54 Comments

The answer is simple. Stop giving a fuck about “deciding” what you really want and the answer will come. It’s the deciding part that is giving you the pain, not the wanting part.

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Bingo Bango!

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Sep 9Liked by Heather Havrilesky

oof I can't begin to say how much I needed to hear this today. And I have books out from big publishers! it never fucking ends, in other words, but you gotta press on! But I do want to add: I would be so so so much better of a writer now if I had followed my desperate need to write when I was your age instead of finally giving in at 41. I would also have saved myself ten years of being plagued with severe, sometimes disabling panic disorder in my 30s, which only went away WHEN I STARTED TO WRITE. Start now. Write and write and write, it's the only way to get better. Thinking about writing is not writing; only writing is writing.

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Sep 9Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Since the letter writer mentioned religion and Polly is talking about God, I will share this parable from Luke 18 that I am OBSESSED WITH:

"Then Jesus told them a parable about their need to pray always and not to lose heart. He said, “In a certain city there was a judge who neither feared God nor had respect for people. In that city there was a widow who kept coming to him and saying, ‘Grant me justice against my accuser.’ For a while he refused, but later he said to himself, ‘Though I have no fear of God and no respect for anyone, yet because this widow keeps bothering me, I will grant her justice, so that she may not wear me out by continually coming.’ ” And the Lord said, “Listen to what the unjust judge says. And will not God grant justice to his chosen ones who cry to him day and night? Will he delay long in helping them? I tell you, he will quickly grant justice to them. And yet, when the Son of Man comes, will he find faith on earth?”

Faith is being an annoying repetitive uppity audacious loud widow and God saying BITCH PLEASE

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Polly, thanks for this insight: "Often when your body says it wants a warm donut, what it wants is a frozen plant." As someone whose body has been craving cheesy carbs, I instead went to my workout class, came home, and cooked a lean protein with three vegetables on the side. I'm very upset to report that it worked and I feel better! How dare our bodies lie to us about the need for cheesy carbs!

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Sep 9Liked by Heather Havrilesky

The writer wants to feel special, and writing is not special. That's why this writer was "overwhelmed by the chatter" and did not (would not) make a vision board with the others. Being a writer is a lot of things, including a dime a dozen, like everything. You were given hardships and gifts. Do with them what you will. If you tune out social media and the internet and the wealth/fame-marketing complex, you will realize you are in the same boat as BILLIONS of people. You're just another human being on the planet, and that actually is special if you can see it as such.

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Sep 9Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Well, that was a kiss-slap in the face.

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Sep 9Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Beautiful beautiful beautiful. Both Polly and the LW.

Get out of PE, LW. It's misery on a rotisserie. Take it from this self loathing 'formally' gifted writer who sold out to practical influences and is now over 40 in a marketing leadership career with a huge mortgage.

Polly's words, if I'd have had the bravery to follow them at 29, would have changed my life. I couldn't own who I was and I was ruled by fear and doubt.

I've dropped too many anchors to sail into blue water as of today, so don't become me.

Either way, be done with private equity as soon as you can. Save your money and move on. The writer's way will look very different than your peers. Have courage!

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Sep 9Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Thank you to the soul who asked the question and the soul who wrote the answer. There’s awe blooming in my chest, tears in my eyes and I’m pregnant with hope.

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Sep 9Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I think the rage is essential. Otherwise I’m not sure where I’d get the energy to keep believing.

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Sep 10Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I cannot believe the synchronicity of this. Thank you for making this free. And to the person who sent this in, your writing is everything that was mentioned in the response, and more.

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Sep 9Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Polly, your advice but above all your framing is exquisite as always. I was someone who felt envy for those who found their passion, who lived in the sterile tension between everything he found interesting.

Our obsession with passion is a curse. We think we should decide what to do, but we need to do and use the data from that to decide. The best way is to just keep doing things like picking up interesting looking rocks along a walk, until one day you realise you don't really want to swap it for anything else.

So many people end up in what I call dream purgatory. They love reading books and adore the idea of being a writer, but they don’t actually like the process of writing. So they ‘want to be a writer’, with minor dabbling, until they die. I think above all, it's okay to realise something is not for you. If you do it seriously, it doesn't take all that long.

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Sep 9Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Thank you both for this brilliance and passion on a Monday morning! MAD, don't know if this will help, but I feel like this Dear Sugar column is a nice complement to your letter and Heather's response. Once you accept what you want (to write and be a writer), here's how to actually DO IT. https://therumpus.net/2010/08/19/dear-sugar-the-rumpus-advice-column-48-write-like-a-motherfucker/

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Sep 9Liked by Heather Havrilesky

The symptoms in this letter mirror my own from earlier this year so eerily - the unbearably tight shoulders, the clenched jaw, the overwhelming unlimited source of bitter anger - turns out it was severe PTSD that was being mismanaged as depression.

When it was treated I could finally write again - not well maybe but I could. So to whoever is meant to find this - that may be a rock to look under because you’re not supposed to have it this hard!

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Sep 10Liked by Heather Havrilesky

I don’t know if you’ll see this comment but I’m curious to know how you treated the PTSD? I have been treated for depression for about 20 years but recently had extreme symptoms of PTSD, constant panic attacks, became quite sick, etc and soon I’m going to try EMDR for the first time. It’s dawning on me that I might’ve been misdiagnosed to some degree as well. I’m desperate for something that will help.

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I have PTSD from my child having leukemia and oh boy I have tried It all.

(Un-fun fact: stress researchers used to study holocaust survivors and now they study parents of children with cancer! Obviously it's not the same type/degree of trauma but it's a consistently traumatized population, and consistancy is good for research.)

Here's what worked for me:

1. Welbutrin + Lexapro combo for a year

2. Physical stress relief (gentle yoga, massage, physical therapy, Qi gong, hiking in nature, stretching)

3. Singing and breathing meditation (Taizé services at Episcopal church)

4. Lots of probiotic foods to help with IBS.

5. Accepting that there will always be things that make me go off the deep end, and it's not a matter of avoiding those things, it's just a matter of having tools in my toolbox to shorten recovery time.

Here's what didn't work for me:

1. Zoloft--made me crazy, sometimes you have to try a couple of meds before you find the right one.

2. EMDR. Mostly because being trapped in front of a rhythmically beeping medical device is a specific trigger for hospital trauma hahaha YMMV

3. Talk therapy. Yeah I know why I have PTSD, and talking about it doesn't do anything to help my little animal body feel safe.

I would strongly reccomend finding a physical or somatic therapy that feels right for your body. You're not alone! It's ok to have a terrible year (or two or three) and it's ok to feel bad and sick! You will feel better! If you treat your body kindly and patiently, you will slowwwwly start to feel better, I promise.

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Sep 13·edited Sep 13

EMDR can work magic, but it requires a skilled practitioner. If it doesn't feel right, try someone else. I love the advice to always try at least 3 therapists; we all tend to go with the first we meet, but this is about YOUR needs, and finding the right therapist is mysterious, not like buying tires.

Quick story: in EMDR I went back to my tortuous all-boy's middle school, letting the scenes play out several times, until I was in that scared miserable lonely place again. My therapist asked who I would like to invite to go there with me -- myself as an adult, or a friend or family member. I picked a dear old friend, someone who always felt like he "got" me. I went back into EMDR to that same scene, but with my friend. Immediately I felt strong, happy, safe! None of those other mean kids mattered. I was OK.

EMDR doesn't erase painful memories. It absolutely can change how they feel, change my negative energy around them, enable me to see my past self with compassion, with less fear and pain.

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I am not the person you were asking, but I can confirm that EMDR worked for my PTSD.

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Sep 9Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Fucking gorgeous. Printing this and hanging it on my fridge so it can seep into my being.

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Sep 9Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Envious of people like LW where the passion is so strong and the path is so clear

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Sep 9Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Has the LW considered an assessment for ADHD? So many things you wrote resonated with me and my recent diagnosis of ADHD. I dream of being a writer - having my own Substack would be amazing - but I am too inattentive and distractible that I never get started. Just a thought.

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Sep 10Liked by Heather Havrilesky

Suze having your own Substack *is* amazing. Even if you forget about it for a long time. Even if no one reads it. Even if you feel like you're starting from scratch every time you try to post. I also have ADHD and writing makes my brain feel good... Let us know if you start one, I'll read it! (When I remember that Substack exists -- yessir, ADHD is quite the gift!)

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I am working up to it. Does anyone have any useful tips on getting started? Also practical advice would help - like how to change the name of the newsletter and the photo that does with it? Thank you in advance x

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Sep 11Liked by Heather Havrilesky

For any writers with ADHD, I hope you will love this as much as I did:

https://rebeccamakkai.substack.com/p/i-wrote-five-books-with-adhd

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