As I was reading the letter and I got to the part where she describes her ex as having been abusive my first thought was "You're being gaslit". I love that you opened with that Polly! Also in my experience if you are asking if you are an abuser you are not lol. Abusers never really think what they are doing is wrong...that's part of the abuse! My ex-husband also gaslit and manipulated me for years...I contorted myself into a million different versions of myself to please him. And in the end he still left me (for a "fake" friend we shared)...and while he was leaving he told me that it was all my fault and that I had "stopped trying"...meanwhile he was cheating and I was just trying to be a normal person with real feelings, etc. I'll never forget how he wanted to go for a walk on the beach and I just wanted to linger at home...and he gave me the dirtiest most disdainful look..the skiing story reminded me of that. Anyway, LW - I'm 7 years out and I can promise you after some work you will be much better off. Maybe find a therapist..it can help to find a safe space to reflect on what attracted you to him in the first place so you never have to do that again. Good luck and good riddance to that abusive asshole!
Gaslighting is such an insidious form of abuse; it makes you doubt your own reality and assume your own guilt and lose your ability to identify what even makes you happy. You can't make decisions because for years you have suppressed your needs in order to keep the peace with someone who was never committed to peacefulness. LW deserves so much better and I hope she finds it.
This made me almost cry, at least soften inside so that I could. Thank you, Polly. I can't wait to read your book on marriage when it's done. Dear Letter Writer -- I'm so glad you got free.
Having been through a similar situation, I definitely feel for you. One reading that has helped me a lot is "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men", by Lundy Bancroft. Although that book is not perfect, it did help me understand some of the strategies used, and why they had such a profound impact one me.
LW I’m so glad you got out. Therapy! Good friends! It was only with other people reflecting the truth that helped me see that everything in the relationship wasn’t my fault. My abusive ex screamed at me in a school parking lot after I left that not only was everything my fault, but his anger was my fault as well and without me, he’d be cured.
It’s all them. Leave all the projections with him. Be free.
It’s worth considering that the ex may want LW to admit ‘being abusive’ in order to leverage this in terms of the dei or even settlement. Be very careful responding to this person via email n
I feel like I’ve been to church when I read your responses Polly!! (BUT in a good way.) You always make sure to slowly unwrap the response so that we’re really invested then, SURPRISE! I always wait for everyone to go to sleep so I can luxuriate in your column. None better. Period.
As I was reading the letter and I got to the part where she describes her ex as having been abusive my first thought was "You're being gaslit". I love that you opened with that Polly! Also in my experience if you are asking if you are an abuser you are not lol. Abusers never really think what they are doing is wrong...that's part of the abuse! My ex-husband also gaslit and manipulated me for years...I contorted myself into a million different versions of myself to please him. And in the end he still left me (for a "fake" friend we shared)...and while he was leaving he told me that it was all my fault and that I had "stopped trying"...meanwhile he was cheating and I was just trying to be a normal person with real feelings, etc. I'll never forget how he wanted to go for a walk on the beach and I just wanted to linger at home...and he gave me the dirtiest most disdainful look..the skiing story reminded me of that. Anyway, LW - I'm 7 years out and I can promise you after some work you will be much better off. Maybe find a therapist..it can help to find a safe space to reflect on what attracted you to him in the first place so you never have to do that again. Good luck and good riddance to that abusive asshole!
Gaslighting is such an insidious form of abuse; it makes you doubt your own reality and assume your own guilt and lose your ability to identify what even makes you happy. You can't make decisions because for years you have suppressed your needs in order to keep the peace with someone who was never committed to peacefulness. LW deserves so much better and I hope she finds it.
This made me almost cry, at least soften inside so that I could. Thank you, Polly. I can't wait to read your book on marriage when it's done. Dear Letter Writer -- I'm so glad you got free.
You never, never let me down, Heather! I don't know how you do it!
Having been through a similar situation, I definitely feel for you. One reading that has helped me a lot is "Why does he do that? Inside the minds of angry and controlling men", by Lundy Bancroft. Although that book is not perfect, it did help me understand some of the strategies used, and why they had such a profound impact one me.
The way out is not easy, but you can do it.
LW I’m so glad you got out. Therapy! Good friends! It was only with other people reflecting the truth that helped me see that everything in the relationship wasn’t my fault. My abusive ex screamed at me in a school parking lot after I left that not only was everything my fault, but his anger was my fault as well and without me, he’d be cured.
It’s all them. Leave all the projections with him. Be free.
It’s worth considering that the ex may want LW to admit ‘being abusive’ in order to leverage this in terms of the dei or even settlement. Be very careful responding to this person via email n
Wonderful response, Polly! Except for one thing - the LW mentions physical abuse, and that isn't picked up on.
LW, enjoy your freedom. I hope you will find someone deserving of your love in future!
I feel like I’ve been to church when I read your responses Polly!! (BUT in a good way.) You always make sure to slowly unwrap the response so that we’re really invested then, SURPRISE! I always wait for everyone to go to sleep so I can luxuriate in your column. None better. Period.
I am so glad this LW is finding herself and Heather thank you for holding up such a clear mirror every time!