Never listen to anyone who thinks that self-improvement is inherently selfish. Cultivating firm boundaries and celebrating your desires will make you more loving and generous, not less.
I think some people could stand to be more selfish, some people less selfish, and some people more selfish in certain contexts and less in others.
But when people blast out a simple "honor your needs and your boundaries" message to thousands of followers, they can't control who sees it, how it is interpreted, or what happens when one person's needs are in conflict with another person's boundaries. So to me, the issue is not the promotion of self-interest so much as the memeification of it -- the translation of a complex issue into short dopamine hits that require no reflection.
I think there's a balance here that our culture is having a hard time striking. I'm definitely a shame-bound people pleaser. Maybe this would be good for me. But I also grew up with a malignant narcissist for whom the above message would not improve her life nor that of anyone she's in relationship with. We have different needs.
Solidarity, interdependence, and yes *obligation* are necessary to make a society work. We must help each other whether we always feel like it if we want the benefits of living together. But you also don't want a culture that encourages well-intentioned people to always ignore their own needs, desires, and boundaries, getting stuck in one-way relationships and kept there by "you-musts."
I've had a tab with that article open all morning meaning to read it. I love that it caused you to write and send something out asap! As a recovering people pleaser, I don't need any more shame from the NYT.
Sometimes, if I have a muscle pain, I look up physical therapy exercises on YouTube. I learn all about how to fix my problem, and then sometimes I stop there and don't EVER do the exercise. This behavior of mine is so dumb and annoying and I can't believe I do it. It's like, my brain thinks learning about how to do something is the same as doing something.
Anyways, I think that's how some people are about self-improvement. Like, they KNOW about it, and they TALK about it, but they don't actually practice it in a meaningful way. So there's a lot of noise without a lot of actual results.
The very best boundary setting phrase I ever heard was at my son's grade school--an old-school Seattle hippie co-op. The wisest teacher there encouraged everyone to do their "My Size Job". Not too little, not too much. You don't kill yourself but you still contribute. And everyone is individually responsible to build self awareness in order to figure out what their My Size Job is. And because we were doing real things--cleaning up blocks and firing clay and participating in fundraisers--we had tons of opportunities to say "this is my My Size Job" to other people. That experience re-wired my shame and people-pleasing more than anything else in my life. Because I was actually doing it, not just learning about it.
Thanks for this, Polly, so spot-on. This support of your thinking from one of the early self-helpers:
"A NYC subway ad for the Marble Collegiate Church, where self-help author Norman Vincent Peale once preached, explains the basic anxiety that fuels this mammoth industry: “Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual.” Our rational selves know this instruction manual doesn’t exist, but our aspirational selves will keep seeking to buy one."
Thank you for this, Polly. The NYT would prefer no one to have boundaries with their bad bosses, bad parents, bad elected officials, or the status quo in general, really. This article was no exception!
Characterizing Dr. Gibson’s mission as showing people they’re not to blame for all their problems, and also focusing on the minority of people who didn’t vaccinate as proof of rampant individualism got two big ol’ eye rolls from me— most people masked and vaccinated, actually, and some of us have parents who can’t manage their feelings responsibly. Neither of these is a good example of rampant selfishness.
Ah Polly (Heather) Tis you who should have a column in the NYT with an ‘Incendiary’ click bait title. I eagerly gobble up all your words and share them with anyone I care for and those who get it. There are many jerks who won’t, but meanwhile I’m so grateful to you for your confirmation that I’m on the right path of me-pleasing and no longer people pleasing. Particularly when it comes to ‘shitty’ jobs where so many people are stuck fast by shame and excuses, while their very soul dies. We are generally at work more than anything else we do. And if we allow that to be our benchmark for joy - gawd help us.
A soundbite understanding of self-improvement is the best most people have. I've explained to people here and there that I'm working on not "overperforming" (as a trauma survival skill), in the context of a conversation about doing more than one gets paid to do. Once or twice, I've had a person ask brightly, "Oh, are you a people-pleaser?" I don't know how to respond because the way I interact with the world has more nuance than that (over-performing here, and staunchly not feeling guilty about "not doing enough" over there). When I don't just say, "Yes," the conversation stalls out because they don't want to engage with my actual human experience; they want to slap a label on what I'm saying so they feel more comfortable. A "dopamine hit", as another commenter said. It also comes across as slightly superior.
I think some people could stand to be more selfish, some people less selfish, and some people more selfish in certain contexts and less in others.
But when people blast out a simple "honor your needs and your boundaries" message to thousands of followers, they can't control who sees it, how it is interpreted, or what happens when one person's needs are in conflict with another person's boundaries. So to me, the issue is not the promotion of self-interest so much as the memeification of it -- the translation of a complex issue into short dopamine hits that require no reflection.
I think there's a balance here that our culture is having a hard time striking. I'm definitely a shame-bound people pleaser. Maybe this would be good for me. But I also grew up with a malignant narcissist for whom the above message would not improve her life nor that of anyone she's in relationship with. We have different needs.
Solidarity, interdependence, and yes *obligation* are necessary to make a society work. We must help each other whether we always feel like it if we want the benefits of living together. But you also don't want a culture that encourages well-intentioned people to always ignore their own needs, desires, and boundaries, getting stuck in one-way relationships and kept there by "you-musts."
I've had a tab with that article open all morning meaning to read it. I love that it caused you to write and send something out asap! As a recovering people pleaser, I don't need any more shame from the NYT.
Sometimes, if I have a muscle pain, I look up physical therapy exercises on YouTube. I learn all about how to fix my problem, and then sometimes I stop there and don't EVER do the exercise. This behavior of mine is so dumb and annoying and I can't believe I do it. It's like, my brain thinks learning about how to do something is the same as doing something.
Anyways, I think that's how some people are about self-improvement. Like, they KNOW about it, and they TALK about it, but they don't actually practice it in a meaningful way. So there's a lot of noise without a lot of actual results.
The very best boundary setting phrase I ever heard was at my son's grade school--an old-school Seattle hippie co-op. The wisest teacher there encouraged everyone to do their "My Size Job". Not too little, not too much. You don't kill yourself but you still contribute. And everyone is individually responsible to build self awareness in order to figure out what their My Size Job is. And because we were doing real things--cleaning up blocks and firing clay and participating in fundraisers--we had tons of opportunities to say "this is my My Size Job" to other people. That experience re-wired my shame and people-pleasing more than anything else in my life. Because I was actually doing it, not just learning about it.
Thanks for this, Polly, so spot-on. This support of your thinking from one of the early self-helpers:
"A NYC subway ad for the Marble Collegiate Church, where self-help author Norman Vincent Peale once preached, explains the basic anxiety that fuels this mammoth industry: “Life doesn’t come with an instruction manual.” Our rational selves know this instruction manual doesn’t exist, but our aspirational selves will keep seeking to buy one."
Jessica Lamb-Shapiro
Thank you for this, Polly. The NYT would prefer no one to have boundaries with their bad bosses, bad parents, bad elected officials, or the status quo in general, really. This article was no exception!
Characterizing Dr. Gibson’s mission as showing people they’re not to blame for all their problems, and also focusing on the minority of people who didn’t vaccinate as proof of rampant individualism got two big ol’ eye rolls from me— most people masked and vaccinated, actually, and some of us have parents who can’t manage their feelings responsibly. Neither of these is a good example of rampant selfishness.
Ah Polly (Heather) Tis you who should have a column in the NYT with an ‘Incendiary’ click bait title. I eagerly gobble up all your words and share them with anyone I care for and those who get it. There are many jerks who won’t, but meanwhile I’m so grateful to you for your confirmation that I’m on the right path of me-pleasing and no longer people pleasing. Particularly when it comes to ‘shitty’ jobs where so many people are stuck fast by shame and excuses, while their very soul dies. We are generally at work more than anything else we do. And if we allow that to be our benchmark for joy - gawd help us.
A soundbite understanding of self-improvement is the best most people have. I've explained to people here and there that I'm working on not "overperforming" (as a trauma survival skill), in the context of a conversation about doing more than one gets paid to do. Once or twice, I've had a person ask brightly, "Oh, are you a people-pleaser?" I don't know how to respond because the way I interact with the world has more nuance than that (over-performing here, and staunchly not feeling guilty about "not doing enough" over there). When I don't just say, "Yes," the conversation stalls out because they don't want to engage with my actual human experience; they want to slap a label on what I'm saying so they feel more comfortable. A "dopamine hit", as another commenter said. It also comes across as slightly superior.
Not a thing in this column disabused me from the notion that if you *aren’t* ruled by shame, you’re likely to be selfish.
Or that “trusting my instincts” would be what would make me stupider.