I will start this new story process by shifting to neutral acceptance stories that focus on where I truly have power because, for me, quickly shifting to a new story that takes a 180 degree turn feels phony.
I don't exist properly. -> I am that I am.
I am only meant to understand, not be understood -> I am worthy of the same patience, consciousness, and curiosity that I give to other people.
I feel most whole when I am alone. -> I can have alone time and have a non-transactional relationship where I do not question my value and worth solely in relation to the other person.
I am the best thing that has happened and will ever happen to me. -> Kindness is real and often quiet so it needs my patience and humility to notice and accept it. I can focus on the people who treat others with gentleness and reassurance without bullshitting.
I'll confess that your point about moralism rankled, since so many of these stories were originally formed when I was a tiny, tiny kid being subjected to horrible abuse. "No one is coming to save you", for instance, was a story that got formed when I literally watched my oldest brother's feet departing down the hallway while I was held under the bed by the younger of my older brothers so he wouldn't be discovered abusing me. The "story" made some literal sense from my four year old perspective.
That said, I think I get your point, which isn't about the original creation point of the story, but about the process through which we repeat and ingrain those stories over time, collecting evidence beyond the confines of their creation to underline and cement them. And that is when some sense of a moral (or immoral) universe can come into play. I'll have to think on that one a little more deeply. To that end, I'll play along with the reframing exercise, since I've had to do a lot of that over the years.
1. No one is coming to save you. > All the things you needed saving from have already happened, long, long ago. And look! Here you are, having saved yourself and also been saved by the love of so many people over the years. You don't need saving anymore, honey. You just need to continue to be here for everything that will happen, trusting in yourself and the web of relationships that hold you.
2. Never make mistakes. If you can't help it, hide them. > Everyone makes mistakes, love. That's how we learn. And that's how we are afforded the opportunity to develop the skills of grace and mercy, which are two of the most beautiful capacities we have as humans in relationship to each other. You *will* make mistakes, continually. That's how you know you're alive. And what a great gift that is, to still be alive in this imperfect, poignant, gorgeous life you have. Everyone around you will also continually make mistakes, too, just to be clear. The extent to which you can model mercy for yourself is powerful medicine in their healing. The extent to which you can offer grace to them is powerful medicine in yours.
3. Love and pain are inevitably intertwined. > Yes, they are. But there's also a difference between the pain of being witnessed and vulnerable, taking risks, experiencing grief, and fucking up (see #2) and the pain of abuse, diminishment, and disrespect. Like the Buddhists say, there is pain and then there is unnecessary suffering. You can't get out of the potential for pain if you want the exquisite joy of love in your life, but you can walk away from unnecessary suffering. You can and you have! (See #1, Self-Rescuing Princess) You also have developed the capacity to hold the unavoidable pain that comes with love. Your heart is so big now, love. You're going to be fine.
I think I’ve had trouble squaring the stories that were true when I was young and small with the stories I can tell now.
I bear both stories, and I always will.
I think the task before me it to tell all of those stories, not that that will be easy. It is difficult enough to tell a story, but a story containing fears, doubts, revelations successes, confusions, and whatnot is both everyone’s story and my own as well.
I wasn't one of the ones who had written their story, yesterday or the last article.
If I did I would have till la something like. I have lived a blessed life, with opportunities rarely offered come by me multiple times and me staring right at the window of opportunity right until it closes, so that I can go back to wallowing in self pity. ->
I am one Damn lucky dog! People are willing to forgive my mistakes and I will likewise forgive those who wrong me without ill will. I can forgive myself. 🤗
1. "I'm too much for people. Too curious, too intense, too too much" - this one has a related story which is when I'm talking about something I'm interested in people think I'm trying to be the smartest or prove I know more. When really I just want someone to engage and be interested with me.
INSTEAD - There are people who will love my curiosity and intensity and there are people who won' t but I'm going to stay curious and intense. I'm going to continue to offer up fun facts and to engage in dialogue and if people find it snobby or snooty I will sincerely ask them to join me in the discussion and respect their decision if they decline. The world is a wondrous place and its their loss if they don't want to talk/think about it.
2. "I didn't want to do it anyways" - anytime I was to scared to do something (often) or not included(not really that often)- I realized at a certain point that I exclude myself.
INSTEAD I'm allowed to want things and to try things and to fail at them. To attempt and practice and get better. I don't have to be the best but I'm done NOT doing out of fear.
3. "If I don't do it myself. It'll never get done" which means I have to do EVERYTHING.
INSTEAD I can revel in my capableness and ask for help. I can have both things.
A story I am examining is that I must hide every part of me that could be perceived as foolish and do everything I can to extinguish it. I’m not sure how to re-write that, but I just realized that most of my favorite people are all comfortable appearing foolish.
One thing I know for sure is that the re-write cannot be focused on “growth mindset.” I think it’s a valuable mindset but for my particular story it reinforces that being foolish is shameful and that I must strive for the opposite.
I DO have a healthy relationship with physical fitness. I love working out and I feel good when I feel strong, but it’s not a feeling that is woven into my worth as a person. When I’m out of shape or injured, it’s a bummer, but I’m not entering fight or flight over it. I don’t feel worthless if I can’t do a push up because I recognize that physical ability is fluid, depends on the season of life, what you are able to put into it, your genes, the exercises you’re focusing on, etc. I would never expect myself to be able to run a half marathon when I’ve been focused on strength training. Similarly, I recognize that certain activities are not in the cards for me due to an injury that I was genetically predisposed to. Loads of people are better than me, but I don’t feel shame over those things.
Cognitively, I can see that expecting my mind to function outside of similar real and normal limitations is ridiculous and not something to feel ashamed of. But I guess it’s trauma because you can’t just convince yourself to feel it another way.
Thank you for asking. I've been noodling on what I shared yesterday (especailly "I don't deserve to live") and I dunno, maybe my subconscious is starting to chip away at it? Or maybe it's just the act of sharing it that makes me carry it differently. I dunno. I'll bring it to therapy. But I wanted to say thank you for asking
Rewriting "nobody will want me close to them/i'm pretending to be a human and it's super obvious" with the story that i am, actually, a human. i'm doing it. but also going back to root causes, even if there was one time in primary school my mum was right and people did get sick of me and i didn't notice it, that's actually ok? not being hypervigilant to other people's mild annoyance is not terrible and allows them space too. Maybe my story is that i can explore cheerful cluelessness about attempts at rejection, like the annoying/comic relief best friend in a movie who keeps on tailing after the protagonist!
Rewriting "having to be the smart one" with: i can be smartest one in the room and also i can not be. I can let that go and still have value just as a person. but also wanting to be special is not wrong or self-important or "pushing". i can embrace my own specialness and leave space for others' without continually comparing and checking whether what they are doing makes me wrong or worthless.
the old/current narratives roll right off the tongue - they are so familiar + feel as supportive & stable as the concrete beneath my feet.
but the effort to re-frame makes me physically cringe. i mean i cannot imagine what else i could/would say to myself, & the idea of contradicting them makes me feel almost nervous. i wish i could give them to someone else to do - they are so opaque that i can't see (& certainly not trust) any alternatives. they may not be not real or true, but apparently i'm still clinging to my stories w. a white-knuckle grip.
I have actually been repeating a mantra to myself lately as I share more of myself creatively - "I am safe to express my emotions, nothing bad is going to happen, my sadness won't get me hurt, I have a lot to share with others, my people are in my corner" -- then "may I feel safe, may I feel loved, may I breathe in clear air and rest my heart, may others feel safe, may others feel loved, may others experience rest and peace (the father part pulled somewhat loosely from a Buddhist compassion/heart mantra)" etc.
I am not super woo but I have always loved the woodsy rich and sweet smell of palo santo wood smudge sticks (if you are reading and interested in this, go to order from mountain rose herbs for sustainably sourced - extremely important for local people/communities and the trees). Shipping will take a few extra days but this will protect people&plants.
I burn the stick a little, blow it out, then roll the stick smoke up and out from my stomach up past my head in a circular motion while I repeat these things, and the smell relaxes me and makes it feel like the old stories are being symbolically sorted and cleaned out ❤️
This is clearly the harder exercise as so few people have responded in comparison.
I didn't post in the previous one because by sheer coincidence I'd recently walked into an unfamiliar social group where I instinctively felt all the old stories arise and it was unsettling to sit quietly and listen to the ensuing conversation prove I was right to keep my mouth shut.
These were people that would have found me too much, in other words! Of course I am going to politely disappear from said group which will be easy due to their indifference.
This currently has me reflecting on how these old stories really do serve a practical purpose in the right context, but it requires experience of other contexts to recognise that.
I can easily reframe "I am too much and no-one's interested" as "I can easily spot when I'm in a social snake pit" but I couldn't do that without also knowing how relaxing it is to be around people who love it when I run my mouth.
How useful is it for someone to only imagine an environment that runs counter to their stories? I'm not sure.
I cannot have ambitions as a writer or artist and also expect to get enough sleep. -> I need to both sleep and make art to take care of myself. And I can take my time.
1. I am responsible for managing the feelings of the people around me --> I am empathetic and deeply feeling and only responsible for treating others with kindness and respect.
2. I should not express my wants and difficult feelings because they hurt the people around me --> My loved ones want the best for me and want to know how I'm doing.
3. It is safer to keep people at a distance because of 1 and 2 --> It is better to give people the benefit of the doubt. People are surprising! I don't know what will happen, and if there is conflict, I have the tools to get through and maintain my relationships.
I will start this new story process by shifting to neutral acceptance stories that focus on where I truly have power because, for me, quickly shifting to a new story that takes a 180 degree turn feels phony.
I don't exist properly. -> I am that I am.
I am only meant to understand, not be understood -> I am worthy of the same patience, consciousness, and curiosity that I give to other people.
I feel most whole when I am alone. -> I can have alone time and have a non-transactional relationship where I do not question my value and worth solely in relation to the other person.
I am the best thing that has happened and will ever happen to me. -> Kindness is real and often quiet so it needs my patience and humility to notice and accept it. I can focus on the people who treat others with gentleness and reassurance without bullshitting.
I'll confess that your point about moralism rankled, since so many of these stories were originally formed when I was a tiny, tiny kid being subjected to horrible abuse. "No one is coming to save you", for instance, was a story that got formed when I literally watched my oldest brother's feet departing down the hallway while I was held under the bed by the younger of my older brothers so he wouldn't be discovered abusing me. The "story" made some literal sense from my four year old perspective.
That said, I think I get your point, which isn't about the original creation point of the story, but about the process through which we repeat and ingrain those stories over time, collecting evidence beyond the confines of their creation to underline and cement them. And that is when some sense of a moral (or immoral) universe can come into play. I'll have to think on that one a little more deeply. To that end, I'll play along with the reframing exercise, since I've had to do a lot of that over the years.
1. No one is coming to save you. > All the things you needed saving from have already happened, long, long ago. And look! Here you are, having saved yourself and also been saved by the love of so many people over the years. You don't need saving anymore, honey. You just need to continue to be here for everything that will happen, trusting in yourself and the web of relationships that hold you.
2. Never make mistakes. If you can't help it, hide them. > Everyone makes mistakes, love. That's how we learn. And that's how we are afforded the opportunity to develop the skills of grace and mercy, which are two of the most beautiful capacities we have as humans in relationship to each other. You *will* make mistakes, continually. That's how you know you're alive. And what a great gift that is, to still be alive in this imperfect, poignant, gorgeous life you have. Everyone around you will also continually make mistakes, too, just to be clear. The extent to which you can model mercy for yourself is powerful medicine in their healing. The extent to which you can offer grace to them is powerful medicine in yours.
3. Love and pain are inevitably intertwined. > Yes, they are. But there's also a difference between the pain of being witnessed and vulnerable, taking risks, experiencing grief, and fucking up (see #2) and the pain of abuse, diminishment, and disrespect. Like the Buddhists say, there is pain and then there is unnecessary suffering. You can't get out of the potential for pain if you want the exquisite joy of love in your life, but you can walk away from unnecessary suffering. You can and you have! (See #1, Self-Rescuing Princess) You also have developed the capacity to hold the unavoidable pain that comes with love. Your heart is so big now, love. You're going to be fine.
I think I’ve had trouble squaring the stories that were true when I was young and small with the stories I can tell now.
I bear both stories, and I always will.
I think the task before me it to tell all of those stories, not that that will be easy. It is difficult enough to tell a story, but a story containing fears, doubts, revelations successes, confusions, and whatnot is both everyone’s story and my own as well.
I wasn't one of the ones who had written their story, yesterday or the last article.
If I did I would have till la something like. I have lived a blessed life, with opportunities rarely offered come by me multiple times and me staring right at the window of opportunity right until it closes, so that I can go back to wallowing in self pity. ->
I am one Damn lucky dog! People are willing to forgive my mistakes and I will likewise forgive those who wrong me without ill will. I can forgive myself. 🤗
"Show up for this frightening world with everything you have." Heather!!! You've said it all with this. X
I love everything about this. Thank you for sharing your incredible insights and perspective
This is an extraordinary gift! Thank you from the bottom, middle and top of my heart.
1. "I'm too much for people. Too curious, too intense, too too much" - this one has a related story which is when I'm talking about something I'm interested in people think I'm trying to be the smartest or prove I know more. When really I just want someone to engage and be interested with me.
INSTEAD - There are people who will love my curiosity and intensity and there are people who won' t but I'm going to stay curious and intense. I'm going to continue to offer up fun facts and to engage in dialogue and if people find it snobby or snooty I will sincerely ask them to join me in the discussion and respect their decision if they decline. The world is a wondrous place and its their loss if they don't want to talk/think about it.
2. "I didn't want to do it anyways" - anytime I was to scared to do something (often) or not included(not really that often)- I realized at a certain point that I exclude myself.
INSTEAD I'm allowed to want things and to try things and to fail at them. To attempt and practice and get better. I don't have to be the best but I'm done NOT doing out of fear.
3. "If I don't do it myself. It'll never get done" which means I have to do EVERYTHING.
INSTEAD I can revel in my capableness and ask for help. I can have both things.
A story I am examining is that I must hide every part of me that could be perceived as foolish and do everything I can to extinguish it. I’m not sure how to re-write that, but I just realized that most of my favorite people are all comfortable appearing foolish.
One thing I know for sure is that the re-write cannot be focused on “growth mindset.” I think it’s a valuable mindset but for my particular story it reinforces that being foolish is shameful and that I must strive for the opposite.
I DO have a healthy relationship with physical fitness. I love working out and I feel good when I feel strong, but it’s not a feeling that is woven into my worth as a person. When I’m out of shape or injured, it’s a bummer, but I’m not entering fight or flight over it. I don’t feel worthless if I can’t do a push up because I recognize that physical ability is fluid, depends on the season of life, what you are able to put into it, your genes, the exercises you’re focusing on, etc. I would never expect myself to be able to run a half marathon when I’ve been focused on strength training. Similarly, I recognize that certain activities are not in the cards for me due to an injury that I was genetically predisposed to. Loads of people are better than me, but I don’t feel shame over those things.
Cognitively, I can see that expecting my mind to function outside of similar real and normal limitations is ridiculous and not something to feel ashamed of. But I guess it’s trauma because you can’t just convince yourself to feel it another way.
Thank you for asking. I've been noodling on what I shared yesterday (especailly "I don't deserve to live") and I dunno, maybe my subconscious is starting to chip away at it? Or maybe it's just the act of sharing it that makes me carry it differently. I dunno. I'll bring it to therapy. But I wanted to say thank you for asking
Rewriting "nobody will want me close to them/i'm pretending to be a human and it's super obvious" with the story that i am, actually, a human. i'm doing it. but also going back to root causes, even if there was one time in primary school my mum was right and people did get sick of me and i didn't notice it, that's actually ok? not being hypervigilant to other people's mild annoyance is not terrible and allows them space too. Maybe my story is that i can explore cheerful cluelessness about attempts at rejection, like the annoying/comic relief best friend in a movie who keeps on tailing after the protagonist!
Rewriting "having to be the smart one" with: i can be smartest one in the room and also i can not be. I can let that go and still have value just as a person. but also wanting to be special is not wrong or self-important or "pushing". i can embrace my own specialness and leave space for others' without continually comparing and checking whether what they are doing makes me wrong or worthless.
the old/current narratives roll right off the tongue - they are so familiar + feel as supportive & stable as the concrete beneath my feet.
but the effort to re-frame makes me physically cringe. i mean i cannot imagine what else i could/would say to myself, & the idea of contradicting them makes me feel almost nervous. i wish i could give them to someone else to do - they are so opaque that i can't see (& certainly not trust) any alternatives. they may not be not real or true, but apparently i'm still clinging to my stories w. a white-knuckle grip.
Oh I love this.
I have actually been repeating a mantra to myself lately as I share more of myself creatively - "I am safe to express my emotions, nothing bad is going to happen, my sadness won't get me hurt, I have a lot to share with others, my people are in my corner" -- then "may I feel safe, may I feel loved, may I breathe in clear air and rest my heart, may others feel safe, may others feel loved, may others experience rest and peace (the father part pulled somewhat loosely from a Buddhist compassion/heart mantra)" etc.
I am not super woo but I have always loved the woodsy rich and sweet smell of palo santo wood smudge sticks (if you are reading and interested in this, go to order from mountain rose herbs for sustainably sourced - extremely important for local people/communities and the trees). Shipping will take a few extra days but this will protect people&plants.
I burn the stick a little, blow it out, then roll the stick smoke up and out from my stomach up past my head in a circular motion while I repeat these things, and the smell relaxes me and makes it feel like the old stories are being symbolically sorted and cleaned out ❤️
This is clearly the harder exercise as so few people have responded in comparison.
I didn't post in the previous one because by sheer coincidence I'd recently walked into an unfamiliar social group where I instinctively felt all the old stories arise and it was unsettling to sit quietly and listen to the ensuing conversation prove I was right to keep my mouth shut.
These were people that would have found me too much, in other words! Of course I am going to politely disappear from said group which will be easy due to their indifference.
This currently has me reflecting on how these old stories really do serve a practical purpose in the right context, but it requires experience of other contexts to recognise that.
I can easily reframe "I am too much and no-one's interested" as "I can easily spot when I'm in a social snake pit" but I couldn't do that without also knowing how relaxing it is to be around people who love it when I run my mouth.
How useful is it for someone to only imagine an environment that runs counter to their stories? I'm not sure.
I cannot have ambitions as a writer or artist and also expect to get enough sleep. -> I need to both sleep and make art to take care of myself. And I can take my time.
1. I am responsible for managing the feelings of the people around me --> I am empathetic and deeply feeling and only responsible for treating others with kindness and respect.
2. I should not express my wants and difficult feelings because they hurt the people around me --> My loved ones want the best for me and want to know how I'm doing.
3. It is safer to keep people at a distance because of 1 and 2 --> It is better to give people the benefit of the doubt. People are surprising! I don't know what will happen, and if there is conflict, I have the tools to get through and maintain my relationships.