10 Comments
Mar 9, 2021Liked by Heather Havrilesky

"a constant focus on self-improvement has a tendency to erode your self-esteem and turn you into a neurotic, approval-seeking mess"

*looks frantically around for the hidden camera that must obviously be in my apartment*

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Mar 9, 2021Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I love this so much. However, reading this I realised that I've hit the "stop constantly trying to improve and following unrealistic expectations about yourself" level, but am still far from actually reaching the "enjoy who you are and every moment of your life" level. So basically I've accepted myself for who I am, but I'm not satisfied with it; instead I'm just resigned and apathetic -- essentially no guilt and yet no joy. Anything that can be done about that?

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Mar 9, 2021Liked by Heather Havrilesky

This is so fucking good. Thank you. <3

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Mar 10, 2021Liked by Heather Havrilesky

You are a fairy godmother. Thank you!

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i've been learning more about zen practice and meditation, and what i loved about your post was that it really resonated with some of the ideas in pema chodron's when things fall apart (although you use totally different vocabulary, which is just amazing to me, bc i think part of the problem with conversations about mindfulness is a problem of vocabulary -- so many things sound so trite and cliched that i'm not able to connect with them). anyways, she talks about beginning from a state of "hopelessness" -- not committing to the practice as a failsafe against fear or anxiety or death or humiliation or any of the things that we spend our lives running away from, because these things are inevitable and unavoidable, and practice is about accepting the the moment, whatever it is, however uncomfortable it is, as our path. it's super resonant for me because i'm always stuck in a "if only" way of thinking -- if only i were more productive/less anxious/more successful/prettier/knew who i was going to marry -- then i'd be happy. i know that that kind of thinking is a trap because i'm pretty sure that whatever timeline or universe i'm in i'd still find a way to be dissatisfied and unhappy. but it's a seductive way of thinking that i still find myself sliding into every day, and then i start berating myself and/or snapping at others and blaming them for my discomfort.

anyways, i just wanted to say that i super enjoyed your post and am grateful that you exist in the world <3

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Yes. Needed this one. Especially with all those memes floating around telling us to live our lives so our future selves will be proud. GOOD GRIEF THE PRESSURE MY FUTURE SELF IS PUTTING ON ME RIGHT NOW. There are days I just can't take the weight and so I try to hide in deep tunnels of distractions that lead me into a suffocating spiral of wanting to be better, but actively rebelling against anything that might take me to that elusive "better-ness," acting AGAINST what that future self might want to see. And then comes the guilt and frustration and here we are. Fuck memes.

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