I love this so much. However, reading this I realised that I've hit the "stop constantly trying to improve and following unrealistic expectations about yourself" level, but am still far from actually reaching the "enjoy who you are and every moment of your life" level. So basically I've accepted myself for who I am, but I'm not satisfied with it; instead I'm just resigned and apathetic -- essentially no guilt and yet no joy. Anything that can be done about that?
I've been there and I get it. It's almost like driving a car: when you're apathetic and dissatisfied, you have to tap the gas a little -- give yourself small challenges, reflect on why you feel disappointed in yourself. But don't hit the gas so hard that you throw yourself into an agitated, neurotic, self-hating state where the future "you" that's better is all that matters.
When you don't have any guilt OR joy, that suggests that you've slowly disavowed your truest desires because they bring you too much agitation and pain. You don't want to stay in that realm of low level depression and dissatisfaction. What you want is to unearth your real needs and desires, even though they make you feel a lot, and sit with all of those feelings, soothing yourself, staying calm. Then you figure out tiny little ways to satisfy your truest needs without setting your peace of mind on fire. Small steps in the direction of feeling good.
Your focus shouldn't be on "becoming a better person" so much as "feeling more joy and acceptance." Acceptance and resignation aren't the same thing. Acceptance is a step on the path to actually loving youself. Resignation keeps you shut off, afraid of trying, stuck. Those tiny taps on the gas will upset you at first, but if you're gentle and protect yourself but also stay patient with the feelings that come up, you'll learn a lot about what you've buried. Good luck! I know it's hard. We're talking about a lifelong process that never ends, we all struggle with it, so don't beat yourself up. You have a lot of time to learn this.
It's all about attuning to your own needs and the resistance and shame that go along with having needs at all. SOB! Hang in there. xo
I wish this pandemic hasn't been making joy so unattainable, but I'll try to be patient and gentle with my feelings despite it all. Your posts (and funny tweets) have really been helping me get through this. Thank you! x
i've been learning more about zen practice and meditation, and what i loved about your post was that it really resonated with some of the ideas in pema chodron's when things fall apart (although you use totally different vocabulary, which is just amazing to me, bc i think part of the problem with conversations about mindfulness is a problem of vocabulary -- so many things sound so trite and cliched that i'm not able to connect with them). anyways, she talks about beginning from a state of "hopelessness" -- not committing to the practice as a failsafe against fear or anxiety or death or humiliation or any of the things that we spend our lives running away from, because these things are inevitable and unavoidable, and practice is about accepting the the moment, whatever it is, however uncomfortable it is, as our path. it's super resonant for me because i'm always stuck in a "if only" way of thinking -- if only i were more productive/less anxious/more successful/prettier/knew who i was going to marry -- then i'd be happy. i know that that kind of thinking is a trap because i'm pretty sure that whatever timeline or universe i'm in i'd still find a way to be dissatisfied and unhappy. but it's a seductive way of thinking that i still find myself sliding into every day, and then i start berating myself and/or snapping at others and blaming them for my discomfort.
anyways, i just wanted to say that i super enjoyed your post and am grateful that you exist in the world <3
Wow, this is great. I used to live in "if only" world full-time, and it was mostly "if only i were loved completely" which was closely related to "if only i were more beautiful/ special/ charming to [skeptical person who is not even my type] -- more like [beautiful charming person who is not even my type]." See how all of the above exists in some world that doesn't even belong to me, doesn't appeal to me, has nothing to do with my specific skills and charms and flair? Comparing yourself or living in an "if only" dreamworld is like baking the perfect cake and then putting a rusty wrench on top of it.
When you try hard to accept and enjoy who you are (instead of always having your eyes on fantasy worlds where everything works out for you and fantasy people who approve or love you), you also enjoy 1) waking up 2) baking the cake 3) icing the cake badly and laughing at yourself for it 4) eating the cake. Happiness and a lot of other random good things tend to spring out of learning to live in the moment and surrender yourself completely to EXACTLY who you are, as is, and celebrate that weird person.
Related: I appreciate that you like my language because I really do try to wander around and feel it instead of looking through a drawer of terms to see what fits, and I do that because I'm like you: I can't connect with language I've heard too many times. I need things described to me with new metaphors and ideas thrown in new ways or I just say BLAH BLAH BLAH and feel almost... irritated? Like don't talk down to me, mix it up and make it smarter and make it fuuuuucked up, let's have some fun here! I also love new metaphors and ideas, so that's the cake I want to bake. This all circles back to me trying to just do what I do the way I do it IN ORDER TO ENJOY MYSELF. So thanks for seeing that and appreciating it! And also thanks for being here. xo
Yes. Needed this one. Especially with all those memes floating around telling us to live our lives so our future selves will be proud. GOOD GRIEF THE PRESSURE MY FUTURE SELF IS PUTTING ON ME RIGHT NOW. There are days I just can't take the weight and so I try to hide in deep tunnels of distractions that lead me into a suffocating spiral of wanting to be better, but actively rebelling against anything that might take me to that elusive "better-ness," acting AGAINST what that future self might want to see. And then comes the guilt and frustration and here we are. Fuck memes.
I feel this. Getting out from under the pressure you already put on yourself can feel like a full-time job. I became much more productive once I figured out how to say: okay you can stay this shape, this form, keep making these sounds, not do more, not be better. You're allowed to underperform most days. Let's focus on enjoying reality as it is instead.
"a constant focus on self-improvement has a tendency to erode your self-esteem and turn you into a neurotic, approval-seeking mess"
*looks frantically around for the hidden camera that must obviously be in my apartment*
I love this so much. However, reading this I realised that I've hit the "stop constantly trying to improve and following unrealistic expectations about yourself" level, but am still far from actually reaching the "enjoy who you are and every moment of your life" level. So basically I've accepted myself for who I am, but I'm not satisfied with it; instead I'm just resigned and apathetic -- essentially no guilt and yet no joy. Anything that can be done about that?
I've been there and I get it. It's almost like driving a car: when you're apathetic and dissatisfied, you have to tap the gas a little -- give yourself small challenges, reflect on why you feel disappointed in yourself. But don't hit the gas so hard that you throw yourself into an agitated, neurotic, self-hating state where the future "you" that's better is all that matters.
When you don't have any guilt OR joy, that suggests that you've slowly disavowed your truest desires because they bring you too much agitation and pain. You don't want to stay in that realm of low level depression and dissatisfaction. What you want is to unearth your real needs and desires, even though they make you feel a lot, and sit with all of those feelings, soothing yourself, staying calm. Then you figure out tiny little ways to satisfy your truest needs without setting your peace of mind on fire. Small steps in the direction of feeling good.
Your focus shouldn't be on "becoming a better person" so much as "feeling more joy and acceptance." Acceptance and resignation aren't the same thing. Acceptance is a step on the path to actually loving youself. Resignation keeps you shut off, afraid of trying, stuck. Those tiny taps on the gas will upset you at first, but if you're gentle and protect yourself but also stay patient with the feelings that come up, you'll learn a lot about what you've buried. Good luck! I know it's hard. We're talking about a lifelong process that never ends, we all struggle with it, so don't beat yourself up. You have a lot of time to learn this.
It's all about attuning to your own needs and the resistance and shame that go along with having needs at all. SOB! Hang in there. xo
I wish this pandemic hasn't been making joy so unattainable, but I'll try to be patient and gentle with my feelings despite it all. Your posts (and funny tweets) have really been helping me get through this. Thank you! x
This is so fucking good. Thank you. <3
You are a fairy godmother. Thank you!
i've been learning more about zen practice and meditation, and what i loved about your post was that it really resonated with some of the ideas in pema chodron's when things fall apart (although you use totally different vocabulary, which is just amazing to me, bc i think part of the problem with conversations about mindfulness is a problem of vocabulary -- so many things sound so trite and cliched that i'm not able to connect with them). anyways, she talks about beginning from a state of "hopelessness" -- not committing to the practice as a failsafe against fear or anxiety or death or humiliation or any of the things that we spend our lives running away from, because these things are inevitable and unavoidable, and practice is about accepting the the moment, whatever it is, however uncomfortable it is, as our path. it's super resonant for me because i'm always stuck in a "if only" way of thinking -- if only i were more productive/less anxious/more successful/prettier/knew who i was going to marry -- then i'd be happy. i know that that kind of thinking is a trap because i'm pretty sure that whatever timeline or universe i'm in i'd still find a way to be dissatisfied and unhappy. but it's a seductive way of thinking that i still find myself sliding into every day, and then i start berating myself and/or snapping at others and blaming them for my discomfort.
anyways, i just wanted to say that i super enjoyed your post and am grateful that you exist in the world <3
Wow, this is great. I used to live in "if only" world full-time, and it was mostly "if only i were loved completely" which was closely related to "if only i were more beautiful/ special/ charming to [skeptical person who is not even my type] -- more like [beautiful charming person who is not even my type]." See how all of the above exists in some world that doesn't even belong to me, doesn't appeal to me, has nothing to do with my specific skills and charms and flair? Comparing yourself or living in an "if only" dreamworld is like baking the perfect cake and then putting a rusty wrench on top of it.
When you try hard to accept and enjoy who you are (instead of always having your eyes on fantasy worlds where everything works out for you and fantasy people who approve or love you), you also enjoy 1) waking up 2) baking the cake 3) icing the cake badly and laughing at yourself for it 4) eating the cake. Happiness and a lot of other random good things tend to spring out of learning to live in the moment and surrender yourself completely to EXACTLY who you are, as is, and celebrate that weird person.
Related: I appreciate that you like my language because I really do try to wander around and feel it instead of looking through a drawer of terms to see what fits, and I do that because I'm like you: I can't connect with language I've heard too many times. I need things described to me with new metaphors and ideas thrown in new ways or I just say BLAH BLAH BLAH and feel almost... irritated? Like don't talk down to me, mix it up and make it smarter and make it fuuuuucked up, let's have some fun here! I also love new metaphors and ideas, so that's the cake I want to bake. This all circles back to me trying to just do what I do the way I do it IN ORDER TO ENJOY MYSELF. So thanks for seeing that and appreciating it! And also thanks for being here. xo
Yes. Needed this one. Especially with all those memes floating around telling us to live our lives so our future selves will be proud. GOOD GRIEF THE PRESSURE MY FUTURE SELF IS PUTTING ON ME RIGHT NOW. There are days I just can't take the weight and so I try to hide in deep tunnels of distractions that lead me into a suffocating spiral of wanting to be better, but actively rebelling against anything that might take me to that elusive "better-ness," acting AGAINST what that future self might want to see. And then comes the guilt and frustration and here we are. Fuck memes.
I feel this. Getting out from under the pressure you already put on yourself can feel like a full-time job. I became much more productive once I figured out how to say: okay you can stay this shape, this form, keep making these sounds, not do more, not be better. You're allowed to underperform most days. Let's focus on enjoying reality as it is instead.