I'm struggling a bit to read this. I'm in the process of recovering from what I now recognize was an emotionally abusive relationship. I used logic like this to defend his actions, reminding myself that he's stressed, sad, and going through a lot of tough changes. I used that to justify his outbursts that would often include the most hurtful comments about me, my character, and my friends and family. I feel like these exchanges were so insidious at first, then more intense, where I didn't realize the extent to which I'd been left completely exhausted with my self esteem on the ground.
How do you know the line? I don't even know how I got here, and I don't want to be here again.
I also want to say that if someone in your life is the "artist type" but they leave you feeling like garbage with their emotional reactivity, you do not have to stay in that situation <3
I'm so sorry you’ve gone through that—it’s heartbreaking to feel so drained by someone you care about. I can relate, as I’ve been navigating something similar with my husband. It’s so easy to justify someone’s behavior when you care about them and see their struggles, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay for them to treat you poorly.
For me, the line became clear when I realized I didn’t like who I was becoming in the relationship. If someone’s behavior makes you question your worth or leaves your self-esteem on the ground, that’s a sign to start standing up for yourself. When I did, I focused on their actions. Did they take accountability? Did they try to change? In my case, my husband left when I set boundaries. It was devastating, but it also gave me space to grieve, heal, and find myself again.
If you’ve found the strength to leave or are working on leaving, be kind to yourself. Don’t dwell on 'how you got here'—what matters is that you’re taking steps forward. Healing takes time, and it’s okay to go slow. Even now, as my husband has returned, admitted he needs therapy, and wants to rebuild, I’m cautious because I’ve learned to prioritize myself.
You’re not wrong for giving someone you love a chance, and you’re not weak for walking away. Every day, ask yourself, 'What small thing can I do today to feel a little better?' Those small steps will carry you toward recovery, I promise.
I think there could be lots of answers to this question but here's one attempt: paying attention to how reciprocal the relationship feels . people show this in different ways, for me I feel like I can identify the feeling of internal peace when I'm with someone who is able to be present with me. also, crucially, if they can accept feedback of their behavior that they perceive as critical. for example, maybe they get overwhelmed and shut down in the moment BUT they are able to discuss later when calmer & make a concerted effort to really hear, apologize if needed, etc. I've observed that some abuse seems to be driven by an underlying entitlement to all of the emotional caretaking, understanding etc with no desire for reciprocating those things. IDK if that's helpful though!
My therapist finally got through to me by naming my behavior/feelings as “relentless hope.” Hope is good, right? But relentless hope was actually shame and guilt and fear driving me to cling and keep blaming myself for everything.
I loved her. AND, I felt awful about my serious hurtful mistakes/flaws. AND, I had worked hard on myself for 12 (!) years. Some of those therapies/intensives/programs/groups transformed me. A couple of them made things MUCH worse. I was totally bought in to being humble, open, listening to others and not trusting my addicted self. Until I finally could see that her rage and distrust and abuse weren’t my fault anymore.
One of the great couples therapists (we had 9 (!) over 12 years, plus several in a 2 week intensive) said, “Franklin, what you did on a scale of 1 to 10 was a 10. And ___, the trauma you brought into the relationship was a 10. You guys have been treating all 20 as Franklin’s fault.” That did not go over well with her. It was SO liberating for me.
Several years later she screamed she was divorcing me because of 1, 2, 3 horrible “reasons.” 3 days later she didn’t remember what she’d yelled. I had written it down, knowing I was too overwhelmed to remember. She said, “I’m allowed to change my mind.” I agreed—but I (finally) was ready to make up my own mind, and not change it even when she was sweet and remorseful. I could finally see the hundreds of times we’d gone around that loop, and finally could hear what all my friends, family, therapists had been gently pointing out: this isn’t getting better.
I still have compassion for her. I wish we could be friends, but my therapist suggested that with that much hurt it’s rare for exes to be able to be friends. She’s repartnered and seems happy—I’m so glad. I found an incredible woman—we’re a great match. And all those years of work are paying off. I can sit with ALL my feelings now, including regret, remorse, shame, sadness, fear—as well as joy, hope, curiosity, excitement—thousands of other nuanced emotions. I have the vocabulary to name them, instead of “good” or “bad” or a long intellectual analysis or story.
My bae and I work together on acceptance: of both of our (frustrating) ADHD, of having shorter time together than we wish (but we wouldn’t have clicked if we’d met years before…) Of imperfection, mistakes…. And we have so much joy.
I wish you the same. As we all know from Heather: Heal relationships that can flourish. Let go when they can’t or won’t get better. Learn from the past, but look forward more. Own your shit, but don’t “should” on yourself. Forgive yourself and everyone constantly. Treasure everything that sparks joy. Feel everything. Be as fully alive as possible. The road is shorter than we realize.
wow. thank you for sharing. i'm sorry you went through that, but am glad that it contributed your growth and now to the growth of strangers on the internet :) wishing you all the best
Thank you -- I came here to share the same sentiment. When somebody else is lashing out and it's affecting you, what is the line between being compassionate and letting somebody else effectively emotionally abuse you? Even if you're totally emotionally resilient and it's not eroding at your core, there's a point at which you must say "enough is enough," and I think it's important to hold that in consideration when talking about these things.
Very good point. We still have to take care of ourselves. In Al anon they say something like, you didn’t cause the other’s issue and you can’t fix it. But we can try to see this person is hurt and have empathy then remove ourselves from the abuse.
Yep, there is a difference between having empathy and compassion, and making it your job to fix the problem. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do for a person is to not allow them to keep doing harm to you.
I wanted to restack every paragraph. This was so beautiful and true and sad. “Most people have never learned to sit and cry and tell the truth.” I feel for my dad especially, reading this. Thank you for sharing.
Good points, all. People also lash out when something triggers their shame and psychologists have described the connection between shame and anger, humiliation and rage.
This is deeply true, and beautifully expressed. This post is an eloquent way to describe the unconscious coping mechanisms many of us develop as children to protect our fragile inner selves from our dysfunctional families. In adult relationships, these coping mechanisms can be very destructive. If the person you love, who channels all feelings of sadness, vulnerability, and fear into rage, criticism, and contempt happens to be your spouse, you are not required to stay and accept being emotionally or physically abused.
Excellent article . Having been for quite a few decades, the wounded animal, I can relate. Life always sends good teacher at precisely the right moment, even if you're blind to them.. Met a woman( who became my mentor, was a psychotherapist which I did not know at the time) She was a great listener. She listened, I ranted..I had never been in the presence of someone just willing to sit and hear me. I was all of 30, now at 75, I still get a chuckle out of this one moment.
After listening to me pour forth my fire rage about all sorts of things, she said, "you know, you do anger very well." Here's the thing, I took it as a compliment! Someone I had trusted had actually validated that I was good at something. I walked away from her cottage in the woods quite proud of myself. To this day, it cracks me up.Gentle listening, co breathing, we all need to be heard, loved and respected.
I am here because, I opened my email while sipping my tea, early in the morning dark and found I needed this. I realized how many wild (human) animals shelter in my life that are here looking for grace. I can do that. I can do that for the little beast in my own heart as well. I know this because of the two dogs who lay at my feet while I write and create, giving me that grace all day long just for a scritch behind the ears, the toss of a ball and some goofy nonsense words I speak that sounds like "Good Boys."
Thank you for this Polly. What a fantastic way to start my day!
I learned a lot about how to be a human animal from my dog. He was a Jack Russell, so he was a complex character and sometimes an overthinker. But he was always in touch with his physicality, and that made room for me to learn those skills from him--stretching, exercising, napping, snuggling, enjoying small attentions, all unapologetically and unashamedly.
After way too many years on the couch I finally said, "The Earth is like this big school, and we're here to learn how to trust love. The weird thing is how hard that is to do."
This is such an important lesson. I’m in my 30s and only now learning it about myself and others. It’s not easy to stop yourself from blowing up in anger, especially when that anger masks deeper feelings of sadness, despair, or heartbreak. It’s equally hard to stay calm when someone else loses their temper at you—whether it’s because you don’t agree with them, caught them in a lie, or pointed out that they hurt you.
Even if you approach them with humility, a person who isn’t used to expressing their true emotions might not respond in kindness. But that’s not the point. What matters is how you react in those moments. Sometimes, your calm and honest approach might give them space to reflect and, over time, change their habits.
This is a lesson many moms I admire are emphasizing when raising their kids—both boys and girls. They encourage them to express their true emotions and thoughts without panicking when they feel overwhelmed or scared. It’s such a valuable skill, and it’s never too late for anyone to learn.
Beautiful insight, as always. How difficult it is to gently open the cage door and offer your understanding and love to a person in pain and only to have them lash out and pull the door shut.
Reading your comment got me thinking….When I see a video of some poor abandoned dog or cat, a person patiently trying to overcome the animal’s fear, mistrust, and pain… I always root for the person to not give up! Try again! The starved pupper (or one eyed cat) is worth it!! No matter how long it takes the rescuer I always consider it time well spent when we finally see the full life their work has wrought, when the formerly abandoned animal looks happy, clean, bouncy and having lost that look of shame at being unloved.
I think Heather is saying we are all the abandoned one-eyed cat ready to bite the hand that feeds us, and even so, we deserve to be rescued by love ❤️
Just wanted to say that I've read nearly everything you've written and love so much of it, but this piece is currently my favorite. It's so timely and true. Thank you.
Every time I get angry now, I try to step back and ask myself, "What is being triggered in me?" rather than, "Why is this person being such a jerk?" It's not a thought I can access immediately, but just being aware that this is the better path to take gets me there faster.
Needed this today - in the past week I’ve seen people react in ways that are difficult to understand and that I judged pretty dismissively and with a lot of disappointment and frustration - like they personally let ME down. But this viewpoint is much better I’m taking it!
“People do and say crazy shit when they’re panicking or overwhelmed.” True facts.
Society has such great expectations on people but I really believe for some self regulation comes with practice. If more people were allowed to just “be” when they were younger perhaps life would make more sense for everyone, not just those lucky enough to have their crap all together x
I want to thank you for opening up such a vital conversation and for your vulnerability in sharing your experiences and reflections. Your words resonate deeply, especially the idea of seeing the fearful animal behind the words and extending love and compassion to it—it’s such a powerful and transformative perspective.
I was particularly struck by this passage: “The cure isn’t more blame. The cure is witnessing without being invested in which behaviors are right and wrong.” It’s such an important reminder of the role of acceptance in both personal healing and how we approach others in their moments of pain.
At the same time, I find myself questioning the notion of a “cure” altogether. Might the search for a cure itself inadvertently impose a framework that limits how people process their despair and grief? Could it be more liberating to step away from the concept of curing and instead focus on creating space for people to navigate their pain on their own terms?
I also wonder how we, as observers or supporters, can fully understand what’s best for someone without having lived their emotions ourselves. Do you think the conversation could evolve even further if we acknowledge that our perspectives are always shaped by our own experiences and might not align with the realities of others?
Your ability to reflect on your journey and to write with such clarity and heart is a gift, and it’s clear that your words are making an impact. Thank you for being willing to wrestle with these complexities so openly and for inspiring others to do the same.
Thanks for this post. When you write, "Find a way to love your way forward..." Forget the so-called Holy Grail, that's my quest. You've placed me at the entrance to the Labyrinth of my own rage knowing now, that's what I'm looking for. A way to love my way forward. And: " I don’t think people are freaking out because this moment is darker than any other moment in human history. I think things are very rough right now and people are uniquely unqualified to handle it..." A helpful distinction, and thanks for this too.
(By the way, I don’t think people are freaking out because this moment is darker than any other moment in human history. I think things are very rough right now and people are uniquely unqualified to handle it, thanks to a complex web of conditions that include the psychotic workings of high capitalism, alienation, isolation, global culture, the internet, climate change, how long a list do you want?)
Yeah, things are so intertwined that it's difficult to even talk about it. We can say, "It's the environment stupid." But that isn't something that individual action changes in a meaningful way. We all need to act in concert to make a dent.
It's so compelling to look for the next mind-focusing metaphor to frame our present problem state. I agree. I don't think there is one. The hubris of history is that we can look back and identify the big picture problem and solution for each age. We don't move from stage to stage in a big picture way. We move at the margins. We move slowly.
I was thinking about that line too. I have thoughts about it but I'm still processing them.
My current theory "mind focusing metaphor" is that the problem is all information/stimulation/stuff overload and we're crying like overwhelmed toddlers at an amusement park.
But then the ghosts of my Mennonite great-grandparents rise up in my mind and tell me it's because people need faith in God to find peace, and the excesses of capitalism, whether personal or ecological, is the symptom instead of the cause.
But yeah, I'm still thinking about it. I'm trying to be part of what's moving at at the margins, as you describe. Thank you for this comment.
I'm struggling a bit to read this. I'm in the process of recovering from what I now recognize was an emotionally abusive relationship. I used logic like this to defend his actions, reminding myself that he's stressed, sad, and going through a lot of tough changes. I used that to justify his outbursts that would often include the most hurtful comments about me, my character, and my friends and family. I feel like these exchanges were so insidious at first, then more intense, where I didn't realize the extent to which I'd been left completely exhausted with my self esteem on the ground.
How do you know the line? I don't even know how I got here, and I don't want to be here again.
I also want to say that if someone in your life is the "artist type" but they leave you feeling like garbage with their emotional reactivity, you do not have to stay in that situation <3
I'm so sorry you’ve gone through that—it’s heartbreaking to feel so drained by someone you care about. I can relate, as I’ve been navigating something similar with my husband. It’s so easy to justify someone’s behavior when you care about them and see their struggles, but that doesn’t mean it’s okay for them to treat you poorly.
For me, the line became clear when I realized I didn’t like who I was becoming in the relationship. If someone’s behavior makes you question your worth or leaves your self-esteem on the ground, that’s a sign to start standing up for yourself. When I did, I focused on their actions. Did they take accountability? Did they try to change? In my case, my husband left when I set boundaries. It was devastating, but it also gave me space to grieve, heal, and find myself again.
If you’ve found the strength to leave or are working on leaving, be kind to yourself. Don’t dwell on 'how you got here'—what matters is that you’re taking steps forward. Healing takes time, and it’s okay to go slow. Even now, as my husband has returned, admitted he needs therapy, and wants to rebuild, I’m cautious because I’ve learned to prioritize myself.
You’re not wrong for giving someone you love a chance, and you’re not weak for walking away. Every day, ask yourself, 'What small thing can I do today to feel a little better?' Those small steps will carry you toward recovery, I promise.
Thank you for responding ❤️ wishing you all the best
I think there could be lots of answers to this question but here's one attempt: paying attention to how reciprocal the relationship feels . people show this in different ways, for me I feel like I can identify the feeling of internal peace when I'm with someone who is able to be present with me. also, crucially, if they can accept feedback of their behavior that they perceive as critical. for example, maybe they get overwhelmed and shut down in the moment BUT they are able to discuss later when calmer & make a concerted effort to really hear, apologize if needed, etc. I've observed that some abuse seems to be driven by an underlying entitlement to all of the emotional caretaking, understanding etc with no desire for reciprocating those things. IDK if that's helpful though!
My therapist finally got through to me by naming my behavior/feelings as “relentless hope.” Hope is good, right? But relentless hope was actually shame and guilt and fear driving me to cling and keep blaming myself for everything.
I loved her. AND, I felt awful about my serious hurtful mistakes/flaws. AND, I had worked hard on myself for 12 (!) years. Some of those therapies/intensives/programs/groups transformed me. A couple of them made things MUCH worse. I was totally bought in to being humble, open, listening to others and not trusting my addicted self. Until I finally could see that her rage and distrust and abuse weren’t my fault anymore.
One of the great couples therapists (we had 9 (!) over 12 years, plus several in a 2 week intensive) said, “Franklin, what you did on a scale of 1 to 10 was a 10. And ___, the trauma you brought into the relationship was a 10. You guys have been treating all 20 as Franklin’s fault.” That did not go over well with her. It was SO liberating for me.
Several years later she screamed she was divorcing me because of 1, 2, 3 horrible “reasons.” 3 days later she didn’t remember what she’d yelled. I had written it down, knowing I was too overwhelmed to remember. She said, “I’m allowed to change my mind.” I agreed—but I (finally) was ready to make up my own mind, and not change it even when she was sweet and remorseful. I could finally see the hundreds of times we’d gone around that loop, and finally could hear what all my friends, family, therapists had been gently pointing out: this isn’t getting better.
I still have compassion for her. I wish we could be friends, but my therapist suggested that with that much hurt it’s rare for exes to be able to be friends. She’s repartnered and seems happy—I’m so glad. I found an incredible woman—we’re a great match. And all those years of work are paying off. I can sit with ALL my feelings now, including regret, remorse, shame, sadness, fear—as well as joy, hope, curiosity, excitement—thousands of other nuanced emotions. I have the vocabulary to name them, instead of “good” or “bad” or a long intellectual analysis or story.
My bae and I work together on acceptance: of both of our (frustrating) ADHD, of having shorter time together than we wish (but we wouldn’t have clicked if we’d met years before…) Of imperfection, mistakes…. And we have so much joy.
I wish you the same. As we all know from Heather: Heal relationships that can flourish. Let go when they can’t or won’t get better. Learn from the past, but look forward more. Own your shit, but don’t “should” on yourself. Forgive yourself and everyone constantly. Treasure everything that sparks joy. Feel everything. Be as fully alive as possible. The road is shorter than we realize.
wow. thank you for sharing. i'm sorry you went through that, but am glad that it contributed your growth and now to the growth of strangers on the internet :) wishing you all the best
Thank you -- I came here to share the same sentiment. When somebody else is lashing out and it's affecting you, what is the line between being compassionate and letting somebody else effectively emotionally abuse you? Even if you're totally emotionally resilient and it's not eroding at your core, there's a point at which you must say "enough is enough," and I think it's important to hold that in consideration when talking about these things.
Very good point. We still have to take care of ourselves. In Al anon they say something like, you didn’t cause the other’s issue and you can’t fix it. But we can try to see this person is hurt and have empathy then remove ourselves from the abuse.
Yep, there is a difference between having empathy and compassion, and making it your job to fix the problem. Sometimes, the most loving thing you can do for a person is to not allow them to keep doing harm to you.
That is so well put.
100% feel this
I wanted to restack every paragraph. This was so beautiful and true and sad. “Most people have never learned to sit and cry and tell the truth.” I feel for my dad especially, reading this. Thank you for sharing.
Good points, all. People also lash out when something triggers their shame and psychologists have described the connection between shame and anger, humiliation and rage.
This is deeply true, and beautifully expressed. This post is an eloquent way to describe the unconscious coping mechanisms many of us develop as children to protect our fragile inner selves from our dysfunctional families. In adult relationships, these coping mechanisms can be very destructive. If the person you love, who channels all feelings of sadness, vulnerability, and fear into rage, criticism, and contempt happens to be your spouse, you are not required to stay and accept being emotionally or physically abused.
Excellent article . Having been for quite a few decades, the wounded animal, I can relate. Life always sends good teacher at precisely the right moment, even if you're blind to them.. Met a woman( who became my mentor, was a psychotherapist which I did not know at the time) She was a great listener. She listened, I ranted..I had never been in the presence of someone just willing to sit and hear me. I was all of 30, now at 75, I still get a chuckle out of this one moment.
After listening to me pour forth my fire rage about all sorts of things, she said, "you know, you do anger very well." Here's the thing, I took it as a compliment! Someone I had trusted had actually validated that I was good at something. I walked away from her cottage in the woods quite proud of myself. To this day, it cracks me up.Gentle listening, co breathing, we all need to be heard, loved and respected.
I am here because, I opened my email while sipping my tea, early in the morning dark and found I needed this. I realized how many wild (human) animals shelter in my life that are here looking for grace. I can do that. I can do that for the little beast in my own heart as well. I know this because of the two dogs who lay at my feet while I write and create, giving me that grace all day long just for a scritch behind the ears, the toss of a ball and some goofy nonsense words I speak that sounds like "Good Boys."
Thank you for this Polly. What a fantastic way to start my day!
I learned a lot about how to be a human animal from my dog. He was a Jack Russell, so he was a complex character and sometimes an overthinker. But he was always in touch with his physicality, and that made room for me to learn those skills from him--stretching, exercising, napping, snuggling, enjoying small attentions, all unapologetically and unashamedly.
After way too many years on the couch I finally said, "The Earth is like this big school, and we're here to learn how to trust love. The weird thing is how hard that is to do."
Finally got my money's worth.
@Quentin, was it “too many” years? Or just the right amount?
That was slightly sardonic, as befits most self-discussions of therapy. You are good at asking open-ended shrink-type questions.
This is such an important lesson. I’m in my 30s and only now learning it about myself and others. It’s not easy to stop yourself from blowing up in anger, especially when that anger masks deeper feelings of sadness, despair, or heartbreak. It’s equally hard to stay calm when someone else loses their temper at you—whether it’s because you don’t agree with them, caught them in a lie, or pointed out that they hurt you.
Even if you approach them with humility, a person who isn’t used to expressing their true emotions might not respond in kindness. But that’s not the point. What matters is how you react in those moments. Sometimes, your calm and honest approach might give them space to reflect and, over time, change their habits.
This is a lesson many moms I admire are emphasizing when raising their kids—both boys and girls. They encourage them to express their true emotions and thoughts without panicking when they feel overwhelmed or scared. It’s such a valuable skill, and it’s never too late for anyone to learn.
Yes. My daughter is raising her daughter by listening to her anxieties and being there for her calmly. It warms my heart.
Beautiful insight, as always. How difficult it is to gently open the cage door and offer your understanding and love to a person in pain and only to have them lash out and pull the door shut.
Reading your comment got me thinking….When I see a video of some poor abandoned dog or cat, a person patiently trying to overcome the animal’s fear, mistrust, and pain… I always root for the person to not give up! Try again! The starved pupper (or one eyed cat) is worth it!! No matter how long it takes the rescuer I always consider it time well spent when we finally see the full life their work has wrought, when the formerly abandoned animal looks happy, clean, bouncy and having lost that look of shame at being unloved.
I think Heather is saying we are all the abandoned one-eyed cat ready to bite the hand that feeds us, and even so, we deserve to be rescued by love ❤️
Just wanted to say that I've read nearly everything you've written and love so much of it, but this piece is currently my favorite. It's so timely and true. Thank you.
Every time I get angry now, I try to step back and ask myself, "What is being triggered in me?" rather than, "Why is this person being such a jerk?" It's not a thought I can access immediately, but just being aware that this is the better path to take gets me there faster.
Needed this today - in the past week I’ve seen people react in ways that are difficult to understand and that I judged pretty dismissively and with a lot of disappointment and frustration - like they personally let ME down. But this viewpoint is much better I’m taking it!
“People do and say crazy shit when they’re panicking or overwhelmed.” True facts.
Society has such great expectations on people but I really believe for some self regulation comes with practice. If more people were allowed to just “be” when they were younger perhaps life would make more sense for everyone, not just those lucky enough to have their crap all together x
Hi Heather,
I want to thank you for opening up such a vital conversation and for your vulnerability in sharing your experiences and reflections. Your words resonate deeply, especially the idea of seeing the fearful animal behind the words and extending love and compassion to it—it’s such a powerful and transformative perspective.
I was particularly struck by this passage: “The cure isn’t more blame. The cure is witnessing without being invested in which behaviors are right and wrong.” It’s such an important reminder of the role of acceptance in both personal healing and how we approach others in their moments of pain.
At the same time, I find myself questioning the notion of a “cure” altogether. Might the search for a cure itself inadvertently impose a framework that limits how people process their despair and grief? Could it be more liberating to step away from the concept of curing and instead focus on creating space for people to navigate their pain on their own terms?
I also wonder how we, as observers or supporters, can fully understand what’s best for someone without having lived their emotions ourselves. Do you think the conversation could evolve even further if we acknowledge that our perspectives are always shaped by our own experiences and might not align with the realities of others?
Your ability to reflect on your journey and to write with such clarity and heart is a gift, and it’s clear that your words are making an impact. Thank you for being willing to wrestle with these complexities so openly and for inspiring others to do the same.
Warm regards,
Ingrid
Thanks for this post. When you write, "Find a way to love your way forward..." Forget the so-called Holy Grail, that's my quest. You've placed me at the entrance to the Labyrinth of my own rage knowing now, that's what I'm looking for. A way to love my way forward. And: " I don’t think people are freaking out because this moment is darker than any other moment in human history. I think things are very rough right now and people are uniquely unqualified to handle it..." A helpful distinction, and thanks for this too.
(By the way, I don’t think people are freaking out because this moment is darker than any other moment in human history. I think things are very rough right now and people are uniquely unqualified to handle it, thanks to a complex web of conditions that include the psychotic workings of high capitalism, alienation, isolation, global culture, the internet, climate change, how long a list do you want?)
Yeah, things are so intertwined that it's difficult to even talk about it. We can say, "It's the environment stupid." But that isn't something that individual action changes in a meaningful way. We all need to act in concert to make a dent.
It's so compelling to look for the next mind-focusing metaphor to frame our present problem state. I agree. I don't think there is one. The hubris of history is that we can look back and identify the big picture problem and solution for each age. We don't move from stage to stage in a big picture way. We move at the margins. We move slowly.
We do seem to be pretty stuck this time though.
I was thinking about that line too. I have thoughts about it but I'm still processing them.
My current theory "mind focusing metaphor" is that the problem is all information/stimulation/stuff overload and we're crying like overwhelmed toddlers at an amusement park.
But then the ghosts of my Mennonite great-grandparents rise up in my mind and tell me it's because people need faith in God to find peace, and the excesses of capitalism, whether personal or ecological, is the symptom instead of the cause.
But yeah, I'm still thinking about it. I'm trying to be part of what's moving at at the margins, as you describe. Thank you for this comment.
As a person raised on a desert island, which was then invaded by a pirate, yes, this is the lesson I want to learn too. How to love everybody.