My mother was very similar with us (my brothers and I). One of the most painful aspects of learning to trust myself was this sensation of “leaving her behind.” Not physically—we live in driving distance to each other—but in her perspective on the world (dangerous, cruel, unstable, untrustworthy, punitive) and reinforcing my own perspective (mistakes are necessary for learning, some people are cruel and some aren’t, there is enough here for me, I can trust others, I’m safe).
Our conversations now have a bit of a tug of war dynamic where I have to embody light and she has to embody darkness but I don’t see how else we could stay connected. I don’t know if this same process will happen for LW but thought I’d share.
But please, PLEASE do not settle in your primary romantic relationship. My mother constantly told me that I couldn't care for myself, and at the same time insisted I choose the college/graduate school path she prescribed.
She pushed hard for me to follow the first guy who'd let me go with him. This guy who turned out to be very bad for me. She told me without someone to take care of me, I'd be homeless, jobless, and starving. I listened to that. I turned down a job at the Washington Post to go to a very small city, and cook and clean even though I had these insisted upon prestigious degrees. It's the greatest regret of my life, and the hardest mistake to rectify.
Agree. I didn't want to get into concretes with job/ love because that would replicate the original problem - an opinionated third party giving very specific instructions about how to proceed. But any part of her life that feels like an extension of her mother's wishes for her, rather than her own wishes, needs to be reevaluated and questioned. I think she's already there, and it's very helpful of you to share just how regrettable it can feel to ignore your own dreams for the sake of safety.
I just want to comment on the work aspect. I’m in my late twenties and for the first 6 years of my twenties I thought a desk job behind a computer was my only option. I too, would have many overthinking meltdowns at my computer desk. Due to some unrelated life events, I had to move home for a while and I took a “fun” job on my feet. Wow. It completely changed my life. I realized that working behind a desk was really unhealthy for me mentally. I won’t ever go back to that kind of job again. I agree with many of Polly’s points, and I’m not advocating for the letter writer to quit their job tomorrow. But, I do want to say we spend huge percentages of our life’s working. It’s probably incredibly rare to have a job you love 100% of the time. But, it is possible to not dread work, to be engaged 95% of the time you’re there, and to not constantly feel like you need to change jobs. I encourage the letter writer to try something new, soon. Even just a part time job on the side. That’s also what our twenties are for-trying new things, maybe liking them, maybe hating them, failing, trying again. Good luck fellow twenty something ❤️
Agree about desk jobs! I hated working in an office, and now have a treadmill desk to solve (part of) the problem of sitting in the same place all day. Resolving to reject what other people accept is such a big part of becoming your own person. And as you said, she has time to experiment! Nothing is permanent. So watch, observe, reflect, and maybe try something new without letting a parent's fears block you from seeing all of the possibilities in the world.
I had a mother who was more controlling than most mothers I have known. Add a personality disorder and extreme religious beliefs to the maternal mix and voila. Meet my mom.
Years and years after I knew better, I would still look to her for validation and support. It’s primal. We want our mothers to love and nurture us, to lift us up. Some can’t. Mine couldn’t.
For various reasons, L&C, I still chose to continue spending time with my mother too, albeit with some big changes of subject. I slowly ceased discussions about my life, my decisions, my feelings. I talked about clothes, gardening, food, music, whatever. She hated it, hated being left out of the loop and fought back, but there was nothing for it. This was just my experience, L&C, and yours may not exactly match up but I know with zero doubt that I would never have had my own life without shutting down her influence.
She never gave up trying to get me to live how she wanted, to comply with her vision of who I was. All I could do, in the end, was stop listening to her instead of myself. All I could do was love her at arm’s length. She gave me no choice. It was so hard and it still hurts.
I loved this letter and response. For me it was an amazing feeling to discover myself and realize that I'm not the person my mother projected on me. Once you really get to know your desires they become so much easier to fulfill.
I love your parenting insights, Heather. I have two girls (21 months and 9 weeks), and while I feel all of the reparenting I’m doing in my BONES, you are the one who gives it sound and shape and sense. I will try so hard to raise people who are who they are (not me) and trust themselves above all others (including me).
I have a family member in my life who replicates a parent's intrusiveness. Anytime I mention a new job prospect he shoots off "no, don't do that," as if it hasn't been something I has wanted since I was a literal 14-year old and just a sudden whim (I just turned 30). Or asks what courses I want to take when I mention some discount perks.
In fact he used to do the same to sudden whims I had as a teenager, like when I wondered if piloting would be a good job. It got to the point where I did the opposite of what he told me because I was so sure his little plans for me would lead to dissatisfaction and resentment. Uprooting has always felt like cutting myself in half -- which would generously make me a fourth now -- and I always face the judgment and underrated pain of losing friends/family who see someone spoiled and capricious with their autonomy. But this letter has given me hope that it doesn't have to be that way, that you can grow and experiment while trying to maintain ties. I wish knew it earlier! Still I fear deeply that I might regret it, that my brothers will be given a larger share of a "will" when my parents die, material or not, and that I will be devastated in a Greek tragedy sometime in the future, lacking fortune in head and heart compared to them. I'm wondering if even my parents, who don't want me to move out of the midwest, do it for mostly selfish reasons now: it is inconvenient for us that you are not around. But they grew up in a different time and accepting what you have seems to be the highest virtue...
I've been reading your blog for a year. It has given me the courage and strength to live a life on my own terms; to accept and believe in myself; to look for joy and growth. I'm currently in a hostel in Colombia having had the very best weeks of my life in part because your blogs gave me permission to pursue a life I wanted. I am so very grateful for your insight, honesty and bravery.
The more I read these letters the more I’ve come to appreciate my now late mother. She once told me that, when offered advice, ask yourself one question: does it make sense, given your experience, expectations, values, and goals? If it does, follow it as best you can. If not screw it. Actually, she used a different verb there.
oh this was so good. i was adrift in my 20s so uncertain of anything, trying to be the easiest person with no needs. you know how that turns out! now i’m a mom in limbo-- i had an emotionally absent mom for trauma responses and my MIL is very controlling and manipulative also probably a trauma response. i’m trying not to use the narcissistic descriptor. boomers and patriarchy🫣i’ve been navigating a new way with my teens and reading this is so validating. self trust came to me in my 30s, it’s essential in finding meaning and joy in a harsh world that conditions us to be more like robots than humans with glitches. i like the above comment that says you have to leave them behind-- this is me currently. i’ve been in therapy for 5 years, i’m in a psychology program making all the changes a person can make in one life. you learn to love them where they are at, with boundaries.
My mother was very similar with us (my brothers and I). One of the most painful aspects of learning to trust myself was this sensation of “leaving her behind.” Not physically—we live in driving distance to each other—but in her perspective on the world (dangerous, cruel, unstable, untrustworthy, punitive) and reinforcing my own perspective (mistakes are necessary for learning, some people are cruel and some aren’t, there is enough here for me, I can trust others, I’m safe).
Our conversations now have a bit of a tug of war dynamic where I have to embody light and she has to embody darkness but I don’t see how else we could stay connected. I don’t know if this same process will happen for LW but thought I’d share.
I'll leave the career/work issues alone for now.
But please, PLEASE do not settle in your primary romantic relationship. My mother constantly told me that I couldn't care for myself, and at the same time insisted I choose the college/graduate school path she prescribed.
She pushed hard for me to follow the first guy who'd let me go with him. This guy who turned out to be very bad for me. She told me without someone to take care of me, I'd be homeless, jobless, and starving. I listened to that. I turned down a job at the Washington Post to go to a very small city, and cook and clean even though I had these insisted upon prestigious degrees. It's the greatest regret of my life, and the hardest mistake to rectify.
Agree. I didn't want to get into concretes with job/ love because that would replicate the original problem - an opinionated third party giving very specific instructions about how to proceed. But any part of her life that feels like an extension of her mother's wishes for her, rather than her own wishes, needs to be reevaluated and questioned. I think she's already there, and it's very helpful of you to share just how regrettable it can feel to ignore your own dreams for the sake of safety.
It's hard to listen to one's gut when the other voices are so loud. The intuition is on point, though, and I'm glad the LW is listening to their's.
I just want to comment on the work aspect. I’m in my late twenties and for the first 6 years of my twenties I thought a desk job behind a computer was my only option. I too, would have many overthinking meltdowns at my computer desk. Due to some unrelated life events, I had to move home for a while and I took a “fun” job on my feet. Wow. It completely changed my life. I realized that working behind a desk was really unhealthy for me mentally. I won’t ever go back to that kind of job again. I agree with many of Polly’s points, and I’m not advocating for the letter writer to quit their job tomorrow. But, I do want to say we spend huge percentages of our life’s working. It’s probably incredibly rare to have a job you love 100% of the time. But, it is possible to not dread work, to be engaged 95% of the time you’re there, and to not constantly feel like you need to change jobs. I encourage the letter writer to try something new, soon. Even just a part time job on the side. That’s also what our twenties are for-trying new things, maybe liking them, maybe hating them, failing, trying again. Good luck fellow twenty something ❤️
Agree about desk jobs! I hated working in an office, and now have a treadmill desk to solve (part of) the problem of sitting in the same place all day. Resolving to reject what other people accept is such a big part of becoming your own person. And as you said, she has time to experiment! Nothing is permanent. So watch, observe, reflect, and maybe try something new without letting a parent's fears block you from seeing all of the possibilities in the world.
I had a mother who was more controlling than most mothers I have known. Add a personality disorder and extreme religious beliefs to the maternal mix and voila. Meet my mom.
Years and years after I knew better, I would still look to her for validation and support. It’s primal. We want our mothers to love and nurture us, to lift us up. Some can’t. Mine couldn’t.
For various reasons, L&C, I still chose to continue spending time with my mother too, albeit with some big changes of subject. I slowly ceased discussions about my life, my decisions, my feelings. I talked about clothes, gardening, food, music, whatever. She hated it, hated being left out of the loop and fought back, but there was nothing for it. This was just my experience, L&C, and yours may not exactly match up but I know with zero doubt that I would never have had my own life without shutting down her influence.
She never gave up trying to get me to live how she wanted, to comply with her vision of who I was. All I could do, in the end, was stop listening to her instead of myself. All I could do was love her at arm’s length. She gave me no choice. It was so hard and it still hurts.
If I could marry this q+a I would. 💕
I loved this letter and response. For me it was an amazing feeling to discover myself and realize that I'm not the person my mother projected on me. Once you really get to know your desires they become so much easier to fulfill.
I love your parenting insights, Heather. I have two girls (21 months and 9 weeks), and while I feel all of the reparenting I’m doing in my BONES, you are the one who gives it sound and shape and sense. I will try so hard to raise people who are who they are (not me) and trust themselves above all others (including me).
I have a family member in my life who replicates a parent's intrusiveness. Anytime I mention a new job prospect he shoots off "no, don't do that," as if it hasn't been something I has wanted since I was a literal 14-year old and just a sudden whim (I just turned 30). Or asks what courses I want to take when I mention some discount perks.
In fact he used to do the same to sudden whims I had as a teenager, like when I wondered if piloting would be a good job. It got to the point where I did the opposite of what he told me because I was so sure his little plans for me would lead to dissatisfaction and resentment. Uprooting has always felt like cutting myself in half -- which would generously make me a fourth now -- and I always face the judgment and underrated pain of losing friends/family who see someone spoiled and capricious with their autonomy. But this letter has given me hope that it doesn't have to be that way, that you can grow and experiment while trying to maintain ties. I wish knew it earlier! Still I fear deeply that I might regret it, that my brothers will be given a larger share of a "will" when my parents die, material or not, and that I will be devastated in a Greek tragedy sometime in the future, lacking fortune in head and heart compared to them. I'm wondering if even my parents, who don't want me to move out of the midwest, do it for mostly selfish reasons now: it is inconvenient for us that you are not around. But they grew up in a different time and accepting what you have seems to be the highest virtue...
Dear Polly,
I've been reading your blog for a year. It has given me the courage and strength to live a life on my own terms; to accept and believe in myself; to look for joy and growth. I'm currently in a hostel in Colombia having had the very best weeks of my life in part because your blogs gave me permission to pursue a life I wanted. I am so very grateful for your insight, honesty and bravery.
Lots of love from Bogota
The more I read these letters the more I’ve come to appreciate my now late mother. She once told me that, when offered advice, ask yourself one question: does it make sense, given your experience, expectations, values, and goals? If it does, follow it as best you can. If not screw it. Actually, she used a different verb there.
oh this was so good. i was adrift in my 20s so uncertain of anything, trying to be the easiest person with no needs. you know how that turns out! now i’m a mom in limbo-- i had an emotionally absent mom for trauma responses and my MIL is very controlling and manipulative also probably a trauma response. i’m trying not to use the narcissistic descriptor. boomers and patriarchy🫣i’ve been navigating a new way with my teens and reading this is so validating. self trust came to me in my 30s, it’s essential in finding meaning and joy in a harsh world that conditions us to be more like robots than humans with glitches. i like the above comment that says you have to leave them behind-- this is me currently. i’ve been in therapy for 5 years, i’m in a psychology program making all the changes a person can make in one life. you learn to love them where they are at, with boundaries.