I feel genuinely shaken by how unique this reframe is. The fact that the destroying of the relationship is exactly what needed to happen. Not fooling yourself into believing that success lies the way of being a Cool Chill Partner. No longer living inside a fantasy of an alluring, superior trickster. Insistence on needs as adaptive behaviour!!!!!!!!! Simply earth shaking. Thank you.
THIS! "I recognized that I wasn’t going to be happy if I stayed with someone who waved off my emotions as irrational". Thirty years ago I told my (future) husband this, and it has been the foundation of a happy marriage.
I had know idea I desperately needed to read this, but I did:
"I’ve been needy with some people, distant with some, and secure with others. When I met my husband, I fell madly in love with him but I never worried that he didn’t love me enough. Within my relationship with him, I’ve always felt secure and independent. If he were too needy in certain ways, I would’ve grown antsy. If he were too distant, I would’ve become needy. He’s a secure person with his own particular flaws and strengths, but most of them don’t happen to bring out the absolute worst in me. We have our challenges, but we naturally trust each other, and more honesty always brings us closer instead of pushing us away from each other. That was something we had together from the first day we met."
I am 37 and have never experienced this with anybody who was single and open to a relationship. I believe it is *possible,* but how *likely* is it, especially in the gay male world? I have seen a few relationships where this seems to be the case, but they are few and far between. How to deal with the ambiguous grief that I may never find this, yet so desperately want it?
'...When I think of all the not-quite-right guys I tried to marry, and then I destroyed everything instead, I feel so grateful for my terrible personality!' --SAME Now that I'm married with a kid, I can't believe how wrong my former relationships were. We would have caught on fire and crashed within days of introducing a baby into our lives. It's so obvious now how much my furniture clashed with their wallpaper. Now, that I have a relationship with someone who I can fully express my needs to and can see how much more I need from them as life gets more complicated, I'm so grateful my personality pushed others away. Thank goodness, otherwise I'd be in a real mess today. Rejection is a blessing of sorts. Great job again, Heather.
This is a game changer: “Don’t take these behaviors as indicators of how good and attractive or bad and embarrassing you are. Treat them as indicators of whether or not the relationship NATURALLY WORKS.”
Can't handle the brilliance; can't love this enough! Mind blown:
"You’re figuring out how to get your needs met. That takes time. Treating the expression of your needs as the key problem in this picture isn’t wise. You will always have strong emotional needs, and you’ll always have to find ways to meet them. Pretending otherwise will lead you farther away from yourself. Don’t fool yourself into believing that secure, intimate relationships are achieved through acting like you’re stronger and more independent than you really are." "I shouldn't have asked for that" is the first thing I tell myself if something doesn't go the way I'd hoped. I did it today. (If I had the words to say, “Seeking support was a mistake” and “My emotions/needs are embarrassing and shameful," I would say those things too, but bedrock feelings like those tend to stay below word level.) It's going to be helpful to have a counter to that reflex.
How wonderful this was to read. For years I would look back at relationships that ended when I didn’t want them to and flog myself: “If only I had done ____ instead of ____ (something completely in character for me and in tune with what I was needing and feeling at the time). I used to blame drinking. The real problem turned out to be my inability to be myself sober and my great talent for playing The Cool Girl when I was more in control. I “blew it” with so many relationships that, uh, desperately needed to be blown right up.
I also just ended a troubled but loving relationship. I relate a lot to both the letter writer and the ex. I was too, filled with shame at some point that I couldn’t do enough for my partner, but I knew that she also felt the same. All this mismatch of needs and a complete struggle to understand each other was so frustrating to deal with. This was my first relationship in almost ten years. im not crushed and heartbroken about the breakup, but I felt I got to understand myself a lot more because of it. Things I never even knew. So grateful to read this letter and response (as well as all the comments on this post!) today. I needed it a lot.
I feel genuinely shaken by how unique this reframe is. The fact that the destroying of the relationship is exactly what needed to happen. Not fooling yourself into believing that success lies the way of being a Cool Chill Partner. No longer living inside a fantasy of an alluring, superior trickster. Insistence on needs as adaptive behaviour!!!!!!!!! Simply earth shaking. Thank you.
THIS! "I recognized that I wasn’t going to be happy if I stayed with someone who waved off my emotions as irrational". Thirty years ago I told my (future) husband this, and it has been the foundation of a happy marriage.
I had know idea I desperately needed to read this, but I did:
"I’ve been needy with some people, distant with some, and secure with others. When I met my husband, I fell madly in love with him but I never worried that he didn’t love me enough. Within my relationship with him, I’ve always felt secure and independent. If he were too needy in certain ways, I would’ve grown antsy. If he were too distant, I would’ve become needy. He’s a secure person with his own particular flaws and strengths, but most of them don’t happen to bring out the absolute worst in me. We have our challenges, but we naturally trust each other, and more honesty always brings us closer instead of pushing us away from each other. That was something we had together from the first day we met."
I am 37 and have never experienced this with anybody who was single and open to a relationship. I believe it is *possible,* but how *likely* is it, especially in the gay male world? I have seen a few relationships where this seems to be the case, but they are few and far between. How to deal with the ambiguous grief that I may never find this, yet so desperately want it?
'...When I think of all the not-quite-right guys I tried to marry, and then I destroyed everything instead, I feel so grateful for my terrible personality!' --SAME Now that I'm married with a kid, I can't believe how wrong my former relationships were. We would have caught on fire and crashed within days of introducing a baby into our lives. It's so obvious now how much my furniture clashed with their wallpaper. Now, that I have a relationship with someone who I can fully express my needs to and can see how much more I need from them as life gets more complicated, I'm so grateful my personality pushed others away. Thank goodness, otherwise I'd be in a real mess today. Rejection is a blessing of sorts. Great job again, Heather.
This is a game changer: “Don’t take these behaviors as indicators of how good and attractive or bad and embarrassing you are. Treat them as indicators of whether or not the relationship NATURALLY WORKS.”
Can't handle the brilliance; can't love this enough! Mind blown:
"You’re figuring out how to get your needs met. That takes time. Treating the expression of your needs as the key problem in this picture isn’t wise. You will always have strong emotional needs, and you’ll always have to find ways to meet them. Pretending otherwise will lead you farther away from yourself. Don’t fool yourself into believing that secure, intimate relationships are achieved through acting like you’re stronger and more independent than you really are." "I shouldn't have asked for that" is the first thing I tell myself if something doesn't go the way I'd hoped. I did it today. (If I had the words to say, “Seeking support was a mistake” and “My emotions/needs are embarrassing and shameful," I would say those things too, but bedrock feelings like those tend to stay below word level.) It's going to be helpful to have a counter to that reflex.
How wonderful this was to read. For years I would look back at relationships that ended when I didn’t want them to and flog myself: “If only I had done ____ instead of ____ (something completely in character for me and in tune with what I was needing and feeling at the time). I used to blame drinking. The real problem turned out to be my inability to be myself sober and my great talent for playing The Cool Girl when I was more in control. I “blew it” with so many relationships that, uh, desperately needed to be blown right up.
I also just ended a troubled but loving relationship. I relate a lot to both the letter writer and the ex. I was too, filled with shame at some point that I couldn’t do enough for my partner, but I knew that she also felt the same. All this mismatch of needs and a complete struggle to understand each other was so frustrating to deal with. This was my first relationship in almost ten years. im not crushed and heartbroken about the breakup, but I felt I got to understand myself a lot more because of it. Things I never even knew. So grateful to read this letter and response (as well as all the comments on this post!) today. I needed it a lot.
Wow
This is so helpful.