pay the anxiety tax in order to be loved, but damn does it feel almost impossible to stop doing it.
The first two stories are ones people told about me:
You’re the smart one - and you think you’re smarter than everyone else.
You’re a “brick” - you’re capable and impermeable to hurt. You can take care of yourself and don’t worry about others’ feelings.
The story I told myself as a result:
No one knows me, no one can know me, no one cares to know me.
My three old stories are:
1. I am alone
2. It’s up to my
3. All of me is too much, dangerous even
"I'm cursed. Things don't work out for me."
Sometimes I wonder if this is just a way to feel special?
As an explorer of authentic relating, presence, connection, and self discovery, I love this invitation! It’s very timely as I’m exploring this in my journaling practice as well.
Stories:
1. Everyone else gets love, connection, and touch, and whatever they want. Everyone else gets their needs and wants met. I don’t get that.
2. I don’t exist. Not really.
3. I don’t matter. If I hurt, or bleed, if I feel pain, it’s not important, and nobody will help me or be with me in it, and nobody wants to. I’m expandable.
4. I have to choose between being true to myself and connecting with others.
I think all of these have surfaced in adulthood, and I can tell as I write them, which still feel painful in me.
Those stories both draw me closer to others and keep me distant. As a result of being aware of them, and wanting to heal them, I’ve gone towards different approaches like authentic relating, presence practices, somatic therapy practices, bodywork, and energetics, and trained in a number of different modalities and incorporated a lot in my own practice, whilst also working as a coach and facilitator with others. I think it’s a case of the wound being the place that light can enter us.
It’s also been a case of: I think there’s something wrong with me, that I’m constantly striving to fix. And I’ve just recently, in the last few years, relaxed more into the idea that I’m actually okay, just as I am, and that whilst I have these stories, it’s because I experienced some serious trauma and neglect as a child, and didn’t have a choice or agency in the matter, and to let myself grieve this. Realizing that I already am (and always was) whole and complete in and of myself.
On the rougher days, I’m fleeing for my blanket fort, and my favorite TV show. 😂 Otherwise, I’m alive in the world, and appreciating the magic of life, and that’s amazing. (And sometimes it still feels like striving, and I just get to notice and be present with that.)
>> Do your stories bring you comfort when you feel rejected?
Yes! They have in the past and on occasion, still do. It’s a constant waking up to how this works in me, and being with myself in this with compassion and understanding.
>> Do they make you feel more capable and more resilient?
Yep. ‘If I don’t matter, and it doesn’t matter if I feel pain temporarily, I can do a lot and face a lot that other people might not be able to.’ That was my thinking and approach for a number of years. It took me years to see how I was really relating to myself through this, and how through this belief, I was hurting myself. However, I also was more resilient and capable, so both were true!
I stayed with the tension between the opposites, and I think the biggest breakthrough around this came recently when I admitted to myself that I should never have needed to be that capable. I shouldn’t ever have needed to be the one handling situations I handled, and that my parents were supposed to protect me and didn’t, so I became my own protector to survive. And I became the one who’d stand up for others as well.
In honoring this, I realized I actually love that part of me. She’s incredibly strong and resilient, and deeply cares about me and about others. It’s become about honoring all of the parts of myself, and inviting all of me to the table.
I have birth defects, no one will love me.
I’m not worth the effort.
Don’t take up room, get by with less.
Whew, what an amazing prompt.
I guess mine are:
- Nobody understands me / I am incomprehensible;
- I am not like normal people / I do not get to have normal things; therefore
- I have to do everything myself, and my way.
I don't exist properly.
I am only meant to understand, not be understood.
I feel most whole when I am alone.
I am the best thing that has happened and will ever happen to me.
1. I continue to have experiences that reliably support the above beliefs. I have a hard time building trusting relationships with people. I am very cautious and watchful of people and tread (noticeably) slowly. This way has helped me decide for each moment and situation when I should stick around a bit more or jump ship.
2. These beliefs keep me isolated from people AND help me maintain an unperturbed sense of self that I haven't had before. I feel more attuned to myself than ever before. I trust myself to handle situations with more integrity and authenticity because I can peacefully choose who I want to be in each moment. Honestly, distance helps me stay inside myself and feel all my emotions and learn more deeply about different parts of me. I'll sometimes share my logic/thoughts with people but I still refuse to share my feelings with people.
3. I wouldn't say I feel comforted by these beliefs. They just exist. They just continue to confirm themselves even without me projecting them. They will always remain somewhat concretized as long as I have to participate in a White Patriarchal Individualist Capitalist society.
Human Connection is so momentary and fleeting that I am starting to not believe it is NOT worth all the hype everyone gives it. It is so hard to be human with other humans.
My child hood story is a rather dramatic story I suffered a subarachnoid hemorrhage on the left side of my brain at the age of 15 and still have residual paralysis on my right side. I have talked about this very unusual accident to any one who wants to hear about it. Nothing, I repeat nothing can prevent you from becoming what you want in this life…only yourself. I have attained a PhD, two beautiful daughters and am active in sports at the age of soon to be 70. I was told back when I had my accident that I would never walk again and that I would have to settle on some menial job. My comeback was tough but I had the support of good mother and father . So long as you have your health….you can do anything. Thank you for letting me go over my childhood memory .
I’m not really lovable
Abandonment is right around the corner
I’m not good enough